37 questions to prove that systemic misandry doesn’t exist anywhere in the world

29th August 2021

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

Social media connects billions of people around the world based on their ideas, commonalities and shared interests. This has meant that people have been able to discuss and debate topics that have previously been ignored or dismissed.

One of the topics that seems to be being discussed more recently, is misandry. Whilst misandry is loosely defined as the hatred and oppression of males, it has been compared to the power of misogyny (the hatred and oppression of females).

I am writing this blog as a go-to list of questions for those people who claim that the world is misandrist, and that women are in power, or that women have more rights than men.

Further, I write this to challenge men who believe that systemic misandry exists on the same scale, or worse than misogyny.

The reason for these questions is two fold:

1. You probably cannot give real, evidence based examples for all, or most, or any of these because misandry doesn’t, and never has existed in a patriarchy where men rule the world

2. If you did find one example, all you have done is found an exception which proves the rule. If all you can find is one example in the history of the entire world, whilst thousands or millions of girls and women are subjected to that example on a daily basis, again, you’ve proven that misandry does not and cannot exist on a systemic level.

Here are the misandry questions, all based on current global legislation, statistics and research from UN, WHO and world governments:

1. Can you name 1 instance of an all-female terrorist regime that has committed acts of mass rape and murder towards boys and men who they deem inferior?

2. Can you name 1 instance where a group of female terrorists abducted hundreds of little boys from their school, to traffic them for sex?

3. Can you name 1 female led country in the world where it is illegal for men to drive a car or have a driving licence because they are perceived as too stupid?

5. Can you name 1 female led country in the world where men are not allowed to leave their houses without a female chaperone?

6. Can you name 1 country in the world where females in power have legally dictated that men should cover their entire bodies at all times, not show their hair or faces, and punish men and boys who do show their skin?

7. Can you name 1 female led country or community in the world that has legally banned boys from getting an education or attending school?

8. Can you name 1 company which is currently abducting and exploiting men and boys to impregnate, carry and birth babies for rich white people whilst being locked in facilities for 9 months?

9. Can you name 1 female led country where the child marriage of boys as young as 6 years old to adult women is widely encouraged or legally allowed?

10. Can you name 1 country where men are not allowed to take part in sports at all?

11. Can you name 1 country where 1 in 3 men will be raped or sexually assaulted by women?

12. Can you name 1 country where the entire government is female?

13. Can you name 1 country where all CEOs of top performing companies are female?

14. Can you name 1 country where men who become fathers are expected not to work or study?

15. Can you name 1 country where men are made to live in small huts once per month due to their hormonal cycle as they are perceived to be unclean and unworthy of being in bed with a woman?

16. Can you name 1 country where teenage and unmarried fathers were sent away to asylums and institutions to live there and look after their babies on their own?

17. Can you name 1 country where the majority of all murders of men are committed by women?

18. Can you name 1 female-led major world religion which suggests or describes men as inferior to women?

19. Can you name 1 country where males must get permission and supervision of females to travel, marry or seek healthcare?

20. Can you name 1 country where large groups of women publicly stone men to death for showing their skin?

21. Can you name 1 country where large groups of women kill men for having sex before marriage?

22. Can you name 1 country where large groups of women publicly flog and beat men as a form of punishment for being seen out alone without a female chaperone?

23. Can you name 1 country where men have been forbidden from using any form of contraception?

24. Can you name 1 country where a man has never been in power or leadership in government?

25. Can you name 1 country where men are not allowed to apply for a passport without the express permission of a woman?

26. Can you name 1 country in the world where women kill more than 3 men per week?

27. Can you name 1 country in the world that states that male prisoners can only leave prison if they transferred into the guardianship of a woman who will then control them?

28. Can you name 1 country in the world where a man is not recognised as ‘a whole person before the court’ and therefore cannot give evidence in a trial unless it is backed up by a woman who is deemed as a ‘whole person’?

29. Can you name 1 country in the world where men do not have the right to vote, but women do?

30. Can you name 1 country in the world where a woman has a legal right to stop her husband from working in occupations she doesn’t like or want him to do?

31. Can you name 1 country where female-led governments have stated that men are not legally allowed to drive trains, tractors or pilot ships?

32. Can you name 1 country where men were not allowed to watch sporting events?

33. Can you name 1 country where men are not allowed to serve in the military?

34. Can you name 1 country in the world where universities restrict their male university population to 10-15% to ensure more women than men get into higher education because they are deemed more important than men?

35. Can you name 1 country where a man can be given up to 100 lashes for wearing trousers?

36. Can you name 1 country or community where it is illegal for men to own or use a mobile phone?

37. Can you name 1 country where men and boys were routinely sectioned and had their reproductive organs removed because female doctors believed it was causing them to become insane?

The reality is, that no matter how much some men want to pretend they are oppressed, and discriminated against by ‘misandry’, there is no global evidence of female-led systems which oppress, murder, rape and abuse men and boys. It isn’t happening anywhere in the world.

Is it possible for women to hate men? Yes.

Is it possible that there are entire global power systems that seek to oppress and control men and boys, whilst removing their human rights to healthcare, justice and education, on the same level as misogyny? Nope.

The pitiful cries of misandry are nothing more than whataboutery and distractions from mainly privileged white men, desperate to position themselves as the real victims of a systemic oppression that simply doesn’t exist in a patriarchy.

It’s time we ditched this fantasy oppression of men and concentrated on achieving equity for the sexes by making global systemic and structural changes so that none of the questions in this article are ever relevant to women and girls (or men and boys).

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

Woman blaming: How radical feminists are blamed for male violence

Dr Jessica Taylor

20/07/21

I open my social media apps to yet another onslaught of abuse, harassment and threads about how violent, evil and dangerous I am as a radical feminist in the world.

Only the day before, I watched as a famous woman was sent hundreds of abusive comments and death threats for holding radical feminist views.

The day before that, an artist was sent threats and abuse for her radical feminist perspective.

The week before that. The month before that. The year before that.

And yet, despite all this violence levelled at radical feminists for so much as writing their thoughts down, or creating artwork; I have noticed the persuasive shift towards arguing that radical feminists are the cause of male violence.

Most recently, I have noticed radical feminists being blamed for men committing homicide, femicide, rape and acts of misogyny.

In this post, I want to explore why this is happening, and how the only feminists who are able to name male violence, are now being held responsible for male violence. Specifically, I want to talk about radical feminists being blamed for:

1. Men murdering trans women

2. Men raping and murdering sex workers and prostituted women

3. Men sending death and rape threats to women online

4. Men hating women and girls (especially MRA/incels)

Before I get into these points, I will take the opportunity to clarify what we mean when we say we are ‘radical feminists’. Whilst many people think that the word ‘radical’ must mean ‘extreme’, this is not the way the word is used in activism of any kind. Radical thinkers and activists are termed ‘radical’ because they seek considerable systemic change to deal with the root of an issue. Radical feminists (like me) believe that we need a complete overhaul and reordering of the systems around us (locally and globally) in order for women and girls to stop being oppressed. This means addressing everything from subtle attitudes and stereotypes through to overt violence and persecution.

In doing so, radical feminists often point out the obvious male violence around us:

Men make up 99% of all violent offenders in the world each year

Men make up 97% of all sex offenders in the world each year

Men make up 99% of all murderers each year

Men make up over 99% of all terrorists and suicide bombers

Men make up over 99% of all school shooters

(FBI, 2020; MOJ; 2020)

But men are still more likely to be world leaders, business owners, senior leaders, financial controllers, CEOs of banks, criminal judges, lawyers, police officers, crime commissioners, politicians and heads of families (this is where the word ‘patriarch’ comes from).

Globally, the world is an unequal place where women make up 51% of the population but in some cases of senior boards, government leadership and financial institutions – we make up less than 2% of these roles.

Men are over-represented in violent offending, abuse and power – at all levels of society.

Radical feminism seeks to restructure this inequality and to change society at every level possible, in order for women and girls to seek equity.

Now the basics are out of the way; let’s look at how women who adopt radical feminist principles are now being blamed for the violence and abuse committed by men.

1. Men murdering trans women

Almost every day now, I see a social media post or meme claiming that radical feminist theory, arguments or activism cause the murder of transwomen around the world, despite the fact that transwomen are almost always killed by men.

In the UK, we have had one murder of a transwoman, Naomi Hersei, who was murdered by a 25 year old man. They had met on a sex swingers website. He had brutally murdered Naomi by stabbing in a hotel room in 2018.

However, in other countries (especially in South America), the murder of transwomen is commonplace, and increasing. According to TransRespect, the majority of the murders occurred in Brazil (152), Mexico (57), and the United States (28), adding up to a total of 3664 reported cases in 75 countries and territories worldwide between 1 January 2008 and 30 September 2020. 98% of those murdered globally were transwomen. 82% of all the murders registered happened in Central and South America; 43% in Brazil.

Of all murders of transwomen, 62% were being exploited or were described as working in ‘sex work’ at the time they were murdered by a man (or groups of men).

In most reported cases, transwomen are killed by the men who rape them, sexually exploit them or buy them for sex, and then kill them. Further, other transwomen have been murdered by male members of their families, such as brothers, uncles and Dads – and men in their communities. This is usually as a result of transphobia and homophobia (and/or a combination of the two, with other intersecting factors such as racism).

What is clear, is that in every single one of these cases, men made active choices to murder a transwoman. There have been no cases of radical feminists harming or killing transwomen. In all cases, transwomen have been stalked, harassed, raped, beaten and/or murdered by men.

This is male violence. Just as men are most likely to kill men, and women, and children, they are also most likely to kill transwomen.

There are two main arguments I have seen around this topic which need to be challenged. The first is that radical feminist views on gender and sex are the reason violent men kill trans people. I think it’s fairly clear from each case that the men who committed these homicides have zero interest in feminist theoretical discussions of the origins of gender and sex. Instead their murders have been based in their own motivations, violence and power dynamics (as are all acts of male violence).

We also mustn’t ignore the fact that many of the transwomen who have been murdered have been in sex work or sexual exploitation, being oppressed by men – and that the men who buy their bodies for sex are already dangerous, violent people who choose to exploit and use vulnerable minorities for sex on tap.

None of this is about radical feminist thinking or theory. It is purely down to the man who commits the crime.

It puzzles me that most of the time, radical feminists such as myself are framed as fringe extremists with nothing useful or impactful to say, and that no one should listen to us harp on about the abuse of women and girls – but that people seem to think we are powerful enough to influence thousands of homicidal men to go out and kill transwomen.

We can’t be both shrivelled up, shrieking nobodies who have no influence over men and also causing worldwide murder by influencing men.

The second is that radical feminists views on why we need to be able to label males and females (especially in crime reporting) are bigoted and harmful.

Yet here, we have a vital reason why we need to be able to record the correct sex of the criminal – males are killing transwomen which is part of a millennia of male pattern offending and male violence. Men are the majority murderers of everyone else – so it makes sense that they would also be the murderers of transwomen.

It is vital that we are able to talk about male violence (and female violence, when it does occur, and it does) correctly and accurately for everyone. We cannot tackle male violence against transwomen if you cannot name the perpetrator as a man – or as a trend in male violence.

It strikes me as the ultimate form of victim blaming and woman blaming, to excuse and shift the blame of male murderers on to women and feminists. Women and girls are being killed in their thousands every single day by men. They are not the ones causing or influencing male violence towards themselves, or towards transwomen.

It appears to me that we have become the scapegoat.

Such a self-proclaimed progressive movement, and yet, they have made the age-old error of pointing the finger at women, instead of men who commit violence. Again.

2. Men raping and murdering sex workers and prostituted women

The second example I seem to see a lot, and have been subjected to myself, has been radical feminists accused of causing the rape and murder of female sex workers and prostituted women around the world.

I have often been sent abusive messages accusing me of contributing to, or causing these crimes against women in sex work, by my own views on sex work. Despite the fact that my views on sex work come from lived experience, my views are clear: women in sex work should never be criminalised, we should campaign to have all of their convictions removed, and we should help every woman exit sex work – whilst criminalising the buyers, exploiters, owners and punters.

I (and many other radical feminists) believe that no man should be able to purchase consent, and that women in sex work are predominantly exploited, raped, harmed, beaten, threatened, injured, oppressed, criminalised, pathologised and discriminated against – all so a man can get his kicks.

Nowhere in radical feminist views do we support any discrimination or harm of women in sex work or prostitution. In fact, renowned radical feminists have been instrumental in helping prostituted women to remove their criminal convictions which were unjustly subjected to.

Again, what we have here is the positioning of women and radical feminists as the cause and the solution to male violence. Despite the fact that the majority of all sex buyers and exploiters and traffickers are men, women are still blamed, held responsible and held accountable for male violence.

Similarly, I find it odd that anybody would argue that radical feminists (who are a relatively small group of women) would have any power over violent men who buy sex and consent from women and girls around the world. These men certainly don’t listen to radical feminists when we talk about the harm and the trauma caused by sex work and prostitution, so why on earth would they listen to any of our theoretical arguments about decriminalisation or criminalisation?

It seems a lazy and misogynistic excuse to simply blame women for the actions of men, yet again. I just can’t understand how everybody can see that men (and the patriarchy in general) are not remotely listening to radical feminists, and instead silence them, shut them down, threaten them, harass them, mock them, and humiliate them – but simultaneously attempt to argue that radical feminist theory and thinkers are the reason men go out and commit such devastating crimes against women in sex work and prostitution.

It’s as if they have never considered that men going out into the community and buying sex with women and girls, would suggest that those men are already violent criminals that are more likely to kill women and girls.

The other point that it completely ignores by blaming radical feminists for men murdering and raping sex workers and women who have been prostituted, is that a large proportion of radical feminists are survivors of the sex trade, sexual exploitation and prostitution. Therefore, the radical feminist position is often informed by thousands of women who have survived male violence and prostitution. They weren’t listen to or respected by men then, and they’re not listened to or respected by men now. I just cannot see how you could robustly argue that radical feminism is the cause of male violence.

Aren’t men making their own decisions here? Why can’t we hold them accountable for their views and actions the way people seem to be able to do to radical feminist women?

Men are killing sex workers and women and girls in global prostitution because they dehumanise them, and they hate them. They use them for sex, and then they kill them. Radical feminists on the other hand, are arguing against the sex trade because of these things. Because of the fact that violent men dehumanise women and girls, and hate them, rape them and kill them. These are not two sides of the same coin. These are not related positions. These are opposing positions.

3. Men sending death and rape threats to women online

As some of you will have seen this week, J. K. Rowling has been subjected to yet more death threats because of her opinions on sex and gender. Her position is broadly radical feminist, and this has resulted in thousands of messages of harassment, abuse, and threats of being bombed or killed.

There are two levels to the victim blaming and woman blaming that has happened in the last couple of days. The first is the indirect and direct blaming of J. K. Rowling for the death threats sent to her. It has been suggested several times that the death threats are justified, and that she deserves them. Secondly the victim blaming is focused on radical feminism, again.

One of the arguments I’ve seen is the belief or position that radical feminists holding contentious or contested beliefs about the concepts of gender, stereotypes, gender identity, and sex means that they are causing men to abuse them, harass them, and threaten them online. This often goes further and moves towards a suggestion of justification or desert. The belief seems to be that if women speak out or even privately discuss their views about sex and gender, they are bringing the violence of men upon themselves. Many radical feminist women (especially in the last 5 to 10 years) have been subjected to increasing security threats, rape threats, death threats, doxxing, stalking, and other forms of male violence in the name of activism and feminism.

What is most interesting is that women are paying the price for a view that is actually held by many men as well. I’ve noticed that when men speak out about their views about sex and gender they are criticised, but they are not subjected to death threats, rape threats, doxxing and harassment in the same way.

The suggestion that radical feminists are bringing male violence upon themselves by merely holding views about gender and sex, is very similar to the position held by men’s rights activists and incel groups which often argue that radical feminists deserve, and bring male violence upon themselves, by their so-called ‘misandry’.

4. Men hating women and girls (especially MRA/incels)

It’s no secret to most of us that MRAs and incels hate radical feminism and radical feminists. For them, we are the ultimate opposition. For most of us, we are gender nonconforming women, we are lesbians, we are activists, we are educated, we are independent – and for a lot of us we have no interest in living with, or cooperating with men, or the broader global patriarchy.

On the many occasions that I have been targeted by MRAs and incels, I have been advised that my views on feminism and women’s rights are ‘provoking the reaction’ and abuse that I receive. Police even told me to shut down my social media, or stop talking about women’s rights to solve the problem. I know that this isn’t uncommon – because other women have been told the same thing.

With broad similarities to the other points that I have already made, nobody seems to be holding MRAs or incels responsible for their violence online and in person. No one seems to be talking about the mass online groups which share memes, posts, and videos about violent porn, pro-rape culture, anti-feminist and anti-women’s rights propaganda, and articles which suggest that male violence and female oppression is a feminist conspiracy theory.

When questioned, people tend to argue that the MRA movement and the Incel movement are simply reactions or backlash to radical feminism which again position radical feminists as the cause and solution of male violence.

Blame the perpetrator – I mean, really, it’s not hard

I know this might seem a simple conclusion to a complex article, but the solution truly is to blame the man for male violence. Blame the perpetrators of the crime. If a radical feminist actually commits a murder, rape or sexual assault, then fine. It would be their fault. And they would be to blame. No issues there.

But in cases where men have trafficked, threatened, raped, assaulted, stalked, and murdered someone – blame the perpetrator. Hold him fully accountable. Make him take responsibility for his actions.

Where masses of men are committing these crimes, talk about male violence as a system problem – don’t pass the buck to feminists and tell that they are the ones causing men to kill, rape, threaten and abuse.

I’m watching this all very carefully at the moment, and truly believe that we are seeing the meeting of minds between several groups of activists who have decided to pin the blame for many different forms of oppression on radical feminists.

Whilst terrifying, maybe the most interesting thing about this, is that it was inevitable. What I mean by that, is that we are a relatively tiny group of ambitious, educated, intelligent, gender non-conforming, often gay and marginalised women who have decided to stand up for women around the world, network and stand up in the face of great challenge, threat and adversity.

They were never going to let this go easily.

Men have never allowed radical feminists to have an unfiltered voice. We have always been positioned as crazy, evil, nasty, dangerous and abusive. We’ve always been locked up, arrested, abused and threatened. We’ve always been blamed for women’s changing roles in society.

What I can’t understand is how other women who call themselves feminists could look at the murder of anyone, committed by a man, and then turn around and blame a radical feminist, instead of being able to see that male violence is common and systemic – and that radical feminism is the only form of feminism willing to consistently call it out.

The scapegoating of radical feminists for the acts of male violence has to end.

Dr Jessica Taylor

20/07/2021

I listed every instance of male violence I have been subjected to from birth to 30.

17th March 2021

My name is Jessica. I am 30 years old. That’s me in the picture. I decided to try to write down every memory I have of being subjected to male violence since I was born.

I am a chartered psychologist with a PhD in forensic psychology. I grew up in a working class town on a council estate in a pretty regular family.

In this blog, I am simply going to list every instance I can remember of harassment, assault, abuse, threats, violence, rape and harm from men and boys.

The purpose of this personal post is not for sympathy or for support.

The purpose of this post is to show that I am 100% sure that if every woman I knew sat down and thought about every instance of male violence they were ever subjected to, they would have a long list. Our lists would look different and also very similar. Whether it’s catcalling or sexual abuse, women and girls live every day trying to protect themselves from male violence in ways that men have never even had to consider.

Having written this list, I’ve realised that even as I’ve aged and moved into safeguarding and academia, male violence is still prevalent. You’ll notice that the perpetrators change from strangers on the street to men in my field of work.

It goes without saying that this is very uncomfortable to read. The sheer scale of it will be difficult for many of you. Please consider this a serious content and trigger warning for male violence.

Every experience of male violence I have ever had by 30 years old

9 years old: An older boy at my new school put his hand up my skirt

9 years old: Same older boy threw coins at me on the playground and told me to suck his dick whilst I sat on the floor crying

11 years old: Male family member threw me up against cupboard and broke my wrist because I ducked his drunk punch and he was furious

11 years old: Fireman who lived on our road exposed himself to me and my friend

11 years old: Fireman seriously sexually assaulted me behind garages a few weeks later

11 years old: Family friend tried to sexually assault me in living room whilst parents were in kitchen – shouted for parents

12 years old: 16yo boy pressured me to give him oral sex several times (usually I was given drugs)

12 years old: 16yo boy and 19yo man gave me drugs and made me take clothes off

12 years old: Same 16 yo boy raped me and then mocked me for crying in pain – told everyone I was pathetic/frigid

12 years old: Catcalled from moving car on way to the summer fayre

12 years old: Groomed and sexually abused daily by 25 year old man on our street for 6 months

12 years old: Boy threw me to the floor at a party

13 years old: Builder working on our house sexually harasses me every day for a week

13 years old: In family pub with parents when a man stabbed another man in the eye right in front of me. This caused a brawl where 10-15 men smashed the pub up whilst I was trapped on the floor. I collapsed from the shock/trauma. Family member dragged me unconscious to safety through broken glass and furniture causing injury to my legs and arms. Woke up with paramedics.

13 years old: Music teacher said he liked my legs in tights – reported but no action

13 years old: Waiter on family holiday sexually threatens me and harasses me for 2 weeks solid until we went home

13 years old: Given alcohol and drugs by older boys and men frequently

13 years old: Picked up by men in cars and given drugs and alcohol with other girls

13 years old: Beginning of 5 year ‘relationship’ with abuser and rapist (one of the older boys in the group)

13-15 years old: A lot of emotional abuse and control, isolation, drugs, alcohol, controlling friends, checking my phone etc

14 years old: Regularly sexually assaulted by club bouncers who let underage girls in, if you stood still whilst they sexually assault you at the door

14 years old: Boy at school put a cigarette out on my hand and held me there until it burned deeper ‘as a joke’

14-16 years old: Regularly catcalled and followed by men on the way to school and on the way home

14 years old: Attacked by local man in alleyway, strangled me and threatened me (the next year, he went on to be convicted of attempted murder of another local schoolgirl who he attacked her with meat cleaver at the summer fayre)

14 years old: Taken to middle of nowhere in pyjamas and no shoes and left there in the night by abuser. Walked home alone, barefoot.

14 years old: Sexual images of me were shared with a large group of adult men

15 years old: Pushed out of moving car

15 years old: Suckerpunched and knocked out by 28 year old man in front of other men at a car rally as ‘a joke’

15 years old: Thrown in front of a moving car in city centre by abuser. Driver performs emergency stop before running me over. Driver didn’t dare get out to help me.

16 years old: Beaten up regularly by abuser (he was 18-19 years old by now)

16 years old: Raped whilst abuser pressed large scissors to the side of my neck

16 years old: Abuser pins me to wall and strangled me until I gave him my debit card with my wages. Two of his friends watch and say nothing.

16 years old: Drugged by abuser and other 28 year old man and then raped whilst unconscious by both men

16 years old: In his car with abuser, when 28 year old man deliberately ran his ex girlfriend over and left her in street. Threatened to never tell anyone what I saw.

16 years old: Forced to clean oven with sharp knife held across my throat by abuser

16 years old: Pushed down stairs by abuser, miscarried pregnancy, first ever hospital attendance

16 years old: Abuser took all my clothes and shoes, put them all in bath of bleach so I couldn’t dress or leave house

16 years old: Abuser snapped mobile phone in half and destroyed all childhood items and photo albums

16 years old: Abuser threw glass vase at me and then dragged me through broken glass and cut my legs open with the glass

16-18 years old: Abuser regularly smashed entire house up and then made me clean it up in front of him

16 years old: Area manager at work tried to pay me to have sex with him at a conference, when I refused and told him he was disgusting, he sacked me

16 years old: Abuser steals my bank card and spends my whole month salary in strip club in one night

17 years old: Pregnant again by abuser within a few months

17 years old: Forced to perform sex acts whilst pregnant whilst being called fat, ugly, disgusting etc.

17 years old: Abuser drove car into oncoming traffic to try to kill me and unborn baby

17 years old: Frequent threats to kill me and unborn baby

17 years old: Raped a few days after baby is born, all episiotomy stitches ripped out causing severe bleeding and injury – treatment needed but didn’t disclose to nurses

17 years old: Items thrown at me

17 years old: Regularly raped post-partum

17 years old: When baby cries in night, abuser keeps jug of water next to bed and pours it over my face whilst I sleep to wake me up and make me see to baby and feed/change

17 years old: Regularly catcalled whilst pushing pram on walks with baby

17 years old: Spat at in street for being ‘disgusting teen mum’

18 years old: Punched in back of the head and head butted oven door due to impact

18 years old: Abuser threw water over me whilst I was using electrical appliance to try to electrocute me

18 years old: Tell abuser it is over

18 years old: Abuser attacks me a couple of weeks later, headbutts me, throws me over dining table whilst holding baby, disclocated my shoulder, throws large set of keys at my head, I ring 999 whilst lying on the floor (first police contact)

18 years old: Abuser charged with 13 sexual and violent offences, denies them all

18 years old: Whilst on bail, abuser sends 47 death threats detailing the ways he will kill me and what he will do with my body – police ignore

18 years old: Abuser kicks front door in to come in a attempt to kill me – police ignore

18 years old: Abuser sits most nights and throws stones at my bedroom window to intimidate me and stop me sleeping – police ignore and tell me to ‘stop tattle taling on him’

18 years old: Abuser texts me at night telling me what I am wearing or what I am watching on TV as he is hiding in garden or looking through windows. Calls to police almost every night. Police attend once, find him in garden. He tells them he is a police officer and they BELIEVE HIM. I tell them he is lying and he works in construction. They warn me not to report him again.

18 years old: Abuser convinces everyone that I am mentally ill

18 years old: Abuser turns up drunk to my place of work and abuses my managers and me – police ignore it

18 years old: Abuser and friend call my place of work and maliciously report that I have been selling credit card details to men in pubs. Luckily my manager recognised their voices from the incident earlier in the month. My computer was still investigated. Was found to be malicious.

18 years old: Abuser given access to baby. Abuser turns up at my place of work, abandons baby in car park, throws nappies and food all over work car park and leaves. Security at my workplace bring me my baby and my things whilst I am at work in call centre having watched him on CCTV – police ignore it

18 years old: Abuser reports to social services that I am incapable of caring for my baby and that I am addicted to heroin – social services investigate and then NFA as malicious

18 years old: Abuser goes to give bouquets of flowers to my parents and grandparents and tells them he’s innocent and I’m mentally ill

18 years old: Abuser stalks me everywhere, follows me in his car as I walk with pram – police ignore it

18 years old: Abuser threatens suicide regularly

18 years old: Abuser gets hold of me and whispers that he enjoyed every rape and every time he beat me up – laughs at me that he will never be convicted

18 years old: Abuser sends me song lyrics and songs about abusing or killing me and how much he misses hurting me every day

18 years old: Abuser claims he’s been falsely accused and is being alienated from his child deliberately – pretty much everyone believes him and many people try to convince me to drop charges and to give him access to baby

18 years old: Taxi driver helped me in with baby and grocery shopping and then locked my door behind him and tried to rape me in the kitchen – screamed and fought until he left. Reported to taxi company, local authority licensing and police but NFA.

18 years old: Man in stag do in bar ripped my shirt open as I walked past and then punched me in the jaw for saying I wasn’t interested in him

18 years old: Guy I knew from school deliberately put his cigarette out on my leg whilst I was talking to him and held me there whilst it burned

18 years old: Went to bank to ask for overdraft but bank manager said no. I cried and explained I had been abused and was struggling etc. He was kind. Text me 20 mins later saying he would give me rent money and overdraft in cash if I would sleep with him.

18 years old: Left area due to death threats and safety concerns

19 years old: Abuser pays man at Royal Mail to give him my mail redirection address – Royal Mail investigate and give him a written warning

19 years old: Abuser sends group of men to my new address to attack me

19 years old: Abuser abducts baby and disappears – call police but they say it’s not a crime

19 years old: Abuser stalks my social media and creates fake accounts to send abuse and threats – Police say it’s not a crime

19 years old: Abuser calls and texts frequently during police investigation with abuse and threats, police ignore every single report and tell me to call Samaritans

19 years old: Catcalled walking up a hill with pram by two men in van

19 years old: Catcalled walking past petrol station by 4 men in convertible

19 years old: Threatened in a bar for telling man I wasn’t interested in him

22 years old: A man verbally abused me for telling him I wasn’t interested in him and called me a ‘fat ugly slag’ moments after saying he wanted to fuck me

22 years old: Two men drinking on the steps of the town hall shouted sexually abusive comments at me as I got into my car after a meeting

23 years old: I am assaulted for reporting a safeguarding concern. I have stitches in my face and gums. Police officer on duty attends my address, threatens to ‘smash my face in’ if I continued with a complaint against his family member for ABH – says he knows everything about me etc. Another office is present with him and blocks my exit from room whilst other officer threatens me to drop charges

23 years old: Report officer to police force who tell me it never happened even though I had names and badge numbers

24 years old: Male ex partner throws mug full of hot tea at me

24 years old: Sent dick pic by male professional on LinkedIn

24 years old: Male ex partner throws me to floor in argument and then leaves the house

25 years old: Man in a bar bit me on the shoulder for saying I wasn’t interested in him

25 years old: Man drove up to me and screamed abuse at me whilst I sat in my parked car waiting to pick my kids up from school. Then he drove off.

25 years old: Man on internet sends me pics of myself that he has wanked over and cut my head off in each pic

25-26 years old: Stalked and harassed for almost 2 years by male professional in safeguarding whom I’ve never met or spoken to who disagrees with my work

26 years old: Sexually assaulted and pinned to wall by male stranger in a bar who wouldn’t take no for an answer

26 years old: Male academic sent me abuse because he doesn’t agree with my views and then tagged loads of pro- paedophile accounts to give me more abuse which lasted weeks

27 years old: Tommy Robinson tagged me in a post which went viral and encouraged his followers to abuse me. Received upwards of 5000 threats including death and rape threats. All of my accounts were trolled for about 3 weeks.

27 years old: Male professional in safeguarding threatened to kill me for reporting him to police for harassment after he stole my work and sold the documents on. Shared a public image of me from a holiday and claimed I had privately sent it to him.

27 years old: Sent sexual messages by a Priest on LinkedIn

27 years old: Hotel staff member helps me to my room with laptop and bags. Sits on bed and refuses to leave. Tried to come on to me. Wouldn’t leave my bed. Shouted for help.

28 years old: Male ex partner opened back doors to my vehicle and started throwing my belongings on the driveway, punched my vehicle and then opened the door to my moving vehicle as I drove into the road and tried to pull me out of the driver seat

29 years old: Trolled by MRA and alt-right movement when my book was published. Received over 10,000 abusive messages, rape and death threats over 5 day period. Reported to police, initial response was that it was my own fault for being a public figure.

29 years old: MRA activists hack my computer – police take it for investigation

29 years old: Man sends explicit threat about injuries he wanted to cause to me with weapons

29 years old: Man in Canada writes violent, abusive and homophobic articles about me for alt-right magazine

30 years old: A man stole my holiday photos and sold them online, pretending to be me posing as a sex worker for men. One of the men who bought images of me decided to tell me what had happened.

25-present: Due to being in public eye, I receive on average 3 threatening or abusive emails or messages from men per week

Okay. So that’s everything I can think of for now.

That’s 108 incidents I can remember after 2 hours of thinking and writing.

In terms of how many actual crimes have been committed in acts of male violence towards me since I was born, it’s probably thousands.

I’m not alone here. I’m not an outlier. I don’t believe there are any women who have never been abused, groped, catcalled, harassed, raped, assaulted, threatened or harmed by men and boys. Male violence is just too common for that to be possible. Even women who have been lucky enough to have never been raped or abused will definitely have been sexually harassed, sent inappropriate messages or catcalled as a girl. For example, a recent study in the UK found that 97% of women 18-25 have been sexually harassed. That’s a huge number. That’s almost every woman.

We need to have this conversation, and we need to have it now. Or yesterday. Or in the 1960s when feminists highlighted it, and were ignored and ridiculed.

One of the interests I have in this topic is that all of the academic theories of ‘revictimisation’ suggest that male violence only happens to women and girls who are vulnerable or precipitate the crime in some way.

I am of the opinion that if all women say down and completed this written exercise, they would each have so many experiences of male violence, that the theories of revictimisation would cease to make sense. Instead of repeat victimisation of women and girls being something about the individual woman or girl, we would find that male violence is so common in our communities that it’s hard NOT to be a victim of male violence.

Being female in a patriarchy is our so-called vulnerability.

If you wanted to do this exercise yourself, please don’t feel that you have to share it or share the number of incidents you can remember. It’s not useful for everyone and it can be very traumatic for those who are not ready or able to think about the scale of male violence committed against them.

However, if you have read this and think it might be useful, you can do it privately and whilst practising self-care. Sometimes it can help to see a timeline or the sheer scale of what you have been subjected to in your life as a woman.

Thank you for reading.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

@drjesstaylor

Email jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Transforming public perceptions of male violence against women and girls

Featured

Dr Jessica Taylor

@DrJessTaylor

15th March 2021

It only happens to naïve women and the women with low self-esteem.

It only happens to women who wear revealing clothes and have no self-respect.

It only happens to young women and girls. 

It only happens to women who were abused in childhood.

It only happens to poor, disadvantaged women, the uneducated and disempowered women.

It only happens in developing countries. 

Women lie about male violence. 

Women use disclosures and reports as revenge against their exes.

Women exaggerate how common male violence is. 

Women ask for it and want to be treated like objects by men.

Women say no when they really mean yes.

This list could take up my entire blog, and psychologists, feminists and activists have been trying to draw our attention to the way women and girls are perceived and portrayed since the 1960s.

The most important thing to note about all these harmful myths about women subjected to male violence is that they serve one main purpose: to erase the offender from their own crimes and decisions. Instead, the focus is switched back to the woman and everything about her comes under scrutiny. Whether it is her body shape or her sexuality, her character and behaviour is highly likely to be criticised and blamed for being subjected to male violence.

These widely embedded views impact our justice system, mental health systems, education provisions and social care services. My research on this topic showed that views which seek to blame women and girls for male violence committed against them has reached so many different levels and corners of society that we have a real problem on our hands.

Male violence against women is minimised, ignored, glorified, sexualised and excused. Women are positioned as mentally ill, liars and seductresses who lead men on, or cause them to commit acts of violence.

These views need urgent change. We need to completely transform the way we think and talk about women and girls subjected to male violence. 

To that end, I want to talk to you about what I believe to be the 5 most harmful views about women and girls which need to be transformed, and I want to tell you what I have been doing for the last 11 years to try to transform these views, to varying levels of success.

The five beliefs I will discuss are:

1. The abuse, exploitation and murder of women and girls is rare;

2. Women and girls are asking for it;

3. Women and girls should take responsibility to protect themselves from male violence;

4. Women and girls exaggerate or lie about abuse and violence;

5. Women and girls are respected and supported when they disclose their experiences.

In 2014, after a long day managing a rape and domestic abuse centre, I nipped to my local shop to get some bread. The woman who always served me on the counter noticed that I looked particularly tired and troubled. She asked me if I was okay, and I responded that I had had a difficult day at work. She asked the question I often dread being asked in public, ‘What is it that you do then?’

I tried to dodge the question by saying that I managed a charity, but she probed and eventually I told her that I worked in a rape and domestic abuse centre in our town. 

The woman gave me the most extraordinary look. It wasn’tsadness, or pity, or shock – it looked like confusion. She laughed. And then she said the words:

“Well! You mustn’t be very busy then, must you?”

I stared at her, thinking of the 357-strong waiting list we had for counselling and support services. 

“What do you mean?” I replied.

“Well, you know, all that rape and abuse stuff, it doesn’t happen around here does it? You can’t be very busy…”

And that was when I realised she was being serious. She genuinely believed that my job must be very quiet because rape and abuse of women and girls was so rare. I nodded at her, and let her continue her shift thinking that I ran this empty, quiet, unneeded rape centre in a town where the abuse of women and girls never happens. Where me and my counsellors just sit around and play dominoes for want of something to do.

It reminded me, after several years immersed in this type of work, that there were people out there who genuinely believed that the abuse and rape of women and girls was a rare occurrence in the world. 

Instead of being rare, male violence against women is actually very common. 

30-50% of women have been victims of domestic violence by male partners and ex partners (CSEW, 2017) and 1 in 4 girls will be sexually abused in the UK before the age of 12 (NSPCC, 2017). 1 in 5 women will be raped or experience an attempted rape and 1 in 3 women will be subjected to physical sexual violence in her lifespan according to the CDC (2015). This week, the UN and ONS released data stating that 97% of 1000 women have been harassed.

Further, 3 women per week were killed by men in the UK in 2019, representing a 14-year high. 66% of those women were killed by their partners and exes in their own homes, with others being killed by male family members, acquaintances, and strangers (Femicide Census, 2020).

Every year, millions of women and girls are trafficked across the world for sex and estimates suggest that between 60 and 100 million women are missing from the global population due to sex-selective abortion, female infanticide and deliberate neglect of female newborn babies (Watts and Zimmerman, 2002).

In my own study which will be published this summer, we collected data about women’s experiences of male violence from 4636 women and found using a new methodology that 78% of women were sexually assaulted at least once in childhood, and 46% of all women were sexually assaulted more than 3 times. 92% of women reported that they were catcalled in the street in childhood by men.

Only 6% of the women had ever reported any crimes committed against them in childhood to the police.

In adulthood, out of 4636 women, 83% reported that they had been sexually assaulted with 52% of women reporting that they had been sexually assaulted more than 3 times. 

The reality is that in studies and meta-analyses across the world, violence committed against women and girls by men is actually very common. 

And what about belief that women and girls are asking for it?

Research has now spanned several decades (from as far back as the 1960s) to explore why we are so likely to believe in rape myths such as that women and girls ‘ask for it’. Back in the 1960s, around 50% of the public believed that women and girls ask to be raped by the way they act or the way they dress. But have we really made any progress?

In 2017, The Fawcett Society surveyed over 8000 people in the British public and found that 34% of women and 36% of men believed that women are always partially or totally to blame for rape. My own research found that victim blaming of women and girls depends on the way we perceive the woman or girl, and on the type of offence they were subjected to. There were certain types of offences against women and girls which caused high levels of victim blaming, for example, when it came to questions where I asked men and women about ‘asking for it’, 58% of the general public sample assigned at least some blame to the woman. 

The third harmful belief that needs total transformation is that women and girls should do more to protect themselves from male violence.

This might be the one that annoys me the most, especially as entire industries have popped up to exploit this belief. Now we have anti-rape knickers, anti-rape trousers and anti-rape bras (I cannot explain to you how those work, I’ve been trying to figure it out, but I got nowhere). There are even anti-rape jewellery companies now, who have essentially designed and sold little rings with a blade that pops out in case women are attacked by men, and anti-rape necklaces with a blade that pops out, and I’m pretty sure they are illegal.

Add that to the rape self-defence classes and the rape alarms, pepper spray and relentless advice to women and girls not to use the tube, use headphones, wear their hair in a ponytail, use taxis, walk home alone, jog in the park, walk in the dark, eat, sleep or breathe without protecting themselves from male violence – and we have a real culture of placing the responsibility on women and girls instead of on male offenders. 

In my own study, 80% of participants assigned blame to the women who had been subjected to male violence where I described the woman as unable to say no or trapped in a situation or assault that she could not escape. 

I included offences against women which used manipulation, blackmail and intimidation. These features appear to have elicited high levels of blame from the participant group with over 75% of items resulting in high victim blaming of women. The issue appears to be about the woman’s agency and lack of power in the sexual offence, which increased the amount she was blamed; because she did not ‘assert herself’ or stop the offences, she was blamed by the participants.

The belief here presents many problems, and puts us on a pathway to individualising male violence, not into the individual offender, but into the individual woman or girl. Instead of stopping offenders from abusing, oppressing, assaulting and murdering women and girls, we are giving strong public messages that women and girls should make changes to their lives, appearances, experiences and social lives in order to avoid men who want to hurt them. 

In 2017, I interviewed a woman who had been raped multiple times. She told me that she wished people talked about the rape of women in the same way they talked about terrorism. I asked her what she meant, and she told me that when women are raped, they condemn the woman, but when terrorists commit acts of violence, they condemn the terrorist. 

I thought about that conversation for months. I couldn’t get it out of my head. 

She was right.

When innocent women are targeted and attacked by violent offenders, we tell women ‘don’t go there, don’t do that, don’t put yourself at risk’. But when innocent people are targeted by a terrorist attack, we make clear, public statements that our lives will not change, we will not live in fear, we will not change our behaviours or characters, and that we will challenge, condemn and convict terrorist offenders. There is a clear difference. 

It often makes me wonder why any woman would want to live in a world like this. A world in which male violence is seen as so acceptable and so normalised that they should have to walk down the street with their keys poking between their fingers or pretending to be on the phone to try to protect themselves from male violence. 

A world in which women and girls are chatted up by men and boys, and no matter how many times she says no, it is taken as ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’. A world in which women and girls have learned that the only way to stop a man or boy harassing them is to say they have a boyfriend, because the fact that she is already owned by another male is the only thing that might protect her from another violent male. 

Think about the state of that world for our women and girls. We need urgent transformation. We need urgent change. 

As if we needed more bad news, what about the fourth harmful belief – that women and girls exaggerate or lie about abuse and violence committed against them?

Similar to some of the other beliefs about women and girls, the belief that they lie about being subjected to male violence is a tale as old as time. As old in fact, as The Bible.

There are several examples of women being positioned as lying about rape in The Bible, but two clear examples include a story of a woman who lies about being raped by a male servant who is then punished for crimes he never committed, as a warning to women that they will be held responsible for the harm of men who they lie about.

The second example comes from the Old Testament, which suggested that women who are raped outside of city walls should be punished for leaving the city walls, and women who are raped inside of city walls should be punished for lying about it, as the argument is that if they were truly raped inside of city walls, everyone would have heard her screaming for help and would have rescued her.

Whilst these examples come from texts that are hundreds, maybe thousands of years old, not much has really changed here in 2021. 

There is still a strong belief that women lie about being raped and abused by men, with research showing that 38% of soap storylines about rape depict a woman lying about being raped (APA, 2007). The media has a huge role to play in this. Despite false rape allegations being very rare (around 2% according to Lonsway et al., 2007), the media tends to overreport on cases where there are accusations of false rape allegations and this influences the public to believe that women and girls often lie about being raped. In 1980, Burt found that half of men and women from a community sample believed that women lie about being raped and almost thirty years later, Kahlor and Morrison (2007) found that participants believed that an average of 19% of sexual assault and rape reports by women were false.

The final harmful belief that needs urgent change, is that we have made progress.

Professionals, academics and members of the public say this to me frequently. They tell me how much better it is for women and girls now, and that women and girls are believed, respected and supported when they report male violence.

I have lost count of the times I have been told, “It’s not like that anymore!” when I have been criticising our national and international responses to the abuse and oppression of women and girls. 

It’s as if we decided that if we tell ourselves enough times that things are better, our practice has improved and that we’ve made huge progress, it will become true. But it isn’t becoming true at all. 

Women and girls are still faced with serious barriers to justice around the world. Whether it’s the rape clause in tax credits, the police being able to mine your mobile phone data and social media accounts when you report abuse, the lowest conviction rate for rape the UK has ever seen, the messages from police telling women and girls that they should keep themselves safer or the victim blaming of little girls who have been trafficked, raped and drugged by gangs of men – where is the progress?

Research has shown that when women and girls do report their abuses and rapes to the police, over 73% of them blame themselves after being questioned (Campbell et al., 2009). When women and girls tell their families that they have been abused by men, 78% of them experience their loved ones turning against them (Reyea and Ullman, 2015). The reporting rate of rape and sexual violence reduces every year according to the Crime Survey England and Wales. 

This final point brings me to what I’ve been doing for many years now, attempting to cause cultural, systemic and psychological change in our professional and public spheres.

I’m just like thousands of other women; I’ve had enough of this. I have worked in the criminal justice system, rape centres, domestic abuse support, child sexual exploitation and anti-human trafficking and these portrayals of women and girls need to be changed urgently.

My work, along with the work of many other dedicated activists, female leaders and academics have consistently and robustly challenged victim blaming, rape myths and misogyny in our social systems. But transformation isn’t easy. It is especially difficult, when people do not see the need for change, or believe that what they are doing is righteous or justified. 

I have worked with organisations who blame girls for being raped, and tell me that the girls brought it on themselves, and need ‘a good shock to the system’. I have worked with police sergeants who have told me that 12 year old rape and trafficking victims are ‘easy’ and ‘slags’.

I have worked with youth hostel managers who have told me that when girls lie about their age to get social media accounts, they deserve to be raped. I have dealt with cover up after cover up.

I have challenged professionals who thought that showing videos of girls being raped to teenage girls would make them ‘protect themselves from sexual exploitation’. I have worked with police teams who tell women that it will be their fault if their rapist attacks another woman, if they do not give good evidence in court for prosecution. I have worked with professionals who believe that women who have been abused and raped should not be allowed to have their own children.

Transformation is hard work. It requires critical reflection, humility, an examination of your own biases and of the cultures and systems you exist within. It means that you have to work through your own stuff – and work out how much of it you are projecting on to others. Sometimes, it means acknowledging that you have worked or lived in a way which has harmed women and girls in profound ways, and that you need to do something to take responsibility for that. 

The same is true of systems. It means that organisations, governments, authorities, charities and companies must examine their own role in the way they have portrayed and treated women and girls when they have been subjected to male violence. They must explore their own strategies, policies, staff training, measurement tools, organisational cultures and belief systems. 

I have been challenging some of the most powerful structures in our country for years about this, and it causes a range of responses.

One of the first things I had to do to be able to effectively challenge is resign from my job, something I never expected to have to do. As soon as I started to challenge the wrongdoing and unethical treatment of women and girls, people came after my job and started to write to my employers. I was very lucky that my employer stood by me, but I knew from that day on, that I had to go it alone.

I figured that they couldn’t come after my job, if I was self-employed. Who would give me the P45?

With that out of the way, I could concentrate on working with willing (and unwilling) professionals and organisations to explore their practice, challenge their beliefs about women and girls and encourage them to reframe everything they do. No small ask. 

To finish this blog, I want to tell you two more stories. One of them highlights how resistant we are to changing the way we think and talk about women and girls subjected to male violence, and the next shows how capable of transformation we really are, when we just take a step back and think.

In 2018, I had been working on a contract for 18 months with an authority who had approached me to retrain and rewrite their materials about the sexual abuse and exploitation of girls in the UK.

My job was to rewrite and then deliver the materials to 600 professionals who worked every day with girls who were sexually abused, trafficked and exploited. I had been doing this every month for 18 months when one of my professional students approached me.

“Have you seen the email that went around?” He sort of stumbled over his words in a lowered voice and looked over his shoulder.

I hadn’t seen an email. 

“They’ve sent an email out to everyone saying to ignore your training and materials, because they are causing too much challenge.”

I was shocked. We had spent months causing serious organisational change, which had included empowering hundreds of social workers to challenge the victim blaming and abuse of girls they were working with. 

“They said that too many of us were challenging decisions about the girls, and that everyone kept citing your work and your training. They have sent an email to say that we are to ignore everything we learn today, and that they are going to be stopping your training.”

He was right, and that is exactly what they did. 

They never replied to my calls or emails to explain why they had chosen to stop systemic change, and to tell their professionals to ignore their new skills and knowledge. The woman I had worked closely with at the authority resigned soon after, and told me that she couldn’t continue to work there knowing what they had done. 

The issue here was that the authority had not planned for the way successful systemic change causes complete cultural change – and when they had got exactly what they had asked for, they were not ready for hundreds of educated, critical thinkers making better decisions and challenging poor practice. Instead of empowering transformation, they shut it down. 

By contrast, while I was writing this blog, a woman from an organisation I worked with recently called me. She called for a catch up and as we were finishing the conversation, she rushed to add something.

“By the way, the team you worked with on their misogyny towards the girls they are working with went away from your sessions and realised that they were wrong. They apologised to all of the girls and took responsibility.”

I was gobsmacked. This team had been controlling what girls wore, and telling them that wearing vest tops, shorts or skirts was ‘asking for it’ and ‘dressing inappropriately’. I challenged them and they were not at all comfortable with needing to change. They were certainly not ready for change. One of them even made a comment that they would prefer the advice of a male academic than me. 

To hear that they had not only apologised to the girls but had removed all clothing rules and empowered the girls to wear whatever they wanted, was such a sweet shock – and a reminder that transformation is possible, and it is within our reach. 

So, what can we all do to cause transformation?

Be braver. 

Think critically about the world around us, and why so many of our systems seek to blame women.

Acknowledge the reality of male violence against women, and talk about it.

Challenge the messages and beliefs which place responsibility on women and girls for the violence of men who harm them.

Hold systems to account, and challenge them to be better. 

Believe women, support women and stand up for their rights. 

Transformation is possible – but more importantly, it is absolutely vital.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

15th March 2021

Email jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Buy Why Women Are Blamed for Everything on Kindle, Hardback or Paperback: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Women-Blamed-Everything-Victim-Blaming/dp/1472135482/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=why+women+are+blamed+for+everything&qid=1615654143&sprefix=why+women&sr=8-1

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Why we should never use childhood trauma to excuse male violence

Why we should never use childhood trauma to excuse male violence

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

27 January 2021

I have noticed an alarming pattern recently. More and more professionals, speakers and influencers are latching on to the theory that childhood trauma is the reason that men commit acts of violence such as domestic abuse, sexual abuse and rape.

This is not a new phenomenon. We have been excusing male violence for millennia. We have normalised it, minimised it; we’ve even glorified it in film, literature and song. Male violence has been smothered in righteousness, justice and honour. Men killing each other, colonising countries, going to war with each other, raping and abusing women and children, and enslaving entire populations, is a huge part of our global history.

What I am noticing now, is the academic movement towards explaining or excusing male violence (especially towards women and children) by arguing that the offender had a difficult or traumatic childhood.

In this blog, I am going to set out the key arguments as to why this is false, and why this is happening. My main arguments will be that:

1. Childhood trauma does not cause adult offending

2. Childhood trauma is used differently against men and women

3. ACEs frameworks have been debunked and should not be used to explain male violence offending

4. This is all another elaborate excuse to sympathise with male abusers and force women to take responsibility for men’s responses and actions

Okay. Are we sitting comfortably? If so, let’s begin.

Childhood trauma does not cause adult offending

This has to be the most obvious counter argument to those who claim that men commit violent acts because of their terrible childhoods. Childhood trauma does not cause adult offending at all. Arguably, if it did, the majority of all adult violent offenders would be women. Globally, girls are subjected to much more childhood trauma than boys are. This includes forced marriage, FGM, forced pregnancies, abortions, rape, corrective rape, sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, sex trafficking and exploitation to name but a few of the misogynistic oppressions of girls. If childhood trauma really does cause violent offending in later life, why, according to the FBI (2019) are 97% of all violent offenders male? And why, according to the MOJ, are 96% of all sexual abusers and 99% of all murderers male? Where are all the angry, wronged, misunderstood female victims-turned-murderers and abusers? They seem to be missing.

Something just doesn’t stack up, does it?

More broadly, there is no evidence that being abused in childhood means that you will go on to abuse others in adulthood. What is interesting about this, is that some studies that have tried to explore this have found that less than 1% of victims of abuse go on to abuse others, but when we ask men in prison why they abuse others, over 55% of them say it was because they were abused as children (MOJ, 2014). This is particularly true for domestic abuse perpetrators, who have a tendency to report that they were abused in childhood or witnessed domestic abuse of their mothers.

Whilst I am not necessarily disputing this, and I believe that loads (if not all) of those men were subjected to abuse in childhood, I do not accept it as a reason for why they made a choice in free will to then go on to abuse another human (statistically, a woman or girl).

The fact that they were abused in childhood, or had other serious traumas to cope with, is not a reason or explanation for their crimes against women and girls. The moment you start introducing their childhood as a reason, you completely diminish their capacity, choice and agency – which the majority of these offenders have in abundance.

You know how to tell that they are making free choices to abuse women and girls, and that their childhood has nothing to do with it?

Because they don’t rape, abuse, traffic and control men. They know not to lash out at their boss. They don’t abuse their brothers. They don’t rape their best mate at the pub. They don’t groom their colleague. They don’t threaten to kill their Dad.

They deliberately abuse and control women and girls. It’s a choice. It’s always a choice. It’s a conscious decision to bully and abuse someone specific, isn’t it?

The same men who tell their wives and girlfriends that they ‘can’t help it’ and ‘just lose it’ and ‘see red’, sure seem able to keep their jobs and friendships, where everyone thinks butter wouldn’t melt.

Why is this important? Because it means that the same men claiming they have no control actually have immense control over when they offend and who against.

Childhood trauma is used differently against men and women

This is important. Childhood trauma is used to excuse men and incriminate women. Women reading this who have ever tried to report to the police or have ended up in family court will know exactly what I’m talking about.

Men use childhood trauma to excuse, minimise, frame and contextualise their abusive behaviours. Their lawyers and police officers explain that he can’t help it, because of the way he was brought up. That he’s traumatised and needs help for his childhood traumas. That he’s struggling and needs understanding and time.

Women will tell you, when their childhood traumas are brought up in an official context, it is not for a good reason. It’s not to excuse them or reframe them as in need of forgiveness or mercy.

Fuck, no.

Women know that their childhood is brought up for one reason, and one reason only:

To frame them as mentally unstable.

Childhood traumas are the ultimate get out of jail free card for men, and are a one way ticket to a psychiatric evaluation and a family assessment for women.

You see, women’s childhood trauma is used to beat them with, and men’s childhood trauma is used to excuse them and exonerate them. This is arguably linked to the hypermisogynistic society we inhabit, which ignores and trivialises women’s suffering and traumas, and reframes it all as personality disorders and hysteria.

Lots of academic work has been conducted to explore topics related to this. One study from 2018 showed that when women are having cardiac symptoms in emergency departments, they are left on average 4 hours longer without treatment or examination than men with the exact same symptoms. The researchers interviewed doctors and concluded that it was because even the most skilled doctors working in emergency departments were influenced by misogynistic myths that women over exaggerate their pain and physical symptoms. This leads to men’s suffering and pain being taken much more seriously than that of women, and leads to many more women dying of heart attacks than men.

This effect simply spreads out across many different experiences of womanhood, and includes the way we position women’s childhood traumas as exaggerated attention seeking and mental health issues, whereas men’s childhood traumas are validated and considered to be impacting their behaviour and decision making.

ACEs frameworks have been debunked and should not be used to explain male violence

I have written blogs and delivered several talks, YouTube videos and webinars about the ACEs framework being made up bullshit so I will save you from reading it again.

If you have no idea what ACEs are, watch this video and then come back:

https://youtu.be/yE-pncpeGw4

Okay, so for those of you who know that ACEs were a very simple set of questions used for population level epidemiology research, that the original authors have literally begged people to stop using in trauma and mental health…

I’ve noticed that some professionals, speakers and academics have started to talk publicly about certain so-called ‘ACE scores’ causing men to become domestic violence perpetrators, rapists and even paedophiles.

This worries me greatly, not least because the ACE framework has no validity in the first place, but because there is an undercurrent there of excusing or explaining male violence using childhood adversity.

We have to be absolutely clear on this, as psychologists, social workers, prison officers, police officers, policy makers and academics:

Childhood trauma and adverse life experiences do not cause you to commit rape and abuse. Millions of people who have devastating childhoods will never harm anyone as long as they live. There is no causal relationship between childhood trauma, ACEs and offending (no matter how hard the DFE and Department for Health try to make daft cartoons about this made up relationship).

We talk so much about being ‘trauma-informed’ and ‘strengths-based’ and believing in ‘resilience’ and ‘capacity for change’. And yet, here we are being encouraged to simply blame the childhoods of violent male offenders who could seemingly keep their violence to themselves at all other times except for when raping their girlfriend, or abusing their child.

We are giving them yet another excuse. We will never cause social change if we just keep piling up excuses for male violence at the feet of violent men.

This is all another elaborate excuse to sympathise with male abusers and force women to take responsibility for men’s responses and actions

Where this ultimately leads us, is back to blaming women and girls for the violence of men. If every time a man rapes or abuses or kills a woman or girl, we look back to his childhood and then suggest that he committed those crimes because of how awful his childhood was, we remove his agency and culpability.

What follows, is an expectation on women and girls to help, support and understand these ‘troubled’ men, and not to hold them responsible for their own violent choices and actions. Instead of prosecuting them, holding them accountable and speaking out about male violence, our society shrinks back to sympathising with and supporting male violence as if it is the natural way of the world, that men cannot help themselves.

Their victims (mainly women and girls) are then framed as responsible not only for male violence, but for helping men to be better men. The narratives around this are already pretty embedded, and women and girls often feel a sense of duty to ‘help’ violent and abusive men to be better, or get help. Even women escaping serious danger from violent exes and family members often feel guilty for not ‘helping them enough’.

I’ve worked with hundreds of women who, when they finally leave abusive and violent men, are told by those men that they ‘need help’ and ‘will seek counselling’ and ‘need their support’.

Women are conditioned to believe that this is true, and that their role is to selflessly support a violent man whilst he figures out the most basic tenet of a mutual relationship: don’t hurt others.

Men often position themselves in the patriarchy as the ones with the agency, the brains, the power, the strength, the money, the opportunities, the ideas and the choices.

And yet, when it comes to their offending against women and girls, we infantilise them as if they are small, malleable 2 year olds who watched a cartoon and then copied it with no understanding of context or content.

When will we finally stop listening to men’s excuses about their violence?

“I was stressed

I was jealous

I was abused as a child

I had a traumatic life

I was made redundant

I was tired

I was depressed”

So?

That doesn’t give them a licence to commit violent crimes, and pretend they had no agency or choice.

We need to stop discussing their childhoods and their past traumas as reasons or contributing factors in their violent crimes.

Every single time male offenders choose to rape, abuse or murder, they make an active and considered decision, that you cannot blame on their childhood.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

Email: jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Tweet: @DrJessTaylor

Facebook: @JessForenPsych

Web: http://www.victimfocus.org.uk

Positive thinking phrases you should never use about abuse

Positive thinking phrases you should never use about abuse

Dr Jessica Taylor

Content warning for discussion of abuse and rape

Whether you are reading this as someone who has been subjected to abuse, whether you know someone who has or you are a professional who supports people who have – you might notice some ‘positive thinking’ phrases in here that you use to reframe the abuse.

This blog explores some of those phrases and then discusses why we shouldn’t use them, and the problems they create for people who have been subjected to all forms of abuse.

The positive thinking phrases I will discuss in this blog are:

‘It made you stronger’

‘You had something positive from it’

‘It made you who you are today’

‘Everything happens for a reason’

‘You get back what you give’

‘Positivity attracts positive people’

‘We can’t change what happened, but we can change how we feel/respond to it’

Whilst some of these sound brilliant, they can harm us in ways we don’t realise. Especially if we begin to believe some of the connotations of these phrases and their underlying beliefs – which are often linked to victim blaming.

So let’s jump right in with the worst of them all.

‘It made you stronger

Most people who have been subjected to abuse have heard or read this one countless times. Maybe you had been telling someone what you have been through, and suddenly, some well meaning friend or therapist tells you that the abuser, or the rapist or your abusive parent ‘made you stronger’.

It’s always meant well.

But the thing is, being raped or abused or harmed or beaten up or gaslit every day didn’t make us stronger – it did the opposite. It really hurt us. It felt like it destroyed us. It broke us down into pieces.

For some of us, this phrase puts an awful lot of pressure on us to be some kick-ass strong survivor type person. To be able to brush it off and keep going. To pretend that none of it impacts us anymore, because it made us stronger. Right?

No, the abuser or rapist, the abuse and the rape did not make us stronger at all – but if we did feel stronger these days, we did that ourselves.

Don’t ever give credit to an abuser for making someone else stronger. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that being raped or abused MADE you or anyone else stronger. Instead, if you or someone else feels that they are getting stronger after living through trauma, that’s something they did for themselves.

Don’t attribute that to the offender, or the offence.

‘You got something positive from it’

This one is quite specific, and relates to the way that women and girls who have children with abusers are told that they should be thankful that they got something positive from the rape or abuse (their children).

I would go even further and say that I’ve heard some people say things like ‘well think about it, if you hadn’t been raped/trafficked/abused, you wouldn’t have your kids, would you?’

Or even

‘Well, you wouldn’t want to change what you’ve been through, because then you would never have had your kids!’

I just want to say this:

Women, you do not have to feel thankful that you had children with a rapist or an abuser. You can love your kids and still wish you were never subjected to trauma and abuse that changed your life.

You do not have to associate these things, or hold them as equivalents.

And to people who say this to others:

I know you mean well, but this really does induce a lot of guilt when women are trying to talk about the abuse and trauma they have been subjected to.

Yes, they might have ‘got two wonderful kids out of it’ (in your perspective), but she lived through hell. Her kids are not a consolation prize or a reward for putting up with being raped and abused.

Don’t use this one, it’s just never a good idea to go down this line of reasoning with a woman.

I would extend this, however, to any argument that someone makes that a woman, man, boy or girl ‘took something positive’ from being abused or harmed.

It’s just not okay to reframe their suffering and oppression as something positive, or a gift of some kind.

‘It made you who you are today’

So much shit is said with good intentions, and here is another common example.

Whether you’ve said this to someone who has been subjected to abuse, or whether you say it to yourself – the abuse did not make you who you are today.

This one redefines your entire life, your entire being – as a product of the abuse and the choices of the abuser.

Being raped or abused or oppressed did not make you who you are today.

You are not defined by the crimes of another.

‘Everything happens for a reason’

This one is related more to theories such as Belief in a Just World, in which people who say these kinds of things tend to believe that things happen for a reason (because you are a good person, because you are a bad person, because you deserve it etc).

However, being told that ‘everything happens for a reason’ strikes me as a mixture between not knowing what else to say, trying to say something meaningful and reframing the abuse or rape as predestined to happen for some sort of cosmic reason.

I mean, if you wanted to be picky, I could say, yes, the rape and abuse did happen for a reason, the reason is that the abuser is a nasty fucking lowlife who made an active choice to harm others instead of looking at themselves. That’s the reason.

But it has nothing to do with your life, or your journey. It didn’t happen to you to teach you a lesson, or to help you, or to make you grow as a person, or to make you stronger, or to mould or shape or define you.

I would actually argue that there is no evidence that ‘everything happens for a reason’, anyway. Especially not in the cosmic sense.

Most things that happen to us or are done to us are random, and often could not be predicted or stopped. The world is a zillion possibilities all zooming around, colliding, missing, synchronising at once.

The reality is that you could drive to work today and bump into the car in front. Or you could get a text message from an old friend that changes your life. Or you could fall over and break your knee. Or you could stay home and see an advert on the TV that makes you consider stopping smoking. Or your partner could tell you they are no longer happy. Or your kid could get a cold. Or your tire could be flat when you go outside.

So many things happen in a day. And yet, we often tell ourselves that they mean something, that they all happen for a special, magical reason.

We are best to avoid this kind of thinking, especially when thinking about rape and abuse.

The only reason it happened was because the abuser chose to harm another human. The rest is just magical thinking that we use to give meaning to experiences we try to make sense of.

The issue with this one, is that it can lead us to believe that the rape or abuse was supposed to happen to us, for some sort of reason. It then undoubtedly leads to ‘why me?’ questions, which often turn into victim blaming and self blame.

‘You get back what you give’

I really hate this one. Especially when used in the context of abuse.

Simply put: no you don’t.

The entire dynamic of being abused is that you DON’T get back what you give. Often, victims of abuse and oppression are putting everything into a relationship or situation and are not even afforded basic human respect.

Abuse has nothing to do with what the victim ‘puts in’ or ‘gives’.

Abuse is always about the offender and what they are choosing to do to other humans.

My main issue with this one is that it assumes that you ‘get back’ what you ‘give’ – for example, if you don’t work hard in a relationship or situation then you will be treated like shit. It implies that you have been abused because you didn’t ‘give’ enough in the relationship or situation.

Nope. No. Ugh.

This is not appropriate at all when discussing abuse. It reminds me very much of the people who say that you only get treated how you allow others to treat you, which is also bollocks.

‘Positivity attracts positive people’

I’ve seen this one being used in domestic abuse, usually towards women, and it bothers me a lot.

This obsession with meaningless, empty Instagram quotes is impacting the quality of the advice we give to women subjected to abuse.

This one annoys me because it suggests that if you are a positive person who believes in positive thinking and positive action, you will only attract positive people into your life, and you will not be abused or harmed by them.

It’s essentially victim blaming.

It’s suggesting that the person attracted someone ‘negative’ into their life by not being positive enough. Almost as if, happy positive people will not be targeted by abusers or oppressors, because their positivity is some sort of force field that only attracts good people and repels bad ones.

It’s bollocks, basically.

And it puts a lot of pressure on people who have been subjected to abuse and harm to be more positive in order to ‘attract the right people’.

It’s a really nasty, insidious one.

Don’t say it to people who have been subjected to abuse, and even more importantly, don’t feel that you ‘attracted’ the wrong ‘type’ of people into your life by being a certain way.

It feeds self blame, but sounds like positive thinking. Same as many of the others, really.

‘We can’t change what happened, but we can change how we feel/respond to it’

The final one is this interesting rhetoric which probably has its roots in cognitive therapy traditions, this idea that you can simply change the way you think about your abuse or rape or childhood trauma.

The problem with this one when used in abuse and trauma is that we are essentially saying to victims of serious crime and oppression that they can just choose to think differently about what was done to them, and stop being sad, anxious, scared, angry, traumatised etc.

This isn’t realistic and it minimises the real impact of those crimes on the person. It also puts pressure on the person to respond ‘better’ than they are already doing.

It’s a message of, ‘Yes, this did happen to you, but you could be dealing with it better if you just thought positively’.

It’s not fair to expect this of anyone, and it comes across as shaming people who are trying to cope with trauma and the impact of abuse.

I remember once having this discussion with a senior clinical psychologist and we did eventually come to the conclusion that it borders on gaslighting by professionals to tell a traumatised person to think differently or respond differently to the abuse or trauma. I feel exactly the same way about this phrase used in positive thinking.

Final thought

Lots of phrases we use in positive thinking and in supporting people subjected to abuse and trauma sound good, mean well, but are having detrimental and harmful impacts on them, including inducing guilt, shame and blame.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

Psychologist

Director of VictimFocus

10 November 2020

My books and resources are at http://www.victimfocus-resources.com

More information at http://www.victimfocus.org.uk

Email: jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Tweet: @DrJessTaylor

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JessForenPsych

‘Men only target vulnerable women’ & other myths

Featured

Dr Jessica Taylor

15th October 2020

Content warning for rape, abuse and blaming of women and girls.

One of the biggest lies we’ve ever been fed is that women and girls have an innate vulnerability which causes sex offenders, domestic violence offenders and child abusers to spot them and target them.

I write this blog to dispel this powerful myth, and to reassure millions of women and girls that it wasn’t their ‘vulnerability’ which led to them being beaten up, abused, raped or harmed.

I want to make this argument in six points:

⁃ The vulnerability myth is based on some very old, and very shit science

⁃ We like to deny our own vulnerability by calling other people ‘vulnerable’

⁃ We teach children that only ‘vulnerable’ kids get abused and harmed

⁃ We have an oversimplified understanding of abusers and offenders

⁃ We don’t know how to tackle the global epidemic of male violence

⁃ Vulnerability does not lead to other humans committing crime

The message which I hope to convey is that ‘vulnerability’ is not the cause or the source of the abuse that women and girls are subjected to. Further, we have leant on this explanation so heavily that services, programmes, interventions and policies are based upon it, despite it being incorrect.

The vulnerability myth is based on some very old, and very shit science

Calling women and girls ‘vulnerable’ is so commonplace now, you might not even notice it. You might not notice that when a woman or girl is abused, someone will point out her ‘vulnerabilities’. You might not notice that the conversation often becomes about her background, her personality, her childhood or her understanding.

The truth is that this process of seeking and assessing ‘vulnerabilities’ of women and girls who have been abused and harmed is deeply embedded into social care, psychology, mental health, counselling, policing, legislation, education, law and justice.

To understand how we got to a place where we pick apart the woman or girl and lay out her ‘vulnerabilities’ as reasons for being raped, trafficked, abused or traumatised – we have to look at some of the old theories which have continued to influence our thinking.

One such theory is almost 80 years old, and comes from positivist victimology.

Key theorists in victimology and criminology as far back as 1948 argued that only certain types of people became victims of crime and often brought it upon themselves.

Hans Von Hentig wrote in Time Magazine (1948):

‘Certain characteristics of law-abiding citizens arouse a counter reaction in the criminal. The inexperienced businessman, for example, invites embezzlement; the nagging wife is flirting with murder; the alcoholic is a natural for robbery. Thus, the victim becomes the tempter.’

As you can see from this example, it is theorised that victims ‘tempt’ and ‘arouse’ criminals to commit crimes by being vulnerable, inexperienced – or… a woman.

Spoiler alert: There is a lot of misogyny in vulnerability theories and research.

Later victimology theorists such as Benjamin Mendelsohn and Stephen Schafer also suggested that victims caused crime by being weak, vulnerable, female, old, disabled or young. All three theorists suggested that victims precipitate crime by provoking offenders. Whilst this sounds somewhat outdated, these perspectives are alive and well.

Many theories within psychology and criminology still rely on the assumption that women subjected to sexual and domestic violence either brought the offence on themselves, should have done something to protect themselves, should have behaved in a different way or that their vulnerabilities led to the offender targeting and attacking them.

Victim precipitation theory and research suggests that victims precipitate a crime by their behaviour, vulnerability, character or even the way they walk. This research is still ongoing, and only recently I spoke to an academic who was conducting research into which women were ‘vulnerable’ to being raped by their gait and style of walking.

The argument goes that if a woman or girl walks in a way which is not confident or assertive, she gives off some sort of signal to offenders that she is vulnerable and would therefore be a good target for rape or abuse.

Walking isn’t the only thing which academics have suggested to be a vulnerability in women and girls – everything from their appearance to their childhood has been explored in the literature for decades. There are thousands of articles and studies which seek to name the ‘vulnerability factors’ of women and girls, with the aim of reducing them by changing something about that woman or girl.

Interestingly, the same cannot be said for men who are raped and abused, they are not generally discussed as if they were ‘vulnerable’ to offenders or ‘giving off signals’ to be raped or abused.

It’s as if we see rape as a violent crime when committed against men, but as natural process of taking of an opportunity of a weak person, when rape is committed against women.

The reason that I reject this research and these theories entirely is simple: none of it is true, and if you look hard enough for correlations, you’ll find them no matter what they are.

If I looked hard enough, I bet I could find a correlation between which vegetables women eat and being subjected to violence or abuse by men. The reality is that violence against women and girls is so common, that you can often find correlations that don’t really exist, purely based on how common one of the variables is.

I, and thousands of other professionals, have been working with abused women and girls for decades. Those of us who have done these jobs know that we come across women and girls from every background imaginable. I’ve never seen a particular personality, character, appearance, walk or background that has formed any sort of pattern in the women I have supported.

I’ve supported everyone from female MPs to child victims of trafficking. I’ve worked with lawyers and police officers who were being raped and abused by their husbands at home. I’ve worked with social workers who work in safeguarding teams every day and live in fear of their partners. I’ve worked with women who were experts in martial arts who were raped and beaten up by men. I’ve discussed experiences of abuse and rape with women in the military and women who are now veterans.

Equally, I’ve worked with women who have been in care since they were toddlers. I’ve supported girls who have been trafficked around the country. I’ve worked with girls who have never known a safe place to live and have struggled to get a decent meal.

I can’t think of any ‘vulnerability’ that any of these women or girls had in common. They were a mixture of confident, nervous, strong, terrified, healthy, unwell, believed, ignored, extrovert, introvert, popular, lonely, religious, atheist, old, young, poor, rich, supported and isolated women and girls.

The only thing they had in common was that they were females in a patriarchy, and that means that statistically, they are at constant risk from male violence.

We like to deny our own vulnerability by calling other women ‘vulnerable’

You might be wondering why we go to such efforts to name the vulnerability in the woman or girl.

My work, and the work of many others, explores the concept of ‘denial of personal vulnerability’.

Simply put, this means that we are all vulnerable at some level, but we like to pretend we are not.

We are vulnerable not because of innate characteristics or behaviours, but purely due to how common abuse and rape is. At any given time, any of us could be attacked, assaulted, abused, threatened, groomed or even murdered. But to think in such terms would leave most of us anxious and terrified to live a normal life, so we instead tell ourselves that it would never happen to us, because we are not ‘vulnerable’ like those other women and girls who are raped and abused.

We tell ourselves that we would never be that stupid, never be that trusting, never drink that much, never date that guy, never go to that place. We tell ourselves that we would ‘see the signs’. We tell ourselves that the first time he laid his hands on us, we would be out of the door.

It’s all bullshit, of course. But we like to redirect our own feelings of personal vulnerability by pointing the finger at victims and then picking out their ‘vulnerabilities’. We then say ‘ahhh, that’s why she was raped, well, I would never do that, I would never let that happen to me.’

It’s a defence mechanism. A coping strategy for living in a patriarchy. We blame and name other women and girls as ‘vulnerable’ so we don’t ever have to face the fact that it could happen to us.

This is true even when academics write papers about ‘vulnerabilities’ of women and girls subjected to male violence. The difference is, they get to dress it up with big words, theories and titles so that we all nod and agree. It must be the vulnerabilities of the victims! Of course!

We teach children that only ‘vulnerable’ kids get abused and harmed

We invest a huge amount of time and effort into convincing each other that only the vulnerable will be abused, raped and harmed. This starts early, as early as primary school.

Children are taught in PSHE, assemblies and workshops that only the vulnerable children will be abused or groomed. Resources from everywhere from NSPCC to Barnardo’s have endorsed the myth that only the vulnerable children will be abused, and that if we remove their ‘vulnerabilities’ they will be safe from sex offenders and child abusers.

It’s again, all total rubbish. But that doesn’t stop us from showing children videos, resources and sessions which encourage them to identify the ‘vulnerability’ of the child who is raped and abused. It also doesn’t stop us from constructing entire vulnerability assessments in professional practice which erroneously attempt to identify which vulnerabilities of the child caused the abuse, so we can ‘solve’ them.

A common example of this is when professionals conclude that a girl has been exploited or raped because she didn’t ‘have enough education about consent and healthy relationships’.

This leads to plans around the child which suggest that increasing her knowledge of consent and abuse will protect her from the sex offender who is exploiting her, because once she has more knowledge, she will use the knowledge to defend herself and protect herself better.

This completely ignores the fact that even the most educated professionals who work in abuse every day, are still just as likely to be abused as anyone else. There has been no research which suggests that knowledge of abuse is protective. It is educative at best. This is because power dynamics and the choice to commit violent crime against women and girls has literally fuck all to do with the victim and has everything to do with the motivation and personal choices of the offender.

If we are to tackle this myth, we need to look at why we embed it from such an early age in girls and boys around the world.

We have an oversimplified understanding of abusers and offenders

One of them main issues we have is that whilst we like to scream ‘monster’ and ‘pervert’ and ‘paedo’ at offenders, we don’t actually get taught anything about these men. This leads to serious misunderstandings about offenders who commit domestic and sexual violence offences.

One such misunderstanding is that offenders carefully seek out and then deliberately target the most vulnerable women and girls in society.

This is very easily disproved, especially as direct qualitative research with sex offenders and domestic violence offenders shows that men who commit these crimes target their victims for hundreds of reasons, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with vulnerability.

In interviews, sex offenders have said that they targeted girls because they liked their hair, their tights, their body shape and their smile. Sex offenders report targeting children because they are confident and happy. Some talk about their specific sexual fantasies. Some only target girls of certain ages and ethnicities. Some sex offenders report not caring who their victims are at all, and will rape and abuse any child they can.

When it comes to online sex offending, there is plenty of evidence that sex offenders target children and adults randomly, based on whoever responds first and in a way they want. This means they can literally use a scattergun approach to attack and groom hundreds of victims per day, and never know anything about their so-called ‘vulnerabilities’.

In chat logs of sex offenders abusing children which were analysed by Kloess et al. (2017), most offenders never even asked for details about the child. They were not seeking vulnerabilities to exploit. They were targeting hundreds of different kids. They had very little in common.

With the abuse and grooming of adult women, the same can be said. It is seen as ‘common knowledge’ that abusers target vulnerable women – and yet, many offenders actually target assertive and confident women who spend the rest of their lives wondering how that man managed to grind them down and destroy their sense of self.

The reality is, for lots of misogynists, destroying confident and healthy women is part of the fun. It’s part of the kick they get out of belittling and humiliating her. Why would an offender always target vulnerable women, when they enjoy breaking down women and controlling them?

The vulnerability theory is just myth. It suggests that offenders don’t target or abuse ‘strong’ women, and that if you are a strong woman, it shouldn’t ever happen to you.

This is particularly true for Black women who are generally positioned as strong, aggressive matriarchs due to racism. So it’s even harder for Black women to be seen as victims of abuse and male violence, because we assume they are all ‘strong, assertive’ women who would never be targeted by abusers. There has been much written about this phenomenon, and it deserves a lot more attention. Especially as it exposes so fluently, the stereotypes we use to build the ‘perfect victim’, and what happens when you as a woman, sit outside of that perfect victim stereotype.

If you are not seen as vulnerable or weak, you can often be positioned as a liar or a malicious ex.

It’s almost as if we believe that all victims of male violence must be inherently vulnerable women and girls, and they are not vulnerable, they are not real victims.

We don’t know how to tackle the global epidemic of male violence

This is probably fairly obvious, but we don’t actually know how to (and there is very little appetite for) challenge and end global, systemic male violence.

We did get to a point where we started to take notice of the fact that 97-99% of all violent crime is committed by men globally, and that we had to do something about the way men and boys were being socialised and brought up to regard fighting, violence, sexual power, competition and bullying as masculine traits to aim for.

However, more recently, we have seemingly gone backwards. When we talk about male violence or male crime stats, we are shouted down and told we are misandrists and man-hating feminist bitches, (ironic, but okay).

It seems that if we cannot even publicly address decades of solid evidence and statistics, we definitely cannot work towards tackling male violence yet. As much as I would love to see that for the good of our entire species, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink.

Everyone knows the reality of violent crime, but many are reluctant to do anything with it.

We’ve now moved away from holding men responsible (again) and gone back towards positivist theories of victim precipitation and vulnerability.

Vulnerability in one human does not lead to other humans committing crime

My final message has to be the clearest.

It does not matter how vulnerable a woman or girl is, it never ever ‘causes’ another human with free will to choose to abuse, rape or kill them.

Absolutely nothing inside that victim has any power or effect on the choice-making of an offender.

They are capable and competent adults who make active choices to harm women and girls for one reason:

Because they want to.

You don’t need any other theories. Offenders do it, ultimately, because they want to. That’s why they are able to keep their cool with their boss, or their best mate, or some dickhead they play footy with – but ‘lose their cool’ with their girlfriend at home or abuse little girls.

This isn’t about vulnerability of the woman or girl, it’s about a choice that is made by a misogynistic, violent offender who wants to abuse and harm women and girls (and in some cases, children in general rather than just girls).

Let me explain something to everyone reading this blog:

If vulnerabilities lead to some sort of human arousal or temptation in us to exploit or abuse or kill weaker humans, we would all do it (or at least the majority of us). And yet, not only do the majority of humans not commit these crimes, but women hardly commit any.

Globally, women are only responsible for around 2% of violent crime. So does this mean that victim precipitation theory only applies to male offenders and female victims?

If the vulnerability theories were real, that would mean that if you came across a drunk woman, accidentally separated from her friends and lost in the high street, you would think ‘she’s vulnerable and alone, I could do something to her right now!’

But you don’t, do you?

Most of us have never had a thought like that in our lives.

You might instead see her and think ‘shit, she’s alone, is she okay?’

Or you might approach her and ask her if she’s safe, and where her friends are. You might ring an ambulance or police if needed. You might help her back to somewhere safe like a taxi rank or a bar where her friends were.

That’s because you made a CHOICE.

100 people could walk past her and the majority would see all of her so-called ‘vulnerabilities’ and either try to help her or not stop at all.

And yet a handful may stop and make a choice to harm her, rape her, rob her or kill her.

Her ‘vulnerabilities’ had nothing to do with it. It is all about the active choice making of the offender.

It is ALWAYS the choice of the offender.

Vulnerability of women is just a myth used to distract us from the real cause of male violence: men.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

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Misogyny in the family courts

Dr Jessica Taylor

21/09/2020

Everyone who works with women who have been subjected to domestic abuse, or children who have been subjected to sexual abuse, will know how volatile, unpredictable and misogynistic our family court system can be.

I am going to use this space to explore some of the most common narratives and problems that arise for women and girls in the family courts, and I encourage all professionals working in this field to consider what will be presented here. It won’t be comfortable reading, and I fully expect people to try to tell me that these cases aren’t real, and this isn’t happening.

Each year, thousands of women write to me about their terrifying experiences of the family court system. Despite every woman being an individual, and residing everywhere from Essex to Sydney, the story is the same.

And if I have learned anything from working with and for women in need in the last ten years, it’s to watch out for patterns, especially when they span countries, languages and cultures.

As it happens, the way women and girls are pathologised in the family court systems is one of those patterns, and one that worries me greatly. I am, thankfully, not the only person to notice this or to be fighting against this, and recently the UK family court system has been lobbied to commit to reform and exploration of its practices. Campaigns by feminist activists such as #thecourtsaid have repeatedly highlighted the dangerous and abusive decisions of the family courts.

In this blog, I will highlight the most common issues that women are facing and how they are used to create an adversarial, misogynistic system that disbelieves, gaslights and destroys women step by step.

Believe me when I say that this is starting to look like a blueprint. I have been talking with women from around the world recently, and their cases are almost identical. The tactics and language used are the same. The injustices are the same and the risks to children are the same.

I hope by writing this, that more women will become aware of how common this is, and process the trauma, guilt and blame of these distressing court cases.

Women who report abuse are quickly reframed as crazy, jealous exes

Every single report I have read so far has either directly or indirectly described mum as emotionally unstable, jealous of new partners, delusional or has issues with the ex that they seem to be taking out by manipulating the court process or by coaching their children.

Reports seem to read that when women start new relationships after divorce or relationship breakdown, they are unstable and promiscuous, but when the male ex starts a new relationship, it’s taken as evidence that he is stable and settled down.

Often, women face an assumption that they are in the family court system because they are angry that their abusive ex has a new partner. Every woman I’ve spoken with so far has barely even mentioned the new partner, and indeed in some cases, I couldn’t even tell you if there was one. And yet, the way they are being portrayed is that they can’t let go of their ex, and that the court case is a waste of everyone’s time, because she cannot accept the end of the relationship.

What is interesting about this, is that in all of the cases I have discussed this year with women, the woman actually ended the relationship and left due to abuse. Some went to refuges, some went to family, some found other accommodation. All of them left because they realised they were being abused, or because their children disclosed sexual abuse.

None of them want to be with their ex, but it’s amazing how credible male ex boyfriends and husbands seem to be, when they accuse the woman of being ‘jealous’ that he’s moved on. Mud sticks, and professionals around her soon begin to make comments or write reports which include these inaccurate assumptions. This is particularly dangerous where children have disclosed abuse, and then the family court hearings become more and more focused on mum’s ‘agenda’ and ‘motivation’ instead of what the children have said.

No one seems to be taking young girls seriously when they disclose sexual abuse

The way that young girls are being dismissed by professionals ranging from social workers to paediatricians is worrying me greatly, and is the motivation behind this blog post.

The first thing that seems to happen is that the girl discloses randomly, during play or non-related conversation about something that a (usually) male family member has done to her.

Language is usually infantile and mixed up. This is completely normal. The girl describes the abuse in a way that would be clear to any experienced professional that there is something seriously wrong.

Examples include:

⁃ Daddy pokes me in my privates and my bum

⁃ Daddy checks my vagina all the time

⁃ Daddy takes pictures of my bum

⁃ I don’t like it when the yoghurt comes out of dad’s wee thing

As you can see, these real examples clearly show that the child is not coached or influenced. Some children draw pictures of their abuse or of male genitals. Some children write stories or poems about abuse and rape.

In addition to these clear signs of abuse, we also see girls with injuries and genital irritation such as scratches, marks, itching, soreness and spots. Even when this is happening, mothers are being told that it’s normal and that there is no need for tests or examinations.

This completely ignores all of our evidence base in child sexual abuse, which clearly states that these disclosures plus any kind of physical symptoms in small children are clear signs of sexual abuse.

So why are these signs and disclosures from girls being ignored in the family courts? Why are professionals suggesting that girls are making this up, or don’t know what they are talking about? Why are we so sure that she isn’t being abused, that we will continue contact with sexually abusive parents and ignore her disclosures?

This is the opposite of all of our safeguarding evidence and policies. What is the point of having these policies and child safeguarding legislation if we then ignore it during hearings and investigations?

Character assassination is par for the course; and no one seems to care

Reports and hearings often become obsessed with the character assassination of the mother – and become less and less focussed on the well-being and disclosures of the children.

This is something I’ve noticed more and more over the last few years, and now seems commonplace.

Even where children have disclosed and reported to the police, the reports become about the fact that mum was abused as a child or is on benefits. It has absolutely nothing to do with the abuse of the children, any yet the mum of the children finds herself defending her life choices, childhood, personality and background whilst trying to get everyone to re-focus on the disclosures made by the children.

When this happens, the hearings start to become an adversarial process about which parent is ‘telling the truth’, and which is ‘credible’ – rather than addressing the fact that a child has repeatedly described sexual abuse.

There’s a lot of dodgy psychiatry and psychology going on, with no real process to challenge poor practice

It concerns me how many women are diagnosed or labelled with disorders and psychiatric conditions after meeting a psychologist for 2 hours during an assessment. I have read several reports in which women have been labelled, accused and diagnosed after one short interview, whilst they were under severe stress and worrying about their child being abused.

Despite this, these reports are taken seriously and can be used to make important decisions.

As an example, one woman had reported that her child was disclosing abuse by dad, and so they were all assessed. On the psychometrics and assessment, the mum and dad scored the same, but mum was diagnosed and labelled, whereas dad received a glowing report. Interestingly, I noticed that on one subscale created to detect social desirable responding (where people ‘fake good’), the Dad (who was accused of sexually abusing children) scored much higher than the mum, but mum was accused of faking good with the psychologist and Dad was described as friendly and stable.

It was as if the scales were being completely ignored whilst the psychologist wrote a biased report based purely on their own opinion. When this was challenged, mum was accused of being delusional and emotionally unstable. The more mum protested, the more it was used against her to ‘prove’ she was unstable.

In short, mum was trapped. The more she criticised the report, the more she was pathologised using shitty psychology and psychiatry.

This example seems to be common, and I’ve come across similar cases over and over again. It worries me how little time is used to ‘assess’ the family, and the kind of comments that seem to be acceptable.

I’ve read some reports that are nothing short of libel, based on absolutely nothing and are difficult to get overturned or corrected. Conversely, I’ve read reports about Dad, whom the child has disclosed is sexually abusing them, in which they are described as nothing short of a saint among men. It’s very disconcerting reading the reports about a family, in which a fellow professional has written such a biased report, and the disclosures of the child have been almost completely dismissed.

Further, judges have been found to make awful comments, including one who argued that a woman whose daughter had disclosed repeated sexual abuse by her dad, was accused over being overprotective of her daughter because she had historical miscarriages over a decade earlier.

It raises the question of who regulates and manages these hearings and processes, and what rights do women have to challenge and change inaccurate, misogynistic and biased comments, judgments and reports.

Parental alienation seems to be the trump card for abusive men

Not just confined to the depths of MRA twitter and Facebook groups, parental alienation is now being used frequently in cases where children have disclosed abuse.

Even in cases where children have clearly described sexual abuse by dad, the dad is able to argue that the mother is committed parental alienation by stopping the child from seeing him.

This is extremely problematic, especially as most people would agree that if a child has disclosed sexual abuse, the safest thing we can do is keep the child away from the potential abuser to instantly reduce the risk to the child. However, I have now spoken to several women who have been threatened with action, or accused of parental alienation, for stating that they will not allow their children to have unsupervised contact with a parent who the child is saying, has sexually assaulted or raped them.

Most of the women I spoke to were terrified of the accusation of parental alienation, and in cases where this had been used against mum, it often worked – and Dad was granted access even when the child was disclosing sexual assaults.

It is clear that real parental alienation does happen in some cases – but choosing to stop contact when a child spontaneously discloses serious sexual abuse is surely common sense, and not an act of parental alienation.

One woman I spoke to was threatened by a judge that if she didn’t support contact with her ex husband, (who had convictions for DV and the child was reporting had sexually abused her), that he would award full custody to Dad as a way to punish/control her.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, either.

Something is seriously wrong with our system.

Evidence is not being gathered correctly or quickly enough when children are at risk from abuse

As if there were not enough issues already, one of the things that has really started to worry me over the last few years is how long children are being left after a series of serious disclosures without any interviews, examinations or referrals.

We already know that on average, children disclose 7 times before someone takes it seriously (according to an NSPCC, 2014 study).

However, I keep coming across cases in which children have disclosed sexual abuse and have even told adults that their genitals hurt – and no one has seen them for weeks, sometimes over a month.

Further than that, some children who disclose recent rape or sexual abuse have not been referred for tests or examination for several weeks, sometimes as long as two months, by which time all DNA evidence would be gone, and some injuries would arguably have healed.

This is counter to all of our knowledge and practice wisdom in child sexual abuse, and yet, it seems common when it comes to family court cases.

I have also come across poor practice in which children have disclosed serious sexual abuse, and the way we have dealt with it is to send uniformed officers into their houses, or taken children to police station evidence suites where the child has instantly stopped talking and has refused to speak about anything.

Rather than us acknowledging that our process has scared the child, we have then suggested that the child has not been abused or there is ‘no evidence’.

Even where parents have attempted to record their child’s disclosures in the moment, evidence is being ignored. Professionals are telling mums that they cannot do anything to protect children as young as 3 years old unless the child gives a full and specific disclosure of the sexual offences, which is also incorrect and does not align with safeguarding practice.

Decades of research evidence is being totally ignored

What this all amounts to, is that thousands of papers, reports and theories are being actively ignored in cases where women and girls disclose abuse.

Whether it’s evidence and theories about how to support children to disclose, or evidence based lists of symptoms and signs of sexual abuse – so much is being ignored.

Research clearly gives us lists of things to look out for in children who might be being sexually abused, and despite many of these signs being present in these cases, children are being ignored. Research also defines the different ways in which small children attempt to disclose abuse that they don’t understand, which ranges from verbal disclosures through to behavioural disclosures – and yet I have never read a report which includes this evidence base.

Research on offenders seems to be being ignored too. Men with previous convictions for sexual abuse or accessing child sexual abuse imagery have been given unsupervised access to children because professionals have argued that his own children are not at risk.

An example of this from around 2015 includes a man who had several convictions for sexual abuse of children online, and accessing child abuse imagery. A social worker approached me for advice because she was so concerned about his three children. Safeguarding concerns had been raised about the three small children, the youngest of which was 2 years old. Dad was known to download and hoard sexually abusive images of infants.

It baffled the social worker that the judge had argued that Dad was not a risk to his own children, but only to children on the Internet!

The judge had suggested that the children have locks on their bedroom doors and be given education about keeping themselves safe. Dad was given unsupervised access to the children.

I do think, having written this story out, that you need literally zero knowledge of safeguarding or sex offender research to know that this was a stupid decision which put the children at significant risk of sexual offences.

What is the point of academics, students. authorities and professionals conducting decades of research if we ignore all of it in real world application?

Final thoughts

I’m sorry that this blog is so negative and so concerning. I acknowledge that many professionals will feel wholly uncomfortable with such a critical view of family court systems around the world. It is not to say that all cases are like the ones discussed here, but it is my opinion that even one case this poor is a failure to protect children from abuse. One case is too many cases.

It is not acceptable for anyone to respond to this blog by suggesting that these cases are worst case scenarios, rare and therefore irrelevant. I am not hugely involved in this field (I am not a caseholder, I am not a lawyer, I am not a social worker), and yet I can give hundreds of real examples of this kind of practice towards women and girls in the family courts.

I wrote this blog for one main reason:

Women need to know that their case was not a one-off. They need to know that they are not to blame, and that they are one of thousands of women who have been labelled and gaslit in the family court system. So many women contact me to talk about their cases and experiences, and they have no idea that this happens to other women, too.

We need to raise awareness of the way women and girls are being treated – and then we need to work together to reform the family courts.

Dr Jessica Taylor

Why grooming is so hard to spot: The truth

Why grooming is so hard to spot: The truth

Dr Jessica Taylor

30 June 2020

Disclaimer: I give permission for this article to be used in training courses and education, as long as my name is clearly referenced as the author. This article contains important information that can be used to influence practice, so please do use it where you can.

Content Warning: Contains discussion of grooming techniques and tactics

Over the past 10 years or so, there has been increasing interest in teaching children and women to ‘spot the signs’ of grooming. This article will explain why this approach doesn’t work, and why grooming should be reframed as a common, normal human behaviour that we all engage in.

I know, sounds horrible doesn’t it?

But if you take the time to read this article, you will see grooming in a completely different way, not only in your own life but in the lives of others you care about or work with.

My key points will be:

1. We have defined ‘grooming’ to be too narrow

2. Grooming happens constantly, to all of us, and by all of us

3. Professionals are expert groomers

4. Victims of abuse need to know that grooming is common and constant

5. Grooming is hard to ‘spot’ because we are all socialised to accept grooming in everyday life – it is unfair to expect women and children to be able to do this

Okay. Let’s get into this.

1. We have defined ‘grooming’ to be too narrow

When I say ‘grooming’, I know what image that conjures up for most people. They think, sexual abuse. They think CSE. They think gangs of men abusing girls. They think of kids being groomed online. They think of women being manipulated into abuse.

When I say ‘grooming’, they think of a slow, careful, manipulative process in which a sex offender learns more and more about their victim, builds a relationship with them, asks them questions and then sexually abuses or attacks them.

The Oxford Dictionary defines grooming as ‘the action by a paedophile of preparing a child for a meeting, especially via an Internet chat room, with the intention of committing a sexual offence.’

The NSPCC defines it as, ‘when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. Children and young people who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited or trafficked.’

The truth is, these narrow stereotypes of grooming are blinding us all from seeing the reality of how broad grooming really is.

Grooming is not specific to sexual offences at all. It’s not even specific to crime.

You can be groomed into a cult.

You can be groomed into terrorism.

You can be groomed into political ideology.

You can be groomed into domestic abuse.

You can be groomed into bullying culture.

You can be groomed into taking drugs or drinking.

You can be groomed into religion.

You can be groomed into changing your worldview or believing conspiracy theories.

You can be groomed into thinking you are mentally ill.

You can be groomed into eating disorders and body dysmorphia.

You can be groomed into hating yourself.

You can be groomed to be racist, homophobic, misogynistic or xenophobic.

As you can see, the process of grooming is about the manipulation, persuasion and control of humans. It is not specific to sexual offences at all.

By narrowly defining it, we have put our own blinkers on. We ignore the way grooming is utilised all around us. We then start to believe that grooming only happens to the most vulnerable, and that we can teach them how to spot the signs and how to stop it happening to them. But it rarely works.

2. Grooming happens constantly, to all of us, and by all of us

Some of you may be surprised to learn that you have been groomed. Statistically, many of us have been abused, so we will have been groomed by an abuser. However, the rest of us have been groomed in other ways that we have not noticed or understood.

Further, most of us have groomed another person into doing something we wanted them to do.

To understand why grooming is so hard to spot, you have to take a huge step back and look at grooming in society on a daily basis. As I go through this section, try to reframe your definition of grooming using my definition:

‘Something that someone does to someone else to convince, persuade, manipulate or control them into doing something that they want them to do (either positively or negatively).’

Grooming has been used to manipulate you every single day since you were born. You were groomed into behaving and thinking the way you do. Your social norms, beliefs, attitudes and world views were all given to you by adults with an agenda. Your parents, carers and families taught you their beliefs and behaviours. They taught you they were normal. Even if they weren’t.

Then you went to nursery or school, where the staff team groomed you into some very strange human behaviours such as going into a building where all children are dressed exactly the same way as you, sitting on the floor in silence, sitting with your legs crossed for no reason, putting your finger on your lips to show you are quiet, putting your hand up before speaking, responding to bells and buzzers to move or eat or take a break.

None of these are normal, natural human behaviours. We did not evolve to respond to bells or buzzers. We did not evolve to sit cross legged with 29 other kids dressed in the same clothes, with fingers on our lips, listening to one person explain punctuation marks. We do not actually have to raise our hand before we can physically speak. You don’t actually have to ask for permission to go to the toilet, you could have just stood up and walked out when they refused you permission to go to pee or change your sanitary pad. But you didn’t, did you?

None of these ‘rules’ are real.

They are norms, beliefs and behaviours that we are groomed to accept and take part in, using positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement.

You were groomed for your entire childhood, by everyone around you. No one escaped this process.

You are groomed into buying things you don’t even need by marketing, advertisements and product placement. You are groomed into wanting to look a certain way by fashion and pop culture. You are groomed into dieting at certain times of the year. You are groomed into buying certain stereotypical products at certain times of the year or for certain special days. You are groomed into believing that you can become rich and successful if you just ‘work harder’. You are groomed to believe that governments, authorities and big companies care about you and your family. You are groomed into upgrading your mobile phone when there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

There is constant pressure to groom you in society – to market, to profit, to manipulate, to control, to silence, to persuade, to abuse you.

This is why you can’t spot the signs of grooming. Because it is happening to you 24/7. Because society is built on grooming and groomers.

Even you have groomed someone, at some point. If you have kids, you’ve definitely done a lot of grooming. If you are religious and encourage others to believe in your faith, you’ve groomed people. If you ever persuaded someone to do something you wanted them to do (positive or negative), you groomed them. If you have sold products to people that they didn’t really need, you groomed them. If you ever convinced someone to join a club, go to do something, change something about themselves or engage in something new, you groomed them to do so.

Grooming is a common human behaviour. It is not only sex offenders who can build a rapport, persuade, manipulate and coerce someone into doing something. Most of us are capable of it. Most of us do it every day.

If you’re in a long term relationship (or have been), consider what you did or what your partner did to ‘groom’ you.

Did they buy you gifts? Flatter you? Pay attention to you? Ask you questions about yourself? Tell you that you are special? Tell you that they would never want anyone else? Did they listen to you and centre you? Did they sacrifice things for you? Did they help you or were they there for you at times of trouble? Did they tell you they would never hurt you?

Yes, they did.

Did you do any of these things as part of your relationship building?

Yes. Of course you did.

You both successfully convinced another human that you are their best option as a partner, and that you are trustworthy, safe, loving and that the relationship is worth investing in, exclusively.

3. Professionals are expert groomers

It’s not just us who are capable of grooming and need to acknowledge what we do and why it’s so difficult to spot.

Professionals are expert groomers.

(Note: Whenever I say this in a speech or in training, professionals look with absolute horror and disgust at me. A couple have walked out. Some people sit with their arms crossed, glaring at me. This concept makes everyone uncomfortable. I’m aware of that. Keep reading.)

Social workers, police officers, counsellors, psychologists, care staff, teachers etc.

We are all expert groomers. We literally go to work to groom humans into doing things we want them to do. The social worker grooms families into doing something. The police officer grooms victims into doing something. The counsellor grooms their client into trusting them to disclose their worries. The care staff groom the child or adult into letting them bathe them, care for them and live with them.

Professionals are skilled manipulators. We call it ‘building rapport’. All professionals who I know, call it by that name.

They say ‘Well, we firstly focus on ‘building rapport because none of this works if you don’t have good rapport with the person.’

And I say, ‘How do you do that?’

They reply, ‘We build their trust in us. We ask them questions about themselves, find out about them. We tell them we are here to help them. We remind them that we care about them. We tell them they can trust us. We offer them help when they need it most. We build their self esteem by paying them compliments and using positive reinforcement. We take them places they like to go. We treat the kids to Macdonald’s…’

And at that point I say, ‘So, you groom them, then?’

To which I usually get either a nervous laugh or a look of utter horror.

I spend significant amounts of my time showing professionals and leaders that their ‘rapport building’ process is the same process that a perpetrator uses to abuse and groom victims. All of those things that professionals tell me they do to ‘build rapport’ are used to ‘groom’ victims into abuse, rape, trafficking, exploitation, extremism, bullying, racism, cults, belief systems. It’s all the same shit.

I’ve spoken to professionals who also accept that they manipulate families into doing things that they don’t want to do (for example, pressuring victims to engage in a criminal prosecution process or threatening action if a mum doesn’t report her husband for domestic abuse).

These are all forms of grooming.

Why is it important for professionals to acknowledge what they are doing?

Because we trigger our clients. We mirror the perps. We make our clients feel unsafe. We cause them to back away from us.

And then we flip it on them, and say ‘they are too hard to work with’ or ‘they won’t engage’ or ‘they won’t trust any of us’.

Sound familiar, fellow professionals?

Of course it does, this is par for the course. Professionals moaning that their ‘rapport building’ didn’t work, or that they have spent months ‘building rapport’ with a child or family and they still won’t disclose or report.

Like that’s a bad thing.

The truth is, lots of victims of grooming and abuse begin to feel unsafe when professionals use similar tactics to ‘build rapport’ with them. They trigger, they disengage, but they don’t know why.

They might say things like, ‘What’s in it for you? Why are you being so nice to me? Why do you keep pretending you care about us? What do you get out of this?’

This is actually massive progress for that person. They can feel you grooming them. They don’t like it. They are questioning your motives and agenda. They are wondering why you are putting so much effort into building rapport with them.

I teach professionals that you should start to see this as positive. This is a person beginning to process what grooming feels like – and beginning to critically analyse grooming behaviours. They don’t trust you, because you mirror the abuser. They haven’t figured that out yet, because grooming is so socially embedded and normalised, that they will rarely pinpoint exactly what is making them uncomfortable. But that’s what is happening there. The brain remembers the feeling. Remembers the betrayal and the manipulation.

Which brings me to my next point.

4. Victims of abuse need to know that grooming is common and constant

No matter who they are, or what age they are, people who have been subjected to any form of abuse or oppression – need to know what I’ve just taught you about grooming in society.

They need to know that they are subjected to grooming at all levels of society, at all times, by all people. They need to understand that grooming makes the world go round.

Why?

I have one main reason for arguing this point:

Because it reduces self-blame.

You see, we have created a disgusting narrative that victims of abuse ‘should have seen the signs’. We create national campaigns and we issue guidance about ‘how to spot the signs of grooming’. We do this, even to 5 year old kids.

We create ‘programmes of work’ with children, adolescents and adult victims about ‘keeping themselves safe by learning to spot the signs of grooming and exiting the abuse’.

What a load of shit.

How is this possible in a world in which grooming is a 24/7 experience?

It causes feelings of self blame, because in effect, we are blaming victims for not spotting the signs of grooming and not ‘protecting themselves’ from it.

Many victims of abuse question themselves and ask, ‘How didn’t I spot it? Why didn’t I know? How could I be so stupid?’

You’re not stupid, you’re normal.

Not even professionals can spot groomers. Not even the police. None of us can. We miss millions of them every year, even when the evidence is staring us in the face.

Professionals are no better at spotting the signs of grooming than the general public are, hence why professionals are just as likely to be in abusive relationships as anyone else. They are literally going to work, telling victims to ‘spot the signs’ and then going home to an abusive partner who subjects them to abuse every day and they can’t see it themselves. That’s normal.

We have professionals within our own teams who are abusing clients – and can we see it? Nope. When it comes out we all say, ‘Oh my word! What a shock. We would never have suspected them!’

Uhuh, so we can’t spot it, but we think 10 year old Kacy can, if she just does this worksheet and watches this video. Got it.

Further, even if you can see that you are being groomed, that doesn’t mean you have the power to escape, does it?

We have to have this conversation with everyone, because people need to know that it was never their fault that they couldn’t ‘spot the signs’ of grooming. No one can. It’s a myth.

5. Grooming is hard to ‘spot’ because we are all socialised to accept grooming in everyday life – it is unfair to expect children and women to be able to do this

My final point is about the huge injustice in expecting people (mainly women and children) to be able to spot the signs of grooming and then exit that process as if there is no power dynamic.

As this article has shown, grooming is embedded into the fabric of society. It’s not just common, it’s integral to several systems of control, marketing and authority.

We are all groomed to do things (things we might want, and things we might not want). We are groomed to do things that are not in our best interests. We are groomed to spend our money on things we don’t need. We are groomed into relationships. We are groomed into power structures. We are groomed into belief systems and world views. We are groomed into behaviours and norms that make no sense or have no purpose.

It is wholly unfair to expect anyone to be able to spot grooming for abuse, when it simply mirrors every other grooming process in the world.

We are placing standards on to people that we can’t even live up to. I can’t spot the signs of abusers in my life and I’ve been doing this for 11 years. Anyone who claims to be able to ‘spot an offender’ is a liar, and has a dangerous level of self-confidence.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve have feelings about some perps and I turned out to be right, but there is no way it was anything more than chance. Statistically, we are all surrounded by abusers. We probably each know 10-20 abusers. You’ll probably never know who most of them are.

Every time I’ve got one right, I’ve probably missed others. That why I try to educate as many people as possible about the realities of grooming, and the myth that we can spot the signs.

And if we can’t spot the signs, why are we going into schools telling children to spot the signs? Why are we telling women and girls to spot the signs of a rapist or abuser? Why are we ‘teaching’ kids that that should have spotted the signs?

We should never expect victims of abuse and grooming to know what is happening to them, or expect them to be able to escape.

I believe that what I am saying about grooming should be taught and shared everywhere. We need to change the conversation about grooming – and look at it as a huge social behaviour that is exploited and used by many types of abusers and manipulators. Narrowly defining it as grooming kids online for sexual abuse is missing the point by a country mile. We can’t tackle something if we can’t even see the scale of it.

If you have any questions about this article, give me a shout.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

Tweet: @DrJessTaylor

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JessicaForenPsych

Buy my books: victimfocus-resources.com

Visit my website: victimfocus.org.uk

Email: jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Disclaimer: I give permission for this article to be used in training courses and education, as long as my name is clearly referenced as the author. This article contains important information that can be used to influence practice, so please do use it where you can.

To my radical feminist sisters

To my radical feminist sisters around the world,

I am writing this open letter to all of you to uplift you and to remind you of your strength. Our strength.

Dale Spender wrote in 1986 that with every wave of feminism, comes a backlash of misogyny. The first wave feminists who were killed, tortured, abused, humiliated, force fed and beaten, changed the world for women, forever. As their power grew, the backlash grew.

As women found each other, loved each other and stood together, men in the patriarchy created disgusting, ugly public caricatures of them as witches, barren, old, haggard and hated. The point of this strategy was two-fold: to break their spirits and to hold them up as an example to the other women – of what would happen to them if they dared to join the suffragettes. Women pushed on. They fought for us. They gained our voting rights and property rights. They did this at huge personal cost, and at the time, they were hated viscerally and openly.

In the second wave of radical feminism in the 1960s onwards, women joined arms once again. The second wavers, many of which are still here with us (love and respect to you all, we owe you incredible amounts), progressed and achieved more than we realise. Our second wave sisters gave us rape support centres, domestic violence refuges, women’s shelters, single sex spaces, equality law, changes in divorce and custody law, feminist consciousness raising, feminist groups and contraception. Women in the second wave threw light on the way women were being discriminated against in every aspect of their personal and public lives. They continued the work of the first wave, by publicly and intelligently criticising and challenging the male establishment. They did this despite constant portrayals as man-hating, controlling, abusive, ugly, childless lesbians.

As you can probably see, there is a pattern forming here.

Our current feminism is not much different. The old stereotypes of us are still raging on from 100 years ago. Men still mock us for being feminists and concerned with women’s rights. The memes look exactly like the old suffragette postcards. Shit has not changed one fuckin bit.

We have again made massive strides, although we are more divided these days. As radical feminists, our purpose is to remain dedicated to the liberation of all women and girls from oppression around the world. This means rejecting white, upper class feminism which confines feminism to big words and protected bookshelves of academics and philosophers. It means debating with and often disagreeing with, liberal feminism. It means calling out misogyny within feminism, and misogyny that parades as feminism. Over time, uneducated onlookers have become annoyed and confused. Women are expected to club together and be homogenous. The fact that our feminism differs so much is the source of much amusement to men who don’t understand a jot of feminism. Of course, women are all so simple, that we must all agree.

This also means that we need to stand our ground as the next wave of misogyny hits us and attempts to push us back. Feminism is taking a real battering at the moment. Women who comply with the abuse and ridicule of feminists are rewarded with temporary protection from misogyny. People who publicly attack women are congratulated and awarded.

With every wave of feminism, there is a wave of woman-hate. We are more powerful than we have ever been, we are more connected than we have ever been, more educated than we have ever been and better resourced than ever.

The backlash and the upsurge of misogyny is heavy because we are making such collective progress. Women have platforms. We are talking about rape, domestic abuse, child sexual exploitation, trafficking, femicide, FGM, harassment, pay gaps, rights, and gender role stereotypes. Society is listening. Society is watching. 

Every time we speak out, write a blog, make a video or sit on a panel, we influence another woman or girl to realise the strength she really has. The power she really has. Don’t ever underestimate the power of your influence as a strong female role model. Whatever position you take up as a radical feminist role model, you will change so many lives.

The misogyny will continue to hit us because we continue to push forward. We have bigger platforms than we have ever had. This means thousands of men have access to us, and can abuse us with ease. It is clear from the violence and abuse we are subjected to online, that the crimes committed against all of us every single day; are being ignored. Many of us are told that the abuse we are subjected to is simply a consequence of being ‘in the public eye’ or ‘having radical feminist views’.

It’s frankly amazing how people have conceptualised radical feminism over the years. We’ve been branded as the crazies. Likened to genocidal dictators, murderers and serial paedophiles. The character assassination continues. We scare them because we stand firm and because we are not ashamed of our commitment to women and girls’ rights.

It paints a bleak picture. Or does it?

Are you not surrounded by radical feminists? Are you not able to read this blog? Are you not able to meet with your sisters online?

Do you see the activism around you? The lobbying and arguing and campaigning and world-changing?

Every woman has the power to make a change, whether that is small or huge. We must continue to talk to girls about radical feminism, and the incredible progress we have made since our first wave sisters stuck their necks out. Don’t allow radical feminism to become a dirty phrase again. Don’t succumb to pressure. 

Do not throw women under the bus because it protects you for a little longer. Do not stay silent whilst your sisters around the world are oppressed and murdered. Do not laugh along as men abuse and oppress women, thinking, ‘That will never be me.’

Use your strength. Use your resources. Platform women and girls. Protect them, support them, influence them and inspire them. Be the woman you needed to look up to as a girl.

Radical feminists are hated for two reasons:

  1. We unapologetically centre women and girls in our feminism, and we have no interest in bending to the pressure of patriarchal values or norms
  2. We are women

That’s pretty much it. People will come up with many different bullshit reasons why we are such disgusting women, but every one of them smacks of the same shit thrown at our first wave and second wave sisters. Stop feeding into it. See it for what it is. It’s recycled misogyny from 100 years ago because they can’t think of anything else to say or do to us.

This is about collectively and individually reframing us as the old, haggard, witches, bitches, mad, hysterical, evil, childless lesbians who hate men and want them all to die. They have nothing else left. They personally attack us because they have nothing else.

This is what happens when women attempt to do something for each other – men are so entitled and so accustomed to being centred, that they cannot handle being sidelined for a bit whilst we focus on the oppression of women and girls. See it as nothing more than a tantrum. Whataboutery in all its pathetic beige, beardy, boring, repetitive ‘glory’.

Women can hate us too. I see them. I see them often. The ‘egalitarians’ who hate feminism. The ‘feminists’ who tell us to go kill ourselves, die in a fire or call for our resignations. The women who internalise misogyny, use it against themselves whilst attacking other women for the oppression they are subjected to. The women who rush to the aid of the NAMALT crew. It really is incredulous that those women would use all of the rights, powers, voices and platforms that they have because radical feminists gave it to them over the last 100 years – to bully and abuse radical feminists. Irony doesn’t even touch the sides of that one.

The deeper irony being, that we will all keep fighting for their rights, even if they hate us. Even if those women say they don’t need feminism. Even if they say they hate feminism. Even if they say they don’t want those rights. Even if we disagree with them. We have been protecting women and girls (even the ones we don’t like) for decades.

I know how hard it is right now. I see so many of you struggling, giving up, getting tired and being abused. I see you trying to thicken your skin to face another day talking about the most basic shit, because you know you will have another day of abuse and threats. I see society get more and more misogynistic every day. I watch as some of the world’s biggest abusers and misogynists run our countries, royalty and governments.

My sisters, you are the force that the world needs right now. Every time you take a stand, you do something brilliant. You are a raging fire.

Women’s anger is pathologised because it is so powerful. We do not use our power to commit millions of murders and rapes each year. We do not use our power for worldwide warfare and genocide. We do not use it to dick-measure with our nuclear weapons. We do not use it to exploit developing countries. We use it to change the world. We use it to challenge the system. We use it to support other women. We use it to relentlessly defend our human rights. We use it to write essays and blogs that start debates and conversations. We set up conferences and groups. We create charities and grassroots projects.

We are the powerhouse that the world ignores but always expects us to be there to look after the kids and clean up after the men.

I want to remind you that the shit being thrown at us is disgusting, violent and abusive because it has a purpose: to silence and intimidate the most powerful female voices we have.

What people seem to forget is that within our radical feminism, we are made up of some of the strongest women in the world. We are refugees and asylum seekers, we are single mothers, we are trafficking survivors, we are women fighting cancer, we are women who have been beaten, raped, abused, strangled, tortured, imprisoned and discriminated against. We are ex-sex workers and women who have escaped prostitution. We are lesbians. We are activists, we are lawyers, we are academics, we are police officers, we are social workers, we are politicians, we are writers and performers, we are business owners and consumers. We are politically and economically active. We are voters. We have all lived through shit that people cannot even begin to imagine. We are living, breathing and dying in this feminism.

They cannot extinguish the fire we have set alight. The only reason they seek to weaken us, is because they recognise our power.

Now, you need to recognise your power, too.

Get back up, focus on your feminism and your love of women and girls, and get back to work. There is so much to do. Do not allow the accusations of hatred and abuse blur your vision. We know we don’t hate minority groups. We know we do not engage in transphobia. We know we don’t abuse and hate those who are different to us. We know we do not align with or support right wing, racist, homophobic groups who proclaim to be feminists and radical thinkers. These accusations are set ups. Deliberate conflations to encourage the hatred of feminists.

Radical feminism is the liberation of women and girls from the global oppression that is the patriarchy. Gender role stereotypes have oppressed and harmed us for so long. We have been minimised, ignored, gaslit, abused, attacked and silenced for so long. Yet, we are still here running the rape centres, the shelters, the helplines, the support groups, the women’s services, the households, the families, the communities and the female-led companies.

But we will keep going.

Millions of women and girls rely upon the work we do, whether we do it silently, covertly or publicly and loudly.

In sisterhood,

Dr Jessica Taylor

Psychologist

VictimFocus 

Email: Jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Website: www.victimfocus.org.uk

Tweet: @DrJessTaylor

Fbook: www.facebook.com/JessicaForenPsych