30 things I’ve learned in 30 years

Dr Jessica Taylor

This is a personal blog post to mark my 30th birthday. I have been thinking about a way to write about reaching this milestone for months. 30 has simultaneously scared and empowered me. I have lived through so much that at times, I wouldn’t have believed I would be able to get to 30, or even want to get to 30.

However, I am here (somehow) and I want to share some of the things I’ve learned and some of the values I live by.

I hope to look back on this one day and see if I change in the next decade or two. I also hope some of this helps others. I feel I’ve learned an immense amount about myself so far, and expect that to continue for the rest of my life.

Here are my ‘30 things I’ve learned in 30 years’.

1. Popularity is a distraction from purpose

This one has been a slow lesson, but properly hit home when I was about 26 and I’ve never been able to ignore it since. There were so many times as I grew up, through my adolescence and then particularly through my twenties when I was trying to do something or achieve something – but it was making me unpopular. Society pins popularity as one of the most important things we can achieve, so it becomes really scary when we realise we are not popular. We might even be threatened with our popularity (no one will like you/we won’t be your friend/we will unfollow you).

I’ve been in these positions many times. Once when I needed to report poor practice in a rape centre. Once when I was trying to protect children from CSE. Once when I reported poor practice in a prison. When I supported radical feminism. When I resigned from my job. When I challenged my university. So. Many. Times.

Popularity is the threat that keeps you quiet and compliant sometimes, and it distracts you from what is really important.

When I was 26, I was directly told by someone senior in local government that I was making myself unpopular by challenging poor practice and that was the first time that I genuinely laughed in that person’s face and said

‘I think you’ve got the wrong woman, mate.’

I then realised the game that was being played against me and I’ve not worried about who likes me and who doesn’t ever since. I’ve got shit to do.

2. Being the underdog is powerful

Ahhhh I used to hate being underestimated. Always underestimated, always predicted to fail. It’s always been that way, since I was a little girl. I spent so many years trying to ‘prove’ myself and to ‘show’ people that I wasn’t stupid, that I wasn’t useless and a waste of space. It took many more years to realise that being the underdog in every process and every situation you’re ever put in is actually brilliant. This only occurred to me in my late twenties.

Being the underdog does mean that people assume you’ll fail, and that might hurt you, but it’s a great place to be.

If everyone is expecting you to fail, they aren’t paying any attention to you. When they aren’t paying attention to you, you can do the things you need to do without them noticing.

It’s also a lot of fun to see people squirm when you succeed, like you knew you would. I haven’t tired of that yet. I hope I never do.

Some people will never see your potential and that’s okay. As long as you can see it, you can carve out your own life and then they can watch you from the sidelines, stood there trying to figure out how you did it. Haha. Brilliant.

3. Authenticity keeps us healthy

This one has been so important to me as the years have passed. There are many things that will happen to you during your life, but if you stay authentic to yourself, you will at least know how you really feel about those things.

It’s so easy to get pulled into being someone you are not. Whether that’s putting up guards that aren’t real or being a pushover when you don’t want to be. Whether that’s faking who you are to fit in, or deliberately isolating yourself when you really want to be the centre of something.

Know thyself.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that to be sure about things in your life, you have to know yourself. Really know yourself. And then you need to honour yourself. If you feel angry, say so. If you feel sad, feel it. If you feel compromised, pay attention. If you think you’re being lied to, you’re probably right. If you have a gut feeling, don’t ignore it. If you believe in something, stand by it.

Don’t bend and change for people. Don’t be a different person to different people. Live authentically, live by your own values and live honestly.

This won’t always feel comfortable or easy. Often it will put you in positions where you’re the only person who won’t toe the line. It might mean you end up the whistleblower over and over again. To the point where you are sick of being authentic.

However, I’ve always felt healthier and more content when I am being completely authentic. Cognitive dissonance makes me feel ill and stressed.

4. Beliefs seem more important than facts but that doesn’t make them right

From childhood I’ve been a stickler for facts, science and the truth. I don’t particularly have much time for what people believe, especially if it’s contrary to fact and truth. I won’t tell people what they can and can’t ‘believe’ but I have no interest in colluding or supporting it when I know it’s not true.

As I’ve aged, this seems to becoming more and more common, in an era that seems vehemently anti-science and anti-reality. Social constructionism has taken over from empiricism and common fuckin sense and this means that I often state facts that people don’t want to hear, or don’t want to believe.

I’ve had to just find some comfort within that strange place, and know that lots of people’s minds can’t be changed with rational argument or facts. My close friend once said to me, ‘you can’t reason someone out of a position they didn’t reason themselves into.’

She will know who she is. The brainbox.

Anyway, what she means is that if someone has arrived at a belief or conclusion which comes from emotion, coercion, manipulation, deception or some other means, you can’t usually use rational reasoning or facts to deconstruct their beliefs – because they aren’t based on facts or reason in the first place.

This has become more and more obvious to me as the years have passed. It’s tiring but it’s something I have learned.

5. Throw yourself in the deep end and see if you swim

This is one of my favourites. I learned this one early on, and I still do it to myself often. I have a real tendency to throw myself into things I am scared of, or don’t know much about – and force myself to learn, experience and to listen.

This might be anything from a new topic I know nothing about, to a new job or idea that seems huge and impossible.

I’ve not sunk yet.

6. Never show your hand to people who don’t respect you

I say this to those around me whenever they need a reminder that not everyone who smiles at you is your friend. Don’t reveal your ideas, thoughts, secrets, personal business or work projects to people who don’t respect you. If you’re not sure whether they truly respect you, don’t tell them shit.

You have to keep your cards close to your chest, and protect your ideas, personal life and work.

If someone you barely know, or you are unsure about, keeps asking you about your projects, ideas, writing, personal life etc – steer well clear. You’ll thank me later.

7. People want change until you cause change

Ugh. This one has only really sunk in for me in the last year or so. I’ve been suspecting this to be the case for about 5 years, but now I’m sure of it.

Lots of people (obviously not everyone) demand, ask, need, want, expect change in one way or another.

It’s probably more apparent for me in my job, because I am often commissioned or contracted to undertake work which causes change, improves something or removes something. The point of my work is to make services better for victims of abuse and trauma. However, I have been frankly astonished how many times I’ve done exactly what has been asked of me and then disciplined or criticised for causing the change they said they needed or wanted.

I was once asked to work on a project to improve a service that (by the leadership’s admission) had become dangerous and clients were at risk. I did everything asked of me. I highlighted all of the areas of danger and risk in the practice.

Annnnd then I got threatened.

I was once commissioned to cause serious change in a service which had an issue with victim blaming children subjected to CSE. I caused so much change that eventually I was taken to one side and told that I had motivated the staff ‘too much’ and they were now challenging the management and the poor policies.

I have often concluded that some people who say they want change, don’t actually want systemic change. They want something superficial and quick that they can show off.

8. Never stop learning or reading

Fairly self-explanatory, but this has been a huge part of my life and I hope it always will be. Never get to the point where you think you know all there is to know. Accept that knowledge and wisdom changes, and accept that you can learn from others.

Read as many books and articles as you can. Read them from perspectives you disagree with. I own several books from authors I disagree with on pretty much everything they write, but it won’t stop me from reading it.

As an example, I have a book by a man who basically thinks that women who are raped are the most privileged and protected class of people on earth and that the most oppressed group is rich white men. The book is drivel, but it was so interesting seeing how he argued it and what on Earth he was citing!

(Note: turns out, he was citing very little, and some tabloid articles.)

Learning goes beyond reading of course, and I feel strongly that we should never pass up an opportunity to learn no matter how old we get.

I promised myself that I would go back to playing music when I had finished academia and I did. I started piano lessons in September and have loved every moment.

On my list for the future is to learn a new language to a decent standard of conversation and to learn another few instruments.

I have also decided to undertake some other forms of training and education because there are areas of knowledge that I feel I need to learn more about.

I hope I always feel this way about reading and learning.

9. Music is a lifeblood

Every year that passes just cements this one for me. Music is everything to me. I have it on constantly. In the shower. In the car. In the kitchen. While I clean. While I work. When I’m chilling out. In the background when we have people over for drinks/food etc.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t be who I am today without my music collection, and my fascination in the history and context of my favourite genres and styles. I love learning about the meaning and origins of music. I think it has to be one of the greatest achievements of humans.

10. Money is a trap

This one has only occurred to me in the last few years. Having spent my entire youth and younger adult years scraping around to pay the bills, often not actually paying the bills and ending up in serious trouble: all I wanted was to be financially secure.

When I was a kid, I dreamt of having the things I needed. I figured out pretty early on that you needed quite a lot of money to live comfortably. I think there is a message we give that you can live comfortably and healthily on minimum wage or low paid jobs as long as you work hard enough – and it just isn’t true.

I knew that wasn’t true as one of 6 kids.

However, whilst this definitely influenced and motivated me to seek employment (I had two part time jobs at 15 years old – one in a pub and one in a restaurant) it also led me into a trap.

The thing I’ve noticed is that once you have had secure income, you become absolutely terrified of ever losing it again. You never forget what it feels like to be hungry or to be cold or to be in debt, and it scares you to death. You do literally anything you can to keep it. Even working yourself into the ground. Even forsaking your well-being or your family.

That’s why it feels like a trap, to me.

11. Misogyny is relentless

Gah. There are some days where I can’t even face how much the world blatantly hates women and girls. Don’t bother commenting or emailing me your essays about how women and girls are equal. It’s bollocks and I don’t care what you have to say to defend or minimise or deny the global oppression of females.

That’s it. I learned that misogyny is relentless and it hurts. Not all of these lessons are positive.

12. Classism is real and it’s tough

Another negative lesson unfortunately – I had absolutely no idea what classism was until I went to do my PhD. The thing about classism is that you’re kinda insulated from it until you step into an environment where you don’t ‘belong’.

I had no idea what class was. Or how it impacted me. Or what I was. Because I lived in an area and in a family where we were all the same. The definition of rich was someone who had a 12 plate car and had some decent trainers. Or a permanent full time job. We were all the same, we all sounded the same, we all lived the same ways.

It was only when I became surrounded by people from middle and upper middle class in my work and in academia that I really started to feel odd, but I didn’t know why.

Comments about my accent, my tattoos, my childhood, my lifestyle, my communication style, my kids – it came thick and fast but I still couldn’t put my finger on why I was different.

It was only when someone made a specific comment about where I grew up and laughed at me was that I realised that I would never be seen as ‘one of them’, and that I was some sort of… novelty.

13. I learned nothing in high school

I know people say this all the time, flippantly, but I actually didn’t learn a thing. I realised recently that I learned all of my ‘school’ learning from primary and middle school. I went to high school at 14 and learned precisely fuck all from 14-16. All I remember is saying to my friends ‘didn’t we already learn this in middle school?’ and then cramming for exams.

I learned that I was worthless, and that my teachers expected nothing from me and most of my friends. I learned that rules were only applied to kids they didn’t like. I learned that they didn’t respect us but we were supposed to respect them. I learned that grown ups were allowed to bully kids but kids weren’t allowed to bully other kids.

But education? Nothing. Like many kids, I was by that age, a very different kind of learner, and I struggled with bureaucracy and power dynamics. I loved learning but I hated how oppressive and patronising school felt.

It completely put me off sixth form and university – and I left school at the beginning of year 11. I had no interest in ‘education’ like that. And I thought I would never get my love of learning back.

However, I have to thank The OU for giving me my love of learning back, and allowing me to do a degree with no other education.

To be clear, school is not necessarily the same as education, and school is not always conducive to learning for lots of kids. Don’t write them off, they just don’t fit there. Loads of us don’t.

14. The body keeps the score

This one has been a hard, long lesson. One I love and hate. One that keeps cropping up for me.

However, it is one lesson that has changed my life.

I have struggled with health issues since I was 18, and not one doctor could ever put their finger on what was wrong with me.

Most noticeably, I had chest pains that never resolved, lasted 9 years and would double me over in pain. I was admitted to hospital countless times and never got any clarity as to what the pains were. At 27, I decided to invest in some manual physiotherapy from a guy who was highly recommended and in one session, he solved the chest pain. He told me that I had an old injury in my shoulder and spine and that the chest pain was actually referred pain round my ribcage. He told me that when I was super stressed, I held all my tension in my shoulders and neck which caused the years of pain. 6 weeks of treatment and the pain had gone. However, he was absolutely right, and every time I was going through a rough patch, the pains in my neck and back would come back.

Later on, when I realised I was lesbian and I had fallen in love with a woman, I became extremely ill. At the time, there’s no way I would have connected the two issues, and everyone told me it was because I was working too hard.

However, the body has incredible ways of responding to anything from guilt to stress – and my body couldn’t deal with the conflict and the sudden realisation that I was in love with a woman and needed to be openly lesbian. I stopped being able to eat, suffered from malnutrition and it took a long time to get better.

What was nothing short of amazing, was that when I did get to be openly lesbian and with the woman I loved, I started getting better within a couple of weeks. It was so strange.

The bottom line, your body will tell you when there is something wrong. If you aren’t listening to it, it will get worse. Stress and trauma will play out in physical symptoms. Pay attention.

15. Self belief is a super power

There’s a reason people don’t want you to be confident and believe in yourself. Because once you do that, you don’t need permission or support from anyone to do the things you need to do.

Self belief is a super power – you can achieve anything if you believe in yourself and nurture yourself.

It doesn’t matter what others say to you or about you, if you know you are capable of anything. It makes you mentally bulletproof.

Lots of people struggle to understand how and why I’m able to do the things I do, and the answer is simple really: I know I can do them, so I do them.

I’m not scared of failure and I’m not scared of having to adapt or learn, because I believe in myself. That has taken me so far already.

16. Success is the best revenge

All I have to say about this one is HA HA HA.

Nothing pisses off people more than having to watch you do well when they really really don’t want you to do well.

It’s hilarious.

You don’t always have to do anything specific to exact a form of revenge – you can just focus on yourself and your own development and dreams – and know that people who wanted you to fail squirm every time they see you or hear your name.

Once I’d learned this, I stopped getting angry at people who had hurt me and realised that I hurt them by focussing on myself, doing well and ignoring their sorry ass.

17. I’m all in, until I’m all out

I probably learned this one in my early 20s, and has no idea this was part of my character until then.

I always put 100% into everything and everyone I care about. I’m all in. All the time. No matter what.

I realised that, contrary to popular belief, I’m extremely slow to anger. I can be poked and prodded and mistreated for a long time whilst keeping calm.

But once something changes in my mind about a situation, a job, a person or a relationship – that’s it, I’m out.

This was an important learning curve, because I didn’t know this about myself when I was younger.

It also means I pay attention to feelings of discomfort or injustice in a situation or relationship, and try to confront it quickly, because I know once that switch has flipped, nothing will get me back there.

18. I can’t do fake nice, so I don’t

I was 18 when I realised I was not capable of lying to someone’s face, or pretending to be nice when I didn’t like them, or when I didn’t respect them.

I’m not capable of it, and whilst this might sound like a nightmare, it does make life much simpler.

I choose not to spend time with people I don’t like, and I never do ‘fake nice’ to anyone.

I’m genuine with everyone, even if I clearly don’t like them, which is usually when I avoid or choose not to spend time with them.

I’ve had people in my life who really struggle with this, and will say to me ‘just be nice, it doesn’t matter, just lie.’

And when I say I can’t, they just don’t get it.

I’ve grown to be comfortable with this and I’m glad I don’t mislead people.

19. Body image is a bastard

Fuckin hell, I hate body image issues so much. So much, that I choose not to write about them, campaign or get involved in activism around it. I am not at a place where I can discuss or work on these long standing issues which undoubtedly come from years of abuse – but rather than pretend to be a face of feminist values around body image, I simply tell people that I’m not able to be useful in this arena because I have processed my shit around this.

I truly hope that if I get to 40, 50, 60, 70 or 80 – that this mental torture and societal expectation on me as a woman to look like a fuckin living doll will end.

One day, I want to truly love my body. I’m sad I didn’t achieve it by 30, but I’m glad I’m aware of it.

20. I don’t seem to fit in anywhere and I’m getting more comfortable with that

I spent so many of my younger years trying to fit into something or some place. As I found my voice and my talents, I thought I would fit in to new places.

I thought I would fit in to new workplaces but I didn’t. I thought I would fit in at uni, but I didn’t. I thought I would fit into certain friendship groups, but I didn’t. I thought I would fit into feminism, but I often get told that I don’t.

What I’ve noticed is that I’m too much of a mish-mash of a person to truly ‘fit’ into a category or into a group.

I end up sticking out in one way or another – and I used to hate that about myself.

I’m only just learning to love that, and it’s probably why I’ve been successful.

Because I don’t fit anywhere, and because I carve out my own space to thrive. If this is you, stop trying to make yourself fit in. You will clip your own wings.

21. Children are the future, and we treat them like shit

As I’ve gotten older, and moved away from childhood, and had my own kids who are now reaching their teen years, I’ve noticed something.

We have such disrespect for our youth. We treat them, talk to them and approach them like idiots. We underestimate them. We hold them down. We are hypocrites. We ignore their ideas. We expect their undying loyalty and respect. We don’t believe them when they tell us they are being abused and harmed. We don’t protect them in the ways we should. We abuse and exploit them.

And then we sit back, scratching our heads and say ‘why do these kids behave like this?’

Us. Because of us.

But we just don’t wanna see it, do we?

We go on and on about how ‘society’ harms kids. Newsflash. You are society. We are society. We are the adults. We are the harm.

This has been a hard one to swallow, especially as I work so heavily in the abuse and exploitation of children. Children who have many adults and professionals around them, treating them like dirt and then wondering why they won’t trust or respect them.

The answer is much simpler than we think, but we are creating new generations of traumatised and unheard kids. Then we hold them responsible for our mistakes and we move on.

22. Psychiatry is a con and we’ve all been played

This one really took hold in my mid 20s, and not through personal experience. I realised that psychiatry was a con after working with thousands of women and girls who were totally normal, rational and average – but were told by doctors that they were mad, ill, disordered, abnormal and unstable.

Every woman and girl I met with these labels was wrongly diagnosed.

They were oppressed, traumatised, bullied, abused, scared and poor – but they were not mentally ill.

I started to suspect that psychiatry was labelling social impacts on oppressed humans as internal mental health issues as a way to individualise structural harm and oppression.

I decided to educate myself and read this topic – and realised that many others felt the same way I did. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

23. People want you to succeed until you succeed

This one has been so hard. I’ve had to learn this one, despite wishing it wasn’t true. I have been completely baffled, saddened and shocked at how I’ve been treated as I got more successful. I really didn’t expect it, which was naive of me. But I didn’t.

I thought people would understand what I was doing and how hard I was working, but my success just attracted more abuse and hatred.

It felt as though the same people who wanted me to succeed and told me they supported me – instantly disappeared or turned on me when I became successful.

This was a real shock.

I then started to notice this happening to other women, and then realised it was a pattern. Sad, but it was a lesson I had to learn.

24. Real love feels amazing and fulfilling

Wow. This one has been quite a journey. It’s amazing what you will position as ‘real love’ when you’re being controlled, abused and harmed by people around you who profess to love you.

Maybe you think that your partner only checks your phone and checks where you are because he loves you.

Maybe you think your partner who belittles you is doing it to ‘keep you grounded’, because they love you so much.

Maybe you think your partner keeps you away from your family because they love spending time with you.

Maybe they tell you that they want you to lose weight or look different because they love you.

Maybe they tell you that they only treat you badly because they love you so much and they are scared of losing you.

It’s all bullshit. But I wouldn’t have believed it, if someone would have told me these things. I thought love was hard, scary, frustrating, painful and exhausting. I thought that was normal. I thought you were supposed to put up with it because you loved them.

None of it is true.

I’ve been incredibly lucky to fall in love with my best friend and have her love me back, and I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. She loves me as a whole person, completely. I didn’t know that was possible. She loves me for things I have never even noticed about myself. She loves parts of me I hide. She loves things I do that I wasn’t even aware of. She supports me completely.

I’ve never felt this before I met her, except in our friendship.

Being with her has been a huge learning curve about love, partnership and communication. It’s made me realise that we name a lot of things ‘love’ that are not even close to love.

25. Talk about ideas, not people

I once read a post on the internet when I was in my early 20s which said that smart people talk about ideas, not people.

I pondered it for weeks.

It did that thing where it bounced around my brain for days. What did it mean?

Once I realised that we could further the human race and our social causes by focussing on ideas and challenges instead of talking shit about individual people, I tried to stop completely.

I chose not to gossip about people. I chose not to listen to people sharing secrets about others. I chose to back off from conversations about people’s personal lives or struggles.

As I then went into my career, I tried hard to focus on the bigger issues and the impact on society, instead of talking about people.

Now, I’m only human, and sometimes I will definitely slip and talk specifically about a person or people who I disagree with or who have abused or harmed me. But I often regret it. Not because I regret what I’ve said, but because it’s not wise or a useful thing to do.

Talking about people won’t change shit. And it’s a waste of your brain power.

If you’ve just sat and talked shit about someone for 40 mins with someone else – what have you both achieved? What could you have been doing instead?

Think what might have been discussed if you had a 40 min discussion about your ideas about the world instead of that woman you don’t like very much.

26. Cut out anyone who tries to bring you down

Short and sweet: you don’t need or want people like this around you, get rid of them. They will harm you short term and long term. They bring you down because they want to bring you down to their own feeling of shit. Run from these people. Fast. Never look back.

27. The people don’t know their true power

Thinking more broadly, it’s been hard to learn how powerful and powerless people are. The people (us, you, anyone) have the power to change the world, but we don’t or can’t do it, for several reasons.

Whole groups and classes of people could revolt and change the world, but we don’t. That’s hard to stomach sometimes, especially in politics.

A lot is invested in making us feel powerless and worthless – so we don’t rise up and change the world.

Once I realised that, I was fired up, and also very sad.

It meant that global change was possible, but it wasn’t going to happen. And that was gutting.

Sometimes we see these little sparks of revolution, and they are smacked back down by authorities and powerful individuals – so we don’t do it again. But we are capable of immense power if we wanted and needed to change the world. We really are. But we don’t work together as a team and we often don’t work for the benefit of those who need our help most.

28. We are capable of literally anything

Linking to the lesson above, I have realised as I aged that we are capable of anything, really. Humans are incredible. We are capable of great good, and great harm. We are capable of amazing engineering and design. We are capable of leading nations and changing the world.

I remember this about myself and use this every day. Every time I get stuck, I remind myself that I’m capable of anything I put my mind to. Anything.

This has served me well, and continues to be a source of my strength.

It is also an important part of my ethos when working with children and adults – strength based working is vital. Seeing all humans as capable of incredible things.

29. Being able to live as a lesbian is the best thing I ever did for myself

This is a very recent lesson for me, as I only came out at 28 and today, I am 30. However, so many things in my life have clicked into place since realising I was gay, and have been gay since I was a kid. Everything makes so much more sense. Don’t really wanna go into details here, but I’ve been through some rough stuff that I thought all ‘straight’ women went through, until I realised I wasn’t actually straight at all.

Being able to be lesbian and love a woman so wonderfully is easily the best thing I did for myself. It was truly a gift to choose to change my entire life and start again from scratch, to live as my real self. It was so hard, but it was the most liberating and psychologically healthy thing I’ve ever done.

I cannot believe that I repressed my sexuality for so long, when it was so obvious to me. I’m sad that I put myself through that, but I’m also proud that I faced it and proudly came out, and told my best friend that I loved her.

30. If you think you can do it better, stop moaning about it and do it

My final lesson is about making a change when you know something is wrong.

As I’ve said, we are all capable of brilliant things – so why not do them?

We all have ideas, thoughts, principles, approaches and feelings that go round and round in our heads – but we often don’t listen to or trust those ideas.

We sometimes moan or talk about wanting change, but don’t make change.

I’ve learned that the fastest way to achieve change is to do it yourself, or to work towards it yourself.

I’ve loved learning that, and I’ve been able to cause all sorts of personal and professional change by just… doing it.

So there’s my top 30 things I’ve learned about myself and the world in my first 30 years of being alive.

I hope I get many many more years, so I can look back on this one day and explore how much I’ve changed (or not).

If you got this far, well done. This was the most indulgent thing I’ve ever written. Why on earth did you read it all? Go and do something fun!

Lmfao

Cheers to being 30, eh!

Jess xxx

‘Men only target vulnerable women’ & other myths

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Dr Jessica Taylor

15th October 2020

Content warning for rape, abuse and blaming of women and girls.

One of the biggest lies we’ve ever been fed is that women and girls have an innate vulnerability which causes sex offenders, domestic violence offenders and child abusers to spot them and target them.

I write this blog to dispel this powerful myth, and to reassure millions of women and girls that it wasn’t their ‘vulnerability’ which led to them being beaten up, abused, raped or harmed.

I want to make this argument in six points:

⁃ The vulnerability myth is based on some very old, and very shit science

⁃ We like to deny our own vulnerability by calling other people ‘vulnerable’

⁃ We teach children that only ‘vulnerable’ kids get abused and harmed

⁃ We have an oversimplified understanding of abusers and offenders

⁃ We don’t know how to tackle the global epidemic of male violence

⁃ Vulnerability does not lead to other humans committing crime

The message which I hope to convey is that ‘vulnerability’ is not the cause or the source of the abuse that women and girls are subjected to. Further, we have leant on this explanation so heavily that services, programmes, interventions and policies are based upon it, despite it being incorrect.

The vulnerability myth is based on some very old, and very shit science

Calling women and girls ‘vulnerable’ is so commonplace now, you might not even notice it. You might not notice that when a woman or girl is abused, someone will point out her ‘vulnerabilities’. You might not notice that the conversation often becomes about her background, her personality, her childhood or her understanding.

The truth is that this process of seeking and assessing ‘vulnerabilities’ of women and girls who have been abused and harmed is deeply embedded into social care, psychology, mental health, counselling, policing, legislation, education, law and justice.

To understand how we got to a place where we pick apart the woman or girl and lay out her ‘vulnerabilities’ as reasons for being raped, trafficked, abused or traumatised – we have to look at some of the old theories which have continued to influence our thinking.

One such theory is almost 80 years old, and comes from positivist victimology.

Key theorists in victimology and criminology as far back as 1948 argued that only certain types of people became victims of crime and often brought it upon themselves.

Hans Von Hentig wrote in Time Magazine (1948):

‘Certain characteristics of law-abiding citizens arouse a counter reaction in the criminal. The inexperienced businessman, for example, invites embezzlement; the nagging wife is flirting with murder; the alcoholic is a natural for robbery. Thus, the victim becomes the tempter.’

As you can see from this example, it is theorised that victims ‘tempt’ and ‘arouse’ criminals to commit crimes by being vulnerable, inexperienced – or… a woman.

Spoiler alert: There is a lot of misogyny in vulnerability theories and research.

Later victimology theorists such as Benjamin Mendelsohn and Stephen Schafer also suggested that victims caused crime by being weak, vulnerable, female, old, disabled or young. All three theorists suggested that victims precipitate crime by provoking offenders. Whilst this sounds somewhat outdated, these perspectives are alive and well.

Many theories within psychology and criminology still rely on the assumption that women subjected to sexual and domestic violence either brought the offence on themselves, should have done something to protect themselves, should have behaved in a different way or that their vulnerabilities led to the offender targeting and attacking them.

Victim precipitation theory and research suggests that victims precipitate a crime by their behaviour, vulnerability, character or even the way they walk. This research is still ongoing, and only recently I spoke to an academic who was conducting research into which women were ‘vulnerable’ to being raped by their gait and style of walking.

The argument goes that if a woman or girl walks in a way which is not confident or assertive, she gives off some sort of signal to offenders that she is vulnerable and would therefore be a good target for rape or abuse.

Walking isn’t the only thing which academics have suggested to be a vulnerability in women and girls – everything from their appearance to their childhood has been explored in the literature for decades. There are thousands of articles and studies which seek to name the ‘vulnerability factors’ of women and girls, with the aim of reducing them by changing something about that woman or girl.

Interestingly, the same cannot be said for men who are raped and abused, they are not generally discussed as if they were ‘vulnerable’ to offenders or ‘giving off signals’ to be raped or abused.

It’s as if we see rape as a violent crime when committed against men, but as natural process of taking of an opportunity of a weak person, when rape is committed against women.

The reason that I reject this research and these theories entirely is simple: none of it is true, and if you look hard enough for correlations, you’ll find them no matter what they are.

If I looked hard enough, I bet I could find a correlation between which vegetables women eat and being subjected to violence or abuse by men. The reality is that violence against women and girls is so common, that you can often find correlations that don’t really exist, purely based on how common one of the variables is.

I, and thousands of other professionals, have been working with abused women and girls for decades. Those of us who have done these jobs know that we come across women and girls from every background imaginable. I’ve never seen a particular personality, character, appearance, walk or background that has formed any sort of pattern in the women I have supported.

I’ve supported everyone from female MPs to child victims of trafficking. I’ve worked with lawyers and police officers who were being raped and abused by their husbands at home. I’ve worked with social workers who work in safeguarding teams every day and live in fear of their partners. I’ve worked with women who were experts in martial arts who were raped and beaten up by men. I’ve discussed experiences of abuse and rape with women in the military and women who are now veterans.

Equally, I’ve worked with women who have been in care since they were toddlers. I’ve supported girls who have been trafficked around the country. I’ve worked with girls who have never known a safe place to live and have struggled to get a decent meal.

I can’t think of any ‘vulnerability’ that any of these women or girls had in common. They were a mixture of confident, nervous, strong, terrified, healthy, unwell, believed, ignored, extrovert, introvert, popular, lonely, religious, atheist, old, young, poor, rich, supported and isolated women and girls.

The only thing they had in common was that they were females in a patriarchy, and that means that statistically, they are at constant risk from male violence.

We like to deny our own vulnerability by calling other women ‘vulnerable’

You might be wondering why we go to such efforts to name the vulnerability in the woman or girl.

My work, and the work of many others, explores the concept of ‘denial of personal vulnerability’.

Simply put, this means that we are all vulnerable at some level, but we like to pretend we are not.

We are vulnerable not because of innate characteristics or behaviours, but purely due to how common abuse and rape is. At any given time, any of us could be attacked, assaulted, abused, threatened, groomed or even murdered. But to think in such terms would leave most of us anxious and terrified to live a normal life, so we instead tell ourselves that it would never happen to us, because we are not ‘vulnerable’ like those other women and girls who are raped and abused.

We tell ourselves that we would never be that stupid, never be that trusting, never drink that much, never date that guy, never go to that place. We tell ourselves that we would ‘see the signs’. We tell ourselves that the first time he laid his hands on us, we would be out of the door.

It’s all bullshit, of course. But we like to redirect our own feelings of personal vulnerability by pointing the finger at victims and then picking out their ‘vulnerabilities’. We then say ‘ahhh, that’s why she was raped, well, I would never do that, I would never let that happen to me.’

It’s a defence mechanism. A coping strategy for living in a patriarchy. We blame and name other women and girls as ‘vulnerable’ so we don’t ever have to face the fact that it could happen to us.

This is true even when academics write papers about ‘vulnerabilities’ of women and girls subjected to male violence. The difference is, they get to dress it up with big words, theories and titles so that we all nod and agree. It must be the vulnerabilities of the victims! Of course!

We teach children that only ‘vulnerable’ kids get abused and harmed

We invest a huge amount of time and effort into convincing each other that only the vulnerable will be abused, raped and harmed. This starts early, as early as primary school.

Children are taught in PSHE, assemblies and workshops that only the vulnerable children will be abused or groomed. Resources from everywhere from NSPCC to Barnardo’s have endorsed the myth that only the vulnerable children will be abused, and that if we remove their ‘vulnerabilities’ they will be safe from sex offenders and child abusers.

It’s again, all total rubbish. But that doesn’t stop us from showing children videos, resources and sessions which encourage them to identify the ‘vulnerability’ of the child who is raped and abused. It also doesn’t stop us from constructing entire vulnerability assessments in professional practice which erroneously attempt to identify which vulnerabilities of the child caused the abuse, so we can ‘solve’ them.

A common example of this is when professionals conclude that a girl has been exploited or raped because she didn’t ‘have enough education about consent and healthy relationships’.

This leads to plans around the child which suggest that increasing her knowledge of consent and abuse will protect her from the sex offender who is exploiting her, because once she has more knowledge, she will use the knowledge to defend herself and protect herself better.

This completely ignores the fact that even the most educated professionals who work in abuse every day, are still just as likely to be abused as anyone else. There has been no research which suggests that knowledge of abuse is protective. It is educative at best. This is because power dynamics and the choice to commit violent crime against women and girls has literally fuck all to do with the victim and has everything to do with the motivation and personal choices of the offender.

If we are to tackle this myth, we need to look at why we embed it from such an early age in girls and boys around the world.

We have an oversimplified understanding of abusers and offenders

One of them main issues we have is that whilst we like to scream ‘monster’ and ‘pervert’ and ‘paedo’ at offenders, we don’t actually get taught anything about these men. This leads to serious misunderstandings about offenders who commit domestic and sexual violence offences.

One such misunderstanding is that offenders carefully seek out and then deliberately target the most vulnerable women and girls in society.

This is very easily disproved, especially as direct qualitative research with sex offenders and domestic violence offenders shows that men who commit these crimes target their victims for hundreds of reasons, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with vulnerability.

In interviews, sex offenders have said that they targeted girls because they liked their hair, their tights, their body shape and their smile. Sex offenders report targeting children because they are confident and happy. Some talk about their specific sexual fantasies. Some only target girls of certain ages and ethnicities. Some sex offenders report not caring who their victims are at all, and will rape and abuse any child they can.

When it comes to online sex offending, there is plenty of evidence that sex offenders target children and adults randomly, based on whoever responds first and in a way they want. This means they can literally use a scattergun approach to attack and groom hundreds of victims per day, and never know anything about their so-called ‘vulnerabilities’.

In chat logs of sex offenders abusing children which were analysed by Kloess et al. (2017), most offenders never even asked for details about the child. They were not seeking vulnerabilities to exploit. They were targeting hundreds of different kids. They had very little in common.

With the abuse and grooming of adult women, the same can be said. It is seen as ‘common knowledge’ that abusers target vulnerable women – and yet, many offenders actually target assertive and confident women who spend the rest of their lives wondering how that man managed to grind them down and destroy their sense of self.

The reality is, for lots of misogynists, destroying confident and healthy women is part of the fun. It’s part of the kick they get out of belittling and humiliating her. Why would an offender always target vulnerable women, when they enjoy breaking down women and controlling them?

The vulnerability theory is just myth. It suggests that offenders don’t target or abuse ‘strong’ women, and that if you are a strong woman, it shouldn’t ever happen to you.

This is particularly true for Black women who are generally positioned as strong, aggressive matriarchs due to racism. So it’s even harder for Black women to be seen as victims of abuse and male violence, because we assume they are all ‘strong, assertive’ women who would never be targeted by abusers. There has been much written about this phenomenon, and it deserves a lot more attention. Especially as it exposes so fluently, the stereotypes we use to build the ‘perfect victim’, and what happens when you as a woman, sit outside of that perfect victim stereotype.

If you are not seen as vulnerable or weak, you can often be positioned as a liar or a malicious ex.

It’s almost as if we believe that all victims of male violence must be inherently vulnerable women and girls, and they are not vulnerable, they are not real victims.

We don’t know how to tackle the global epidemic of male violence

This is probably fairly obvious, but we don’t actually know how to (and there is very little appetite for) challenge and end global, systemic male violence.

We did get to a point where we started to take notice of the fact that 97-99% of all violent crime is committed by men globally, and that we had to do something about the way men and boys were being socialised and brought up to regard fighting, violence, sexual power, competition and bullying as masculine traits to aim for.

However, more recently, we have seemingly gone backwards. When we talk about male violence or male crime stats, we are shouted down and told we are misandrists and man-hating feminist bitches, (ironic, but okay).

It seems that if we cannot even publicly address decades of solid evidence and statistics, we definitely cannot work towards tackling male violence yet. As much as I would love to see that for the good of our entire species, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink.

Everyone knows the reality of violent crime, but many are reluctant to do anything with it.

We’ve now moved away from holding men responsible (again) and gone back towards positivist theories of victim precipitation and vulnerability.

Vulnerability in one human does not lead to other humans committing crime

My final message has to be the clearest.

It does not matter how vulnerable a woman or girl is, it never ever ‘causes’ another human with free will to choose to abuse, rape or kill them.

Absolutely nothing inside that victim has any power or effect on the choice-making of an offender.

They are capable and competent adults who make active choices to harm women and girls for one reason:

Because they want to.

You don’t need any other theories. Offenders do it, ultimately, because they want to. That’s why they are able to keep their cool with their boss, or their best mate, or some dickhead they play footy with – but ‘lose their cool’ with their girlfriend at home or abuse little girls.

This isn’t about vulnerability of the woman or girl, it’s about a choice that is made by a misogynistic, violent offender who wants to abuse and harm women and girls (and in some cases, children in general rather than just girls).

Let me explain something to everyone reading this blog:

If vulnerabilities lead to some sort of human arousal or temptation in us to exploit or abuse or kill weaker humans, we would all do it (or at least the majority of us). And yet, not only do the majority of humans not commit these crimes, but women hardly commit any.

Globally, women are only responsible for around 2% of violent crime. So does this mean that victim precipitation theory only applies to male offenders and female victims?

If the vulnerability theories were real, that would mean that if you came across a drunk woman, accidentally separated from her friends and lost in the high street, you would think ‘she’s vulnerable and alone, I could do something to her right now!’

But you don’t, do you?

Most of us have never had a thought like that in our lives.

You might instead see her and think ‘shit, she’s alone, is she okay?’

Or you might approach her and ask her if she’s safe, and where her friends are. You might ring an ambulance or police if needed. You might help her back to somewhere safe like a taxi rank or a bar where her friends were.

That’s because you made a CHOICE.

100 people could walk past her and the majority would see all of her so-called ‘vulnerabilities’ and either try to help her or not stop at all.

And yet a handful may stop and make a choice to harm her, rape her, rob her or kill her.

Her ‘vulnerabilities’ had nothing to do with it. It is all about the active choice making of the offender.

It is ALWAYS the choice of the offender.

Vulnerability of women is just a myth used to distract us from the real cause of male violence: men.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

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Misogyny in the family courts

Dr Jessica Taylor

21/09/2020

Everyone who works with women who have been subjected to domestic abuse, or children who have been subjected to sexual abuse, will know how volatile, unpredictable and misogynistic our family court system can be.

I am going to use this space to explore some of the most common narratives and problems that arise for women and girls in the family courts, and I encourage all professionals working in this field to consider what will be presented here. It won’t be comfortable reading, and I fully expect people to try to tell me that these cases aren’t real, and this isn’t happening.

Each year, thousands of women write to me about their terrifying experiences of the family court system. Despite every woman being an individual, and residing everywhere from Essex to Sydney, the story is the same.

And if I have learned anything from working with and for women in need in the last ten years, it’s to watch out for patterns, especially when they span countries, languages and cultures.

As it happens, the way women and girls are pathologised in the family court systems is one of those patterns, and one that worries me greatly. I am, thankfully, not the only person to notice this or to be fighting against this, and recently the UK family court system has been lobbied to commit to reform and exploration of its practices. Campaigns by feminist activists such as #thecourtsaid have repeatedly highlighted the dangerous and abusive decisions of the family courts.

In this blog, I will highlight the most common issues that women are facing and how they are used to create an adversarial, misogynistic system that disbelieves, gaslights and destroys women step by step.

Believe me when I say that this is starting to look like a blueprint. I have been talking with women from around the world recently, and their cases are almost identical. The tactics and language used are the same. The injustices are the same and the risks to children are the same.

I hope by writing this, that more women will become aware of how common this is, and process the trauma, guilt and blame of these distressing court cases.

Women who report abuse are quickly reframed as crazy, jealous exes

Every single report I have read so far has either directly or indirectly described mum as emotionally unstable, jealous of new partners, delusional or has issues with the ex that they seem to be taking out by manipulating the court process or by coaching their children.

Reports seem to read that when women start new relationships after divorce or relationship breakdown, they are unstable and promiscuous, but when the male ex starts a new relationship, it’s taken as evidence that he is stable and settled down.

Often, women face an assumption that they are in the family court system because they are angry that their abusive ex has a new partner. Every woman I’ve spoken with so far has barely even mentioned the new partner, and indeed in some cases, I couldn’t even tell you if there was one. And yet, the way they are being portrayed is that they can’t let go of their ex, and that the court case is a waste of everyone’s time, because she cannot accept the end of the relationship.

What is interesting about this, is that in all of the cases I have discussed this year with women, the woman actually ended the relationship and left due to abuse. Some went to refuges, some went to family, some found other accommodation. All of them left because they realised they were being abused, or because their children disclosed sexual abuse.

None of them want to be with their ex, but it’s amazing how credible male ex boyfriends and husbands seem to be, when they accuse the woman of being ‘jealous’ that he’s moved on. Mud sticks, and professionals around her soon begin to make comments or write reports which include these inaccurate assumptions. This is particularly dangerous where children have disclosed abuse, and then the family court hearings become more and more focused on mum’s ‘agenda’ and ‘motivation’ instead of what the children have said.

No one seems to be taking young girls seriously when they disclose sexual abuse

The way that young girls are being dismissed by professionals ranging from social workers to paediatricians is worrying me greatly, and is the motivation behind this blog post.

The first thing that seems to happen is that the girl discloses randomly, during play or non-related conversation about something that a (usually) male family member has done to her.

Language is usually infantile and mixed up. This is completely normal. The girl describes the abuse in a way that would be clear to any experienced professional that there is something seriously wrong.

Examples include:

⁃ Daddy pokes me in my privates and my bum

⁃ Daddy checks my vagina all the time

⁃ Daddy takes pictures of my bum

⁃ I don’t like it when the yoghurt comes out of dad’s wee thing

As you can see, these real examples clearly show that the child is not coached or influenced. Some children draw pictures of their abuse or of male genitals. Some children write stories or poems about abuse and rape.

In addition to these clear signs of abuse, we also see girls with injuries and genital irritation such as scratches, marks, itching, soreness and spots. Even when this is happening, mothers are being told that it’s normal and that there is no need for tests or examinations.

This completely ignores all of our evidence base in child sexual abuse, which clearly states that these disclosures plus any kind of physical symptoms in small children are clear signs of sexual abuse.

So why are these signs and disclosures from girls being ignored in the family courts? Why are professionals suggesting that girls are making this up, or don’t know what they are talking about? Why are we so sure that she isn’t being abused, that we will continue contact with sexually abusive parents and ignore her disclosures?

This is the opposite of all of our safeguarding evidence and policies. What is the point of having these policies and child safeguarding legislation if we then ignore it during hearings and investigations?

Character assassination is par for the course; and no one seems to care

Reports and hearings often become obsessed with the character assassination of the mother – and become less and less focussed on the well-being and disclosures of the children.

This is something I’ve noticed more and more over the last few years, and now seems commonplace.

Even where children have disclosed and reported to the police, the reports become about the fact that mum was abused as a child or is on benefits. It has absolutely nothing to do with the abuse of the children, any yet the mum of the children finds herself defending her life choices, childhood, personality and background whilst trying to get everyone to re-focus on the disclosures made by the children.

When this happens, the hearings start to become an adversarial process about which parent is ‘telling the truth’, and which is ‘credible’ – rather than addressing the fact that a child has repeatedly described sexual abuse.

There’s a lot of dodgy psychiatry and psychology going on, with no real process to challenge poor practice

It concerns me how many women are diagnosed or labelled with disorders and psychiatric conditions after meeting a psychologist for 2 hours during an assessment. I have read several reports in which women have been labelled, accused and diagnosed after one short interview, whilst they were under severe stress and worrying about their child being abused.

Despite this, these reports are taken seriously and can be used to make important decisions.

As an example, one woman had reported that her child was disclosing abuse by dad, and so they were all assessed. On the psychometrics and assessment, the mum and dad scored the same, but mum was diagnosed and labelled, whereas dad received a glowing report. Interestingly, I noticed that on one subscale created to detect social desirable responding (where people ‘fake good’), the Dad (who was accused of sexually abusing children) scored much higher than the mum, but mum was accused of faking good with the psychologist and Dad was described as friendly and stable.

It was as if the scales were being completely ignored whilst the psychologist wrote a biased report based purely on their own opinion. When this was challenged, mum was accused of being delusional and emotionally unstable. The more mum protested, the more it was used against her to ‘prove’ she was unstable.

In short, mum was trapped. The more she criticised the report, the more she was pathologised using shitty psychology and psychiatry.

This example seems to be common, and I’ve come across similar cases over and over again. It worries me how little time is used to ‘assess’ the family, and the kind of comments that seem to be acceptable.

I’ve read some reports that are nothing short of libel, based on absolutely nothing and are difficult to get overturned or corrected. Conversely, I’ve read reports about Dad, whom the child has disclosed is sexually abusing them, in which they are described as nothing short of a saint among men. It’s very disconcerting reading the reports about a family, in which a fellow professional has written such a biased report, and the disclosures of the child have been almost completely dismissed.

Further, judges have been found to make awful comments, including one who argued that a woman whose daughter had disclosed repeated sexual abuse by her dad, was accused over being overprotective of her daughter because she had historical miscarriages over a decade earlier.

It raises the question of who regulates and manages these hearings and processes, and what rights do women have to challenge and change inaccurate, misogynistic and biased comments, judgments and reports.

Parental alienation seems to be the trump card for abusive men

Not just confined to the depths of MRA twitter and Facebook groups, parental alienation is now being used frequently in cases where children have disclosed abuse.

Even in cases where children have clearly described sexual abuse by dad, the dad is able to argue that the mother is committed parental alienation by stopping the child from seeing him.

This is extremely problematic, especially as most people would agree that if a child has disclosed sexual abuse, the safest thing we can do is keep the child away from the potential abuser to instantly reduce the risk to the child. However, I have now spoken to several women who have been threatened with action, or accused of parental alienation, for stating that they will not allow their children to have unsupervised contact with a parent who the child is saying, has sexually assaulted or raped them.

Most of the women I spoke to were terrified of the accusation of parental alienation, and in cases where this had been used against mum, it often worked – and Dad was granted access even when the child was disclosing sexual assaults.

It is clear that real parental alienation does happen in some cases – but choosing to stop contact when a child spontaneously discloses serious sexual abuse is surely common sense, and not an act of parental alienation.

One woman I spoke to was threatened by a judge that if she didn’t support contact with her ex husband, (who had convictions for DV and the child was reporting had sexually abused her), that he would award full custody to Dad as a way to punish/control her.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, either.

Something is seriously wrong with our system.

Evidence is not being gathered correctly or quickly enough when children are at risk from abuse

As if there were not enough issues already, one of the things that has really started to worry me over the last few years is how long children are being left after a series of serious disclosures without any interviews, examinations or referrals.

We already know that on average, children disclose 7 times before someone takes it seriously (according to an NSPCC, 2014 study).

However, I keep coming across cases in which children have disclosed sexual abuse and have even told adults that their genitals hurt – and no one has seen them for weeks, sometimes over a month.

Further than that, some children who disclose recent rape or sexual abuse have not been referred for tests or examination for several weeks, sometimes as long as two months, by which time all DNA evidence would be gone, and some injuries would arguably have healed.

This is counter to all of our knowledge and practice wisdom in child sexual abuse, and yet, it seems common when it comes to family court cases.

I have also come across poor practice in which children have disclosed serious sexual abuse, and the way we have dealt with it is to send uniformed officers into their houses, or taken children to police station evidence suites where the child has instantly stopped talking and has refused to speak about anything.

Rather than us acknowledging that our process has scared the child, we have then suggested that the child has not been abused or there is ‘no evidence’.

Even where parents have attempted to record their child’s disclosures in the moment, evidence is being ignored. Professionals are telling mums that they cannot do anything to protect children as young as 3 years old unless the child gives a full and specific disclosure of the sexual offences, which is also incorrect and does not align with safeguarding practice.

Decades of research evidence is being totally ignored

What this all amounts to, is that thousands of papers, reports and theories are being actively ignored in cases where women and girls disclose abuse.

Whether it’s evidence and theories about how to support children to disclose, or evidence based lists of symptoms and signs of sexual abuse – so much is being ignored.

Research clearly gives us lists of things to look out for in children who might be being sexually abused, and despite many of these signs being present in these cases, children are being ignored. Research also defines the different ways in which small children attempt to disclose abuse that they don’t understand, which ranges from verbal disclosures through to behavioural disclosures – and yet I have never read a report which includes this evidence base.

Research on offenders seems to be being ignored too. Men with previous convictions for sexual abuse or accessing child sexual abuse imagery have been given unsupervised access to children because professionals have argued that his own children are not at risk.

An example of this from around 2015 includes a man who had several convictions for sexual abuse of children online, and accessing child abuse imagery. A social worker approached me for advice because she was so concerned about his three children. Safeguarding concerns had been raised about the three small children, the youngest of which was 2 years old. Dad was known to download and hoard sexually abusive images of infants.

It baffled the social worker that the judge had argued that Dad was not a risk to his own children, but only to children on the Internet!

The judge had suggested that the children have locks on their bedroom doors and be given education about keeping themselves safe. Dad was given unsupervised access to the children.

I do think, having written this story out, that you need literally zero knowledge of safeguarding or sex offender research to know that this was a stupid decision which put the children at significant risk of sexual offences.

What is the point of academics, students. authorities and professionals conducting decades of research if we ignore all of it in real world application?

Final thoughts

I’m sorry that this blog is so negative and so concerning. I acknowledge that many professionals will feel wholly uncomfortable with such a critical view of family court systems around the world. It is not to say that all cases are like the ones discussed here, but it is my opinion that even one case this poor is a failure to protect children from abuse. One case is too many cases.

It is not acceptable for anyone to respond to this blog by suggesting that these cases are worst case scenarios, rare and therefore irrelevant. I am not hugely involved in this field (I am not a caseholder, I am not a lawyer, I am not a social worker), and yet I can give hundreds of real examples of this kind of practice towards women and girls in the family courts.

I wrote this blog for one main reason:

Women need to know that their case was not a one-off. They need to know that they are not to blame, and that they are one of thousands of women who have been labelled and gaslit in the family court system. So many women contact me to talk about their cases and experiences, and they have no idea that this happens to other women, too.

We need to raise awareness of the way women and girls are being treated – and then we need to work together to reform the family courts.

Dr Jessica Taylor

Femmes: Not feminist enough, not lesbian enough

Dr Jessica Taylor

I am deep in thought about the way I have been treated in the last several months, by women around me whom I respected, listened to, engaged with and spoke with. Whilst this blog could get very complex, the crux of the matter seems to be that I am consistently being criticised for not being feminist enough, and not being lesbian enough.

The first one is subjective, the second one is homophobia.

Having mulled it over for a couple of weeks, I’ve noticed a pattern that I want to flag up.

We have an issue with femme lesbians. And we have an issue with butch lesbians.

We have an issue with feminine presenting women.

We have an issue with feminists who are deemed ‘too feminine’ and ‘too butch’.

And whilst we are busy criticising individual women for their hair, makeup or bodies, we are completely ignoring systemic oppression of women, and societal contexts of that oppression. Instead, we become individualists, and target women we don’t agree with or don’t like, and rip into their character and appearance.

This isn’t feminism.

I want to give you some personal examples of this (and some I have witnessed happen to other women).

I have committed myself to radical feminism, and always will. I believe that women and girls are oppressed by their sex, globally. I believe we need liberation urgently. I have supported that cause by writing free materials, creating free courses, teaching, lecturing, influencing and doing everything in my power to push that goal. Specifically for me, I focus on supporting women and girls who have been subjected to male violence and trauma.

Despite my unwavering stance on this, and the fact that I have stood firm, lost jobs, commissioners, contracts, book deals, friends and colleagues – I am frequently accused of not being feminist enough by women who do very little for anyone else. Further, some women seem obsessed with how I look and what I can and can’t wear… which sounds like the type of misogyny I thought we were fighting against.

In 2018, I decided, terrified, to wear a bikini on holiday. I do not speak about this publicly, but I have struggled with body image and eating disorders since I was about 17 and it’s not something I speak on, or will ever speak on past this blog.

Only a couple of people in my life have any idea how severe this is, and for the most part, I keep it under control. Wearing a bikini, or shorts, or a vest top, or anything that exposes me, is a risky and terrifying move. I hate summer for that reason. I am constantly on edge. I love travelling and going on holiday, but I spend most of my time checking my body image and feeling anxious. I have to focus intently on the environment and the things we are doing so I can stop thinking about my body.

In 2018, I decided to challenge myself and not only did I wear a bikini, I took a pic of it when I was on the beach. I stared at it for days and then decided to upload it with the caption ‘How to get a bikini body: put a bikini on your body’. It went viral and I instantly regretted it.

The forbidden bikini pic

I obviously got a mixture of reactions – from disgusting comments to other women disclosing their own body image issues and thanking me for the image.

But the responses that perplexed me the most, were the feminists whom I worked alongside, who were posting vile comments about my body, my stretchmarks, my weight and suggesting I couldn’t be a feminist or a psychologist because I posted a pic of myself at the beach.

I received comments from radical feminists who told me that I was exposing myself and that I couldn’t do that, because I was supposed to be radfem.

One ‘feminist’ mocked me for having ‘fat knees’ and told me to do more squats. I argued with her but she wouldn’t budge, she told me I shouldn’t have posted the image if I didn’t want shitty comments about my fat legs. Sounds like victim blaming, but okay. Very feminist.

At the time, I brushed it off.

But it happened again.

In 2019, I made several videos as part of a free course I created for women and girls subjected to sexual violence. In the videos, I am wearing a white and navy full length wrap jumpsuit and a blue cardigan. The course has been accessed by over 40,000 people. On the week of launch, I received comments from a radical feminist whom I had always respected, saying, and I quote, “no one wants to see your ugly saggy tits on videos talking about sexual violence, you’re going to trigger survivors of sexual abuse”.

I was mortified, but also confused. The jumpsuit was a wrap design, but you couldn’t see my breasts. I went back and watched them.

This is a still from the video.

The offensive jumpsuit

I then received several milder comments from feminists who asked me why I felt the need to wear the jumpsuit in a video for survivors. They said it was ‘sexualising’.

I still don’t get it, to this day. But the judgment was pretty harmful for me, and I remember feeling like I had just spent weeks creating a free resource for people who really needed it, but all that was being talked about was my body. Again.

At the beginning of 2020, I started to notice more and more comments from radical feminists about my breasts, and my bra size. Comments about my body, what I wear, what I look like, my hair, my eyeliner. The same was said about my partner, Jaimi.

There was a rumbling of conversations that we were both too feminine, too sexualised, wearing the wrong clothes.

We found a thread in which 20-30 radical feminists (many of whom we knew) were making sexualised comments about our bodies, claiming we were fake lesbians, playing up to men, ‘take dick’, and more interestingly, that we were fake feminists and fake lesbians, because… we both have big breasts??

A set of comments in the thread were about imagining us being sexually intimate which were creepy as fuck.

One of the comments from a woman I had respected said that she couldn’t take anything me or Jaimi say seriously because every time she sees us, she imagines us talking and ‘then their tits just boing out of their tops and they act like they don’t want men to see them’.

It made us both feel creeped out. We do both have big breasts, and there’s fuck all we can do about that, but why would radical feminists be engaging in a thread that objectified our bodies?

Further, what seemed to be growing was a narrative of ‘well, if they don’t want to be sexualised, they shouldn’t wear those clothes!’

Which I’m sure we’ve heard… somewhere… before… hmmm

We’ve been together for around 18 months and been out only for 12 months. In those 12 months, we’ve been consistently shocked by how many radical feminists have accused us of faking our entire relationship, or being fake lesbians. The other frequent accusation is that we are ‘political lesbians’ – which neither of us are.

We didn’t feel we had to publicly explain our lives and sexualities, but as discussed on our podcast a few weeks back, we both knew we were attracted to girls from being very young. Jaimi was younger than me when she realised, but I was about 11. I had been involved with different girls from 11-16 but had never told anyone. I had other shit going on in my life and I wasn’t processing my sexuality. It took until I was much older to finally process it all. I haven’t made a choice to be gay, and nor has Jaimi.

Finally being able to live as lesbians has made us both physically and mentally healthier, more confident and calmer. We are visibly happier. Everyone around us says it.

There seems to be a real issue around what we look like, too. We’ve both been directly or indirectly accused of playing up to men because we appear feminine. It’s as if the only way to ‘be’ lesbian is to be butch.

I’ve been accused of ‘playing games with men’ because I mock men who send us disgusting messages. Yes, I do mock them. It helps me deal with the thousands of abusive messages I get. Mocking them is literally the only thing we have, sometimes. I report men to the police frequently for sending me threats and abuse and so far ZERO of them have been prosecuted. So yes, mock them I will.

Which brings me to another example which I witnessed a few months ago. This one does not involve me, but was a long thread which mocked two butch lesbians in our circles.

I was shocked to see radical feminists and so-called ‘gender critical’ women brutally mocking two butch lesbian radfems and claiming that they were probably men. The comments were appalling. Women I thought totally understood gender and misogyny were laughing about their short hair, their clothing, their styles and suggesting that they should just be put on testosterone.

I read whilst they placed metaphorical bets that butch lesbians would eventually all come out as identifying as men.

So, I’m too femme, and they are too butch?

Last month, Jaimi and I posted a drawing she had done of me. Again, I had the same anxiety around it because years on, my body image issues have gone absolutely nowhere. However, the drawing felt calm and peaceful. It felt like a representation of my body that I had never seen before, and for the first time in a very long time, I looked at that image and thought, “that’s actually okay.”

We had spent the week watching perseids which is the reason she drew the windows dark, with a large moon and two shooting stars. We had been driving into the countryside to find areas of dark sky to watch the meteors and it had been an epic week.

The drawing is based on a pic she took of me looking out across our garden. It’s not posed, it’s not sexy, it’s not anything really. It’s just an image of me looking out of the window.

The issue seems to be that I have high waisted short knickers on, which has caused several women to go into some sort of misogynistic meltdown in which I am now being accused (again) of not being a real feminist or a real lesbian.

This is now, at least the fourth time, where an image of me has been deliberately sexualised by women who claim to understand sexualisation.

My bikini pic was not sexual at all, but it was made out to be. My videos for sexual violence survivors were not sexual at all, but it was made out to be. My relationship with my best friend, and a woman I love intensely, is not sexualised or for men, but it is made out to be. The drawing Jaimi did of me has been made out to be sexual content, too.

The same ‘feminists’ who commented on the drawing of me claiming to be concerned about my ‘professionalism’ also made comments about my body, and claiming Jaimi didn’t ‘draw enough’ of my cellulite.

The same radfem women making these comments also engaged in yet another huge thread which included comments about my sexuality, my personal life, my weight, my body shape and what I was wearing.

Comments very clearly suggested (again) that if I didn’t want to receive criticism or sexual comments, I should cover my body up.

Now, where have we heard that?

Jaimi was upset by the suggestion that her art was ‘porn’ so she also shared it in her female-only art group with over five thousand established artists, and received a thousand positive comments. She asked about the nature of the drawing and asked if other female artists felt it was sexualising, and over 1000 women commented their thoughts underneath, not one said it was sexualising the woman in the drawing (me, but obviously, they don’t know that).

This interested me too, as the female artist group contains women who are radfem, libfem, and not feminist at all.

No one felt it was ‘porn’, except the the ‘feminists’ who were using it to try to humiliate me. Amazing, eh.

This escalated considerably recently where Jaimi and I were subjected to weeks of intermittent homophobic abuse from ‘feminists’. Lies have been spread about the age gap between me and Jaimi, which is only 7 years. I look old for 29, lol. I get it. I had a rough paper round. Jaimi looks younger than she is. So what?

You want some ID?

Amazing how age gaps in hetero relationships are seen as normal, in fact, the average age gap between hetero couples is much bigger than this according to research by the Pew Centre. To be honest, it was just another stick to beat us with. No one is actually concerned that a 22yo is with a 29yo.

Jaimi has been mocked by ‘feminists’ for stepping up to be a parent to my kids, for which I respect and admire her. I’ve recently been mocked by ‘feminists’ for having a child from rape when I was a teenager. There isn’t really any lower anyone could sink at this time.

But back to the point. There is a pattern forming here, and unfortunately, it looks as though we have fallen into the patriarchal trap of seeing all female bodies as sexual, whilst we attempt to argue that they are not.

Radical feminism is anti-objectification and anti-sexualisation – but it’s not anti-female body or anti-female nudity. It’s not prudish. It’s not about covering up.

We have body art, vagina art etc.

Radical feminism is not supposed to be a movement which encourages women to cover their bodies to stop them from getting sexualised and inappropriate comments.

And yet, here we are.

I’ve also mused on why it is seemingly empowering and cool for masculine presenting women to be pictured in crop tops, bras and sportswear, but not femme presenting women.

I know I’ve been in several feminist environments in which butch women have taken their tops off. I wonder what would have happened if I did that? I wonder why there is such a difference in the perception of our bodies?

I know I’ve seen images of butch women in very little, but there are no comments about how they are sexualising themselves and performing for men. Only when femme women do it.

Isn’t that because we are employing the same gender roles and misogyny as society is? Isn’t that because we are seeing femme women as ‘asking for it’ and butch women as ‘not conforming’?

Don’t we both have female bodies?

Why is it considered feminist and empowering when butch lesbians are pictured kissing or being together, but when femme lesbians do it, it’s pornographic and ‘for the male gaze’?

Doesn’t this objectify femme presenting lesbians?

Why is lesbian sexuality having to be hidden away, obscured and ‘kept private’ in 2020?

Or is this only applicable when the women are femme-presenting?

I know how some will react to these questions – they will argue that all femininity is oppression and all femininity is for the male gaze.

As a woman who has zero interest in men, their views, their opinions or their ‘gaze’, this position perplexes me. Are we saying that femme lesbians are all performative? That femme lesbians are all sexualised?

Are we ignoring female sexuality and the female gaze? What if femme lesbians are appealing to other femme lesbians? Are we just going to ignore their sexual attraction to each other and pretend it’s all for men?

I don’t even have space to go into the fact that many of the radical feminist women making these comments are heterosexual and married to men.

It’s gotten to the point now where women in radical feminism are openly posting about watching my Instagram and looking at pictures of me. And then having entire conversations about my body, my weight, my clothing, my relationship and my sexuality.

You are doing what you claim to hate.

You are engaging in narratives you claim to reject.

You are doing what MRAs do to feminists.

I’m sick and tired of women in this ‘sisterhood’ dragging each other. If it’s not ‘gender critical women’ mocking butch lesbians for being ‘men’, then it’s ‘radfems’ mocking a woman with cancer and asking why they aren’t dead yet. Younger radfems mocking second wave radfems for being old. Older radfems dismissing and humiliating young radfems, and then moaning that we don’t have enough young radfems. And I will never have the space to go into the blatant racism towards Black and Jewish radfems and do that justice, because that shit runs deeper than I ever imagined.

We are attacking each other.

The culture is sick. It needs to change.

We don’t all have to be friends, but we should at least acknowledge that radical feminism is made up of thousands of different women who look, live and act completely differently.

As long as we are all working for common goals, and we are not using harm, racism, oppression, bullying, abuse etc. to achieve that, shouldn’t we be holding each other up?

At present, I see no reason to continue engaging with a very large number of women in this movement, whom have either stayed silent whilst we’ve been harassed and abused, have engaged in it, have laughed at it or have not even noticed how common these comments are about women around us.

Turning a blind eye to the level of homophobia and internalised misogyny amongst us, and within our feminism, is not an option. Nor is blaming women who are targeted, for their appearance or their sexuality. Nor is mocking butch lesbians and femme lesbians in different ways and then pretending there is no homophobia present in our groups of friends or organisations.

My apologies, I thought we were all here for global female liberation from patriarchy.

Who needs a fucking patriarchy when you’ve got handmaidens like these?

On second thoughts, I am not ending this blog like this. I just want to send my love to all of the femme presenting lesbian women who are struggling with this constant shit being slung at them. I see it happening online and I reach out to as many women as I can to check they are okay, but I just want to take a stand and remind you that you are fuckin real, you are lesbian enough, you are feminist enough and the only people who need to reflect here are those who are using misogyny and homophobia to try to shut you down.

We will NEVER build a powerful movement for women if we exclude lesbians and femme presenting women purely based off what they bloody look like.

The real reasons that women are oppressed by patriarchy

Dr Jessica Taylor

I’m starting to realise that women are oppressed because they are more powerful than men.

I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but consider that all oppression has a reason or a motivation. It all starts somewhere. Oppressors would not seek to control, denigrate and silence people who had no power in the first place, would they?

Men don’t oppress women because they think they are stupid, incompetent, weak or incapable – they oppress women because they know that we aren’t any of those things. They know that given the chance, we will change the world in several ways which will permanently dismantle male supremacy. And they don’t want that.

I am writing this blog post deliberately to spark conversation and thought about the systemic oppression of women and girls – and how this is only required because of the potential power of women and girls.

Women make up 51% of the population and yet, are disproportionately oppressed, abused, killed, trafficked, mutilated and raped by men in every country of the world. As scholars have pointed out before me, there are no rape-free societies. There are no areas of the world where women are not being raped by men. There are no areas of the world where women are not being abused and controlled by male partners. There are no areas of the world where girls and women are better off than men and boys, and in proportionate control of their lives, finances, education and governments.

We must consider why this is. Misogynists try to convince us that it is because we are weak, incapable, poor leaders, stupid or emotional.

I am here to argue that women have more potential and power than men in several important areas of human life, and that the patriarchy seeks to oppress and control us because rather than actually believing that we are weak, they recognise that we are strong.

Further, they are aware how much stronger we would be if we understood and utilised our power, so much of society is designed to keep women and girls from ever realising their own skill, knowledge or power.

The control of female sexuality

The patriarchy seeks to control female sexuality, sexual preferences, sexual acts and sexual consent for several reasons. In a majority heterosexual society (and one which forces compulsory heterosexuality on even those who are gay or bi) women are sought out for men’s sexual desires, sexual exploitation and sexual pleasure. This means that women and girls are required to conform to male-accepted beauty standards, submit to sex when requested, enjoy sex acts which harm or abuse them and believe that their sexual prowess is their most important quality.

Patriarchal control has achieved this by ensuring that women and girls self-sexualise from 7 years old (according to APA, 2007), that women and girls believe and employ rape myths towards themselves and other women, blame themselves (and blame other women and girls) for the sexual and domestic violence of men (Taylor, 2020).

Further, patriarchal norms mean that globally, millions of women are expected to give (or abstain from) sex, whenever men tell them to. This could be their fathers, brothers, husbands or men in their wider support networks. Millions of women and girls are subjected to FGM to remove parts of their sexual organs, including the clitoris, so that men can control their sexual activity, and so that female sexual pleasure is never experienced.

Women’s sexuality is powerful not because we are walking sex objects, but because it is something intensely private, personal and intimate to us all. We own our sexuality. We choose how to use our sexuality, if at all. We should have total control over who we are intimate with, when and why. Our pleasure and our sexual organs belong to us. If we really had full control of our sexuality, and were not manipulated to believe that being ‘sexy’ is important to our role in the world, men would not have control over our bodies, images, laws, lives, relationships and our sexual pleasure.

It should be so telling that female sexuality is directed, shaped and twisted to fit whatever men want from us at that time. Smaller waist? Thicker waist? No ass? Round ass? Big boobs? Small boobs? Showing your skin? Not showing your skin? Lots of make-up? The ‘natural’ look? We are simply tricked into believing that we have power over our sexuality and our appearance. It’s a facade.

It is important that the patriarchy continues to control women’s sexuality, in order for women and girls to never understand the power they have in a world where men desire control of their sexuality. It is equally important to patriarchy that the manipulation of women and girls continues, to hypersexualise them further and further, so they believe that being a sex object is empowering and glamourous – which plays right into men’s hands.

No one has to work very hard to control or manipulate women and girls who already view themselves as sex objects to be used, abused, controlled or enjoyed by men.

The control of female fertility

The patriarchy has long sought to control the reproductive power of women. They understand that they are not capable of the reproductive process without female bodies, hence why there is more and more experimental medical research exploring how to create wombs to gestate human babies in. And more and more fetishisation of female reproductive systems, periods, pregnancy, birth and motherhood.

Before men ever achieved scientific and ideological advances such as this, they were controlling the fertility of women in other ways. Rape has long been used to impregnate women and girls, and features in thousands of years of history, art and literature. Some evolutionary theorists even suggest that rape is the act of ensuring men’s genes continue (although this is highly contested, and I do not personally agree with that theory, as it ignores social and cultural reasons for rape).

Fast forward centuries as we have both forced pregnancies and forced abortions, men putting holes in condoms on purpose, patriarchal organisations protesting birth control and constant arguments about women’s right to choose what they do with their own fertility.

Women frequently tell stories of doctors refusing to sterilise them ‘in case their husband wants more children in the future’.

Further, society seems obsessed with women’s ability to create life and give birth – leading not only to the fascination and fetishisation of women’s bodies but also to hatred towards women who make a choice not to have children, and slurs towards menopausal women and women who cannot have children which mock them for being ‘barren’ and ‘dried up’. Lesbians will have heard these slurs too when they are mocked for not wanting or being able to have children via heterosexual sexual intercourse.

If that wasn’t enough, we have an entire industry of surrogacy which literally sells access to wombs for wealthy people – in which the majority of surrogates are women in less economically developed countries, being exploited for very little in poor conditions, to have babies for someone else who cannot or does not want to. Women’s fertility is not only controlled, but it has been commodified to the point that women are being used as paid-for containers, gestators and womb-havers.

The patriarchy seeks to control women’s fertility and reproduction because it is so powerful for the continuation of life. Oppressors are not interested in whether that is in the best interests of the babies or women, but will go to great lengths to debate and control fertility at every step. Whether it is men arguing whether women should be allowed to abort a foetus, or whether it is men arguing whether we should be allowed to sell wombs for surrogacy – notice again, that it is women’s unique power that they seek to exploit and oppress here. They cannot do these things for themselves, so they must control the power of women, instead.

Imagine how many industries, narratives and structures would collapse if women were able to take full control over their fertility without the pressure, obligation, expectation or oppression of patriarchy.

The control of women in government

Globally, women are not well represented in government or leadership. No matter how many men say that we have reached equality because of women like Margaret Thatcher, Hilary Clinton and Nicola Sturgeon being in senior leadership of governments and parties – these exceptions only prove the rule. The fact that men can name a handful of female leaders means that they are rare enough exceptions to be noticed in the first place. They are abnormal. They are different to the default setting: wealthy man.

In general, women are not in control of the world at any significant level, despite making up 51% of the global population. At least, we should expect to be half of all world power. The reality is much less equal. Women make up 8% of national leaders, and within that, 2% of world presidents. Women only make up around 4% of the Fortune 500 CEOs. In the UK in 2020, women make up 5% of the FTSE 100. That’s 5 female CEOs.

Depressingly, the country with the most female CEOs in the world only has 30% female CEOs (according to global stats, 30% of CEOs in Thailand are female, the highest representation in the world). That’s not even a third.

Often, when we discuss why this trend continues into 2020, we will be met with comments about women being poor leaders, not being interested in power and being busy with motherhood and childcare (another thing you could add to the previous section). Some people also suggest that female led countries and companies would be chaos, or incompetent. This is despite significant academic research which shows that there is less corruption and bribery in female led governments, as women are less likely to take bribes and allow corruption within their governments and institutions (Swamy et al. 2003).

During COVID-19, it has been repeatedly pointed out by academics and journalists that the countries responding to and recovering from the pandemic in the safest, most ethical and most effective ways are all ran by women. Jacinda Ardern, Angela Merkel, Sanna Marin and Tsai Ing Wen have all led their countries through COVID-19 with much lower infection and death rates than countries led by men. Some have pointed out that men were often seen to create narratives around COVID that positioned the virus as ‘the enemy’ and the pandemic as a ‘war’ or ‘battle’ to ‘win’ or ‘defeat’. In contrast, female leaders have been shown to take scientific evidence and medical advice, explore responses from other countries (including South Korea) and tried to reassure and support their populations.

This only presents more questions. If women are so competent, why don’t they feature in leadership more often? Why are they so discriminated against in the workplace? Why are there so many myths and stereotypes that women are hysterical, emotional wrecks who cannot lead a company or country?

Well, having thought about this more and more, I think it’s because women hold much more power, potential and capability than they realise. Interestingly, rather than the patriarchy believing women to be weak, stupid and incapable – the opposite must be true. They know that women are smart, honest, capable and strong leaders. And so, it is of vital importance to a patriarchy to continue to reframe women as poor thinkers and leaders, to keep them away from power.

The stereotypes and myths about female leaders are not there because the patriarchy believe them to be true, but because they need everyone else to believe them to be true, so they can maintain total power. They also need women and girls to believe that they would be poor leaders, and induce imposter syndrome as early as possible – so they never attempt to buck the trend and fight for power.

The control of women in justice and justice for women

In addition to the lack of women in government, we have a similar issue in justice. Whether that is criminal or civil law, legislation, investigations or independent inquiries – women are not equally represented and in some cases, are actively oppressed.

In a world in which 97% of crime is committed by men (according to international statistics collected by the FBI in 2017), it seems odd that men also make up the majority of lawmakers, judges, police chiefs, police commissioners, legislators and senators.

Women are hugely underrepresented in crime. Women make up just over half of the world population but commit 3% of the crime. When women are imprisoned, it is largely due to non-violent offences such as possession of drugs, non-payment of council tax and financial fraud.

However, more and more data is showing that crimes committed against women are going unpunished. We know that the current conviction rate of rape is just 0.2% in the UK, leading to the current inquiries lobbied for by the Centre for Women’s Justice. We know that the femicide rate is increasing. Women killed by males has increased significantly in 2020  (33%) but murders in which males kill other males have been dropping year on year.

In power, women make up 29% of court judges. Out of 41 police and crime commissioners, 6 are female. In law firms in the UK, only 17% of them have female partners.

So why the disparity here? What would happen if women were more in control of the justice systems? The pattern should be becoming clear by now, that keeping women out of power and influence is important for the upkeep of the patriarchy. Women are significantly underrepresented in the control of justice, despite being excellent when appointed to powerful roles. Female led prisons are some of the safest and well kept facilities in the UK, for example. This year, Pia Sinha was appointed to ‘Britain’s worst prison’ and has already transformed it, hitting national headlines for her work.

As part of the mission for sex equality and female liberation from patriarchy, women should be equal in all matters of governance, justice, politics and society. Women play such a small role in justice, and certainly don’t receive justice when they require it, either. Only 13% of women even bother reporting crimes to the UK police anymore (CSEW, 2017), and when research explores why that it, it is usually because women are scared of how they will be treated or the ways in which they will be blamed (Taylor, 2020).

What would happen if women were given half of the control of the justice systems? Maybe our approaches and procedures would change? Maybe women would get more justice? Maybe less women would die after calling the police 17 times and being ignored? Maybe girls would stop being blamed by judges, lawyers and police officers when they are being sexually abused and trafficked? There is a reason that women are being kept from positions of power in the justice systems, and it is not because the patriarchy deem us to be weak or incapable.

It is because they know that more women in the system would change that system. And why would the patriarchy want that? At present, men have a 0.2% conviction rate for rape and a 8% conviction rate for domestic violence (ONS, 2019). For perpetrators of male violence, those are pretty good odds, wouldn’t you say?

The control of women’s language and spaces

For anyone keeping their eye on the current issues engulfing the mission for women’s rights and female liberation, it will have become clear that the flavour of the month in misogyny is to control the language and spaces of women. This is nothing new. Dale Spender wrote about it in the 1980s in her book ‘Man Made Language’.

However, more and more women are noticing the way governments, institutions, law enforcement and media are changing, redefining and seeking to control the free speech of women, in particular. Whether it’s the pressure to redefine women, misspell it entirely – or erase ‘woman’ completely from professional and public discourse

One of the most effective ways of stopping women and girls from taking control of their lives is to limit their language and spaces to do so. If women cannot talk about female oppression anymore, they cannot challenge it or protest. If women cannot define themselves as class of humans that need rights, support and protection, then they will not be able to secure these things. This movement is deliberate. If the word ‘woman’ begins to mean nothing (anyone can define themselves into and out of it) then the laws, legislation and policies pertaining to the advancement and equality of women will mean nothing.

Oppression intersects. We understand this fairly well. But what we don’t seem to grasp is that oppressions all tend to work and and impact in fairly similar ways. Methods of control tend to be similar (dehumanisation, dementalisation, abuse, pathologisation, criminalisation, isolation, and stigmatisation).

How is it then, that we can see this happen to one oppressed group and totally understand that they need their own movements, their own language, their own leaders and their own spaces away from and separate from the oppressor – but we cannot apply this to females as a protected group as a sex? It’s as if we do not believe this applies to women.

How come we understand and are outraged when an oppressor attempts to co-opt or exploit the oppression of one group, but cannot or will not see it when it is happening to women and girls?

Controlling women’s language and the ways in which they can meet, organise and discuss issues which affect them should be seen as a serious red flag. I mean this in two ways. The first is that this is a red flag for an extremely misogynistic and patriarchal society that does not want women and girls to be able to organise alone.

But to return to the theme of female power, the second way this is a red flag is that it should signal to us about how powerful our organisation is.

If women meeting, organising and forming groups was so powerless, futile and pathetic – why is it an issue if we choose to do so? If the oppressor does not believe that those who he oppressed have any power at all, why would it matter if lots of them joined together to relate with each other and be in each other’s company? 

The only real answer here, is that the act of women and girls meeting, teaching, debating, learning, supporting and organising in female only spaces is considered dangerous – and you are only considered dangerous if you have power. Removing our language and spaces is an attack on women everywhere, but also a sure sign that they know how powerful we are when we work together and form alliances with other women.

Final thoughts

Take this writing and think about it. We are much more powerful than we think. As women and girls, we have had a lifetime of messages telling us that we are not clever enough, strong enough, big enough, capable enough, logical enough, rational enough… And it’s all been deliberate. It’s all been bullshit.

The entire time, women have always been smart, strong, capable, competent and influential – but we have been systematically and carefully oppressed, controlled, abused, distracted, sexualised, objectified, infantilised, silenced, threatened and mocked.

The only reason this is happening is because we hold so much power and we threaten patriarchal control.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

14/08/20

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Facebook: @JessForenPsych

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Email: Jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

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Why grooming is so hard to spot: The truth

Why grooming is so hard to spot: The truth

Dr Jessica Taylor

30 June 2020

Disclaimer: I give permission for this article to be used in training courses and education, as long as my name is clearly referenced as the author. This article contains important information that can be used to influence practice, so please do use it where you can.

Content Warning: Contains discussion of grooming techniques and tactics

Over the past 10 years or so, there has been increasing interest in teaching children and women to ‘spot the signs’ of grooming. This article will explain why this approach doesn’t work, and why grooming should be reframed as a common, normal human behaviour that we all engage in.

I know, sounds horrible doesn’t it?

But if you take the time to read this article, you will see grooming in a completely different way, not only in your own life but in the lives of others you care about or work with.

My key points will be:

1. We have defined ‘grooming’ to be too narrow

2. Grooming happens constantly, to all of us, and by all of us

3. Professionals are expert groomers

4. Victims of abuse need to know that grooming is common and constant

5. Grooming is hard to ‘spot’ because we are all socialised to accept grooming in everyday life – it is unfair to expect women and children to be able to do this

Okay. Let’s get into this.

1. We have defined ‘grooming’ to be too narrow

When I say ‘grooming’, I know what image that conjures up for most people. They think, sexual abuse. They think CSE. They think gangs of men abusing girls. They think of kids being groomed online. They think of women being manipulated into abuse.

When I say ‘grooming’, they think of a slow, careful, manipulative process in which a sex offender learns more and more about their victim, builds a relationship with them, asks them questions and then sexually abuses or attacks them.

The Oxford Dictionary defines grooming as ‘the action by a paedophile of preparing a child for a meeting, especially via an Internet chat room, with the intention of committing a sexual offence.’

The NSPCC defines it as, ‘when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. Children and young people who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited or trafficked.’

The truth is, these narrow stereotypes of grooming are blinding us all from seeing the reality of how broad grooming really is.

Grooming is not specific to sexual offences at all. It’s not even specific to crime.

You can be groomed into a cult.

You can be groomed into terrorism.

You can be groomed into political ideology.

You can be groomed into domestic abuse.

You can be groomed into bullying culture.

You can be groomed into taking drugs or drinking.

You can be groomed into religion.

You can be groomed into changing your worldview or believing conspiracy theories.

You can be groomed into thinking you are mentally ill.

You can be groomed into eating disorders and body dysmorphia.

You can be groomed into hating yourself.

You can be groomed to be racist, homophobic, misogynistic or xenophobic.

As you can see, the process of grooming is about the manipulation, persuasion and control of humans. It is not specific to sexual offences at all.

By narrowly defining it, we have put our own blinkers on. We ignore the way grooming is utilised all around us. We then start to believe that grooming only happens to the most vulnerable, and that we can teach them how to spot the signs and how to stop it happening to them. But it rarely works.

2. Grooming happens constantly, to all of us, and by all of us

Some of you may be surprised to learn that you have been groomed. Statistically, many of us have been abused, so we will have been groomed by an abuser. However, the rest of us have been groomed in other ways that we have not noticed or understood.

Further, most of us have groomed another person into doing something we wanted them to do.

To understand why grooming is so hard to spot, you have to take a huge step back and look at grooming in society on a daily basis. As I go through this section, try to reframe your definition of grooming using my definition:

‘Something that someone does to someone else to convince, persuade, manipulate or control them into doing something that they want them to do (either positively or negatively).’

Grooming has been used to manipulate you every single day since you were born. You were groomed into behaving and thinking the way you do. Your social norms, beliefs, attitudes and world views were all given to you by adults with an agenda. Your parents, carers and families taught you their beliefs and behaviours. They taught you they were normal. Even if they weren’t.

Then you went to nursery or school, where the staff team groomed you into some very strange human behaviours such as going into a building where all children are dressed exactly the same way as you, sitting on the floor in silence, sitting with your legs crossed for no reason, putting your finger on your lips to show you are quiet, putting your hand up before speaking, responding to bells and buzzers to move or eat or take a break.

None of these are normal, natural human behaviours. We did not evolve to respond to bells or buzzers. We did not evolve to sit cross legged with 29 other kids dressed in the same clothes, with fingers on our lips, listening to one person explain punctuation marks. We do not actually have to raise our hand before we can physically speak. You don’t actually have to ask for permission to go to the toilet, you could have just stood up and walked out when they refused you permission to go to pee or change your sanitary pad. But you didn’t, did you?

None of these ‘rules’ are real.

They are norms, beliefs and behaviours that we are groomed to accept and take part in, using positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement.

You were groomed for your entire childhood, by everyone around you. No one escaped this process.

You are groomed into buying things you don’t even need by marketing, advertisements and product placement. You are groomed into wanting to look a certain way by fashion and pop culture. You are groomed into dieting at certain times of the year. You are groomed into buying certain stereotypical products at certain times of the year or for certain special days. You are groomed into believing that you can become rich and successful if you just ‘work harder’. You are groomed to believe that governments, authorities and big companies care about you and your family. You are groomed into upgrading your mobile phone when there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

There is constant pressure to groom you in society – to market, to profit, to manipulate, to control, to silence, to persuade, to abuse you.

This is why you can’t spot the signs of grooming. Because it is happening to you 24/7. Because society is built on grooming and groomers.

Even you have groomed someone, at some point. If you have kids, you’ve definitely done a lot of grooming. If you are religious and encourage others to believe in your faith, you’ve groomed people. If you ever persuaded someone to do something you wanted them to do (positive or negative), you groomed them. If you have sold products to people that they didn’t really need, you groomed them. If you ever convinced someone to join a club, go to do something, change something about themselves or engage in something new, you groomed them to do so.

Grooming is a common human behaviour. It is not only sex offenders who can build a rapport, persuade, manipulate and coerce someone into doing something. Most of us are capable of it. Most of us do it every day.

If you’re in a long term relationship (or have been), consider what you did or what your partner did to ‘groom’ you.

Did they buy you gifts? Flatter you? Pay attention to you? Ask you questions about yourself? Tell you that you are special? Tell you that they would never want anyone else? Did they listen to you and centre you? Did they sacrifice things for you? Did they help you or were they there for you at times of trouble? Did they tell you they would never hurt you?

Yes, they did.

Did you do any of these things as part of your relationship building?

Yes. Of course you did.

You both successfully convinced another human that you are their best option as a partner, and that you are trustworthy, safe, loving and that the relationship is worth investing in, exclusively.

3. Professionals are expert groomers

It’s not just us who are capable of grooming and need to acknowledge what we do and why it’s so difficult to spot.

Professionals are expert groomers.

(Note: Whenever I say this in a speech or in training, professionals look with absolute horror and disgust at me. A couple have walked out. Some people sit with their arms crossed, glaring at me. This concept makes everyone uncomfortable. I’m aware of that. Keep reading.)

Social workers, police officers, counsellors, psychologists, care staff, teachers etc.

We are all expert groomers. We literally go to work to groom humans into doing things we want them to do. The social worker grooms families into doing something. The police officer grooms victims into doing something. The counsellor grooms their client into trusting them to disclose their worries. The care staff groom the child or adult into letting them bathe them, care for them and live with them.

Professionals are skilled manipulators. We call it ‘building rapport’. All professionals who I know, call it by that name.

They say ‘Well, we firstly focus on ‘building rapport because none of this works if you don’t have good rapport with the person.’

And I say, ‘How do you do that?’

They reply, ‘We build their trust in us. We ask them questions about themselves, find out about them. We tell them we are here to help them. We remind them that we care about them. We tell them they can trust us. We offer them help when they need it most. We build their self esteem by paying them compliments and using positive reinforcement. We take them places they like to go. We treat the kids to Macdonald’s…’

And at that point I say, ‘So, you groom them, then?’

To which I usually get either a nervous laugh or a look of utter horror.

I spend significant amounts of my time showing professionals and leaders that their ‘rapport building’ process is the same process that a perpetrator uses to abuse and groom victims. All of those things that professionals tell me they do to ‘build rapport’ are used to ‘groom’ victims into abuse, rape, trafficking, exploitation, extremism, bullying, racism, cults, belief systems. It’s all the same shit.

I’ve spoken to professionals who also accept that they manipulate families into doing things that they don’t want to do (for example, pressuring victims to engage in a criminal prosecution process or threatening action if a mum doesn’t report her husband for domestic abuse).

These are all forms of grooming.

Why is it important for professionals to acknowledge what they are doing?

Because we trigger our clients. We mirror the perps. We make our clients feel unsafe. We cause them to back away from us.

And then we flip it on them, and say ‘they are too hard to work with’ or ‘they won’t engage’ or ‘they won’t trust any of us’.

Sound familiar, fellow professionals?

Of course it does, this is par for the course. Professionals moaning that their ‘rapport building’ didn’t work, or that they have spent months ‘building rapport’ with a child or family and they still won’t disclose or report.

Like that’s a bad thing.

The truth is, lots of victims of grooming and abuse begin to feel unsafe when professionals use similar tactics to ‘build rapport’ with them. They trigger, they disengage, but they don’t know why.

They might say things like, ‘What’s in it for you? Why are you being so nice to me? Why do you keep pretending you care about us? What do you get out of this?’

This is actually massive progress for that person. They can feel you grooming them. They don’t like it. They are questioning your motives and agenda. They are wondering why you are putting so much effort into building rapport with them.

I teach professionals that you should start to see this as positive. This is a person beginning to process what grooming feels like – and beginning to critically analyse grooming behaviours. They don’t trust you, because you mirror the abuser. They haven’t figured that out yet, because grooming is so socially embedded and normalised, that they will rarely pinpoint exactly what is making them uncomfortable. But that’s what is happening there. The brain remembers the feeling. Remembers the betrayal and the manipulation.

Which brings me to my next point.

4. Victims of abuse need to know that grooming is common and constant

No matter who they are, or what age they are, people who have been subjected to any form of abuse or oppression – need to know what I’ve just taught you about grooming in society.

They need to know that they are subjected to grooming at all levels of society, at all times, by all people. They need to understand that grooming makes the world go round.

Why?

I have one main reason for arguing this point:

Because it reduces self-blame.

You see, we have created a disgusting narrative that victims of abuse ‘should have seen the signs’. We create national campaigns and we issue guidance about ‘how to spot the signs of grooming’. We do this, even to 5 year old kids.

We create ‘programmes of work’ with children, adolescents and adult victims about ‘keeping themselves safe by learning to spot the signs of grooming and exiting the abuse’.

What a load of shit.

How is this possible in a world in which grooming is a 24/7 experience?

It causes feelings of self blame, because in effect, we are blaming victims for not spotting the signs of grooming and not ‘protecting themselves’ from it.

Many victims of abuse question themselves and ask, ‘How didn’t I spot it? Why didn’t I know? How could I be so stupid?’

You’re not stupid, you’re normal.

Not even professionals can spot groomers. Not even the police. None of us can. We miss millions of them every year, even when the evidence is staring us in the face.

Professionals are no better at spotting the signs of grooming than the general public are, hence why professionals are just as likely to be in abusive relationships as anyone else. They are literally going to work, telling victims to ‘spot the signs’ and then going home to an abusive partner who subjects them to abuse every day and they can’t see it themselves. That’s normal.

We have professionals within our own teams who are abusing clients – and can we see it? Nope. When it comes out we all say, ‘Oh my word! What a shock. We would never have suspected them!’

Uhuh, so we can’t spot it, but we think 10 year old Kacy can, if she just does this worksheet and watches this video. Got it.

Further, even if you can see that you are being groomed, that doesn’t mean you have the power to escape, does it?

We have to have this conversation with everyone, because people need to know that it was never their fault that they couldn’t ‘spot the signs’ of grooming. No one can. It’s a myth.

5. Grooming is hard to ‘spot’ because we are all socialised to accept grooming in everyday life – it is unfair to expect children and women to be able to do this

My final point is about the huge injustice in expecting people (mainly women and children) to be able to spot the signs of grooming and then exit that process as if there is no power dynamic.

As this article has shown, grooming is embedded into the fabric of society. It’s not just common, it’s integral to several systems of control, marketing and authority.

We are all groomed to do things (things we might want, and things we might not want). We are groomed to do things that are not in our best interests. We are groomed to spend our money on things we don’t need. We are groomed into relationships. We are groomed into power structures. We are groomed into belief systems and world views. We are groomed into behaviours and norms that make no sense or have no purpose.

It is wholly unfair to expect anyone to be able to spot grooming for abuse, when it simply mirrors every other grooming process in the world.

We are placing standards on to people that we can’t even live up to. I can’t spot the signs of abusers in my life and I’ve been doing this for 11 years. Anyone who claims to be able to ‘spot an offender’ is a liar, and has a dangerous level of self-confidence.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve have feelings about some perps and I turned out to be right, but there is no way it was anything more than chance. Statistically, we are all surrounded by abusers. We probably each know 10-20 abusers. You’ll probably never know who most of them are.

Every time I’ve got one right, I’ve probably missed others. That why I try to educate as many people as possible about the realities of grooming, and the myth that we can spot the signs.

And if we can’t spot the signs, why are we going into schools telling children to spot the signs? Why are we telling women and girls to spot the signs of a rapist or abuser? Why are we ‘teaching’ kids that that should have spotted the signs?

We should never expect victims of abuse and grooming to know what is happening to them, or expect them to be able to escape.

I believe that what I am saying about grooming should be taught and shared everywhere. We need to change the conversation about grooming – and look at it as a huge social behaviour that is exploited and used by many types of abusers and manipulators. Narrowly defining it as grooming kids online for sexual abuse is missing the point by a country mile. We can’t tackle something if we can’t even see the scale of it.

If you have any questions about this article, give me a shout.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

Tweet: @DrJessTaylor

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JessicaForenPsych

Buy my books: victimfocus-resources.com

Visit my website: victimfocus.org.uk

Email: jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Disclaimer: I give permission for this article to be used in training courses and education, as long as my name is clearly referenced as the author. This article contains important information that can be used to influence practice, so please do use it where you can.

To my radical feminist sisters

To my radical feminist sisters around the world,

I am writing this open letter to all of you to uplift you and to remind you of your strength. Our strength.

Dale Spender wrote in 1986 that with every wave of feminism, comes a backlash of misogyny. The first wave feminists who were killed, tortured, abused, humiliated, force fed and beaten, changed the world for women, forever. As their power grew, the backlash grew.

As women found each other, loved each other and stood together, men in the patriarchy created disgusting, ugly public caricatures of them as witches, barren, old, haggard and hated. The point of this strategy was two-fold: to break their spirits and to hold them up as an example to the other women – of what would happen to them if they dared to join the suffragettes. Women pushed on. They fought for us. They gained our voting rights and property rights. They did this at huge personal cost, and at the time, they were hated viscerally and openly.

In the second wave of radical feminism in the 1960s onwards, women joined arms once again. The second wavers, many of which are still here with us (love and respect to you all, we owe you incredible amounts), progressed and achieved more than we realise. Our second wave sisters gave us rape support centres, domestic violence refuges, women’s shelters, single sex spaces, equality law, changes in divorce and custody law, feminist consciousness raising, feminist groups and contraception. Women in the second wave threw light on the way women were being discriminated against in every aspect of their personal and public lives. They continued the work of the first wave, by publicly and intelligently criticising and challenging the male establishment. They did this despite constant portrayals as man-hating, controlling, abusive, ugly, childless lesbians.

As you can probably see, there is a pattern forming here.

Our current feminism is not much different. The old stereotypes of us are still raging on from 100 years ago. Men still mock us for being feminists and concerned with women’s rights. The memes look exactly like the old suffragette postcards. Shit has not changed one fuckin bit.

We have again made massive strides, although we are more divided these days. As radical feminists, our purpose is to remain dedicated to the liberation of all women and girls from oppression around the world. This means rejecting white, upper class feminism which confines feminism to big words and protected bookshelves of academics and philosophers. It means debating with and often disagreeing with, liberal feminism. It means calling out misogyny within feminism, and misogyny that parades as feminism. Over time, uneducated onlookers have become annoyed and confused. Women are expected to club together and be homogenous. The fact that our feminism differs so much is the source of much amusement to men who don’t understand a jot of feminism. Of course, women are all so simple, that we must all agree.

This also means that we need to stand our ground as the next wave of misogyny hits us and attempts to push us back. Feminism is taking a real battering at the moment. Women who comply with the abuse and ridicule of feminists are rewarded with temporary protection from misogyny. People who publicly attack women are congratulated and awarded.

With every wave of feminism, there is a wave of woman-hate. We are more powerful than we have ever been, we are more connected than we have ever been, more educated than we have ever been and better resourced than ever.

The backlash and the upsurge of misogyny is heavy because we are making such collective progress. Women have platforms. We are talking about rape, domestic abuse, child sexual exploitation, trafficking, femicide, FGM, harassment, pay gaps, rights, and gender role stereotypes. Society is listening. Society is watching. 

Every time we speak out, write a blog, make a video or sit on a panel, we influence another woman or girl to realise the strength she really has. The power she really has. Don’t ever underestimate the power of your influence as a strong female role model. Whatever position you take up as a radical feminist role model, you will change so many lives.

The misogyny will continue to hit us because we continue to push forward. We have bigger platforms than we have ever had. This means thousands of men have access to us, and can abuse us with ease. It is clear from the violence and abuse we are subjected to online, that the crimes committed against all of us every single day; are being ignored. Many of us are told that the abuse we are subjected to is simply a consequence of being ‘in the public eye’ or ‘having radical feminist views’.

It’s frankly amazing how people have conceptualised radical feminism over the years. We’ve been branded as the crazies. Likened to genocidal dictators, murderers and serial paedophiles. The character assassination continues. We scare them because we stand firm and because we are not ashamed of our commitment to women and girls’ rights.

It paints a bleak picture. Or does it?

Are you not surrounded by radical feminists? Are you not able to read this blog? Are you not able to meet with your sisters online?

Do you see the activism around you? The lobbying and arguing and campaigning and world-changing?

Every woman has the power to make a change, whether that is small or huge. We must continue to talk to girls about radical feminism, and the incredible progress we have made since our first wave sisters stuck their necks out. Don’t allow radical feminism to become a dirty phrase again. Don’t succumb to pressure. 

Do not throw women under the bus because it protects you for a little longer. Do not stay silent whilst your sisters around the world are oppressed and murdered. Do not laugh along as men abuse and oppress women, thinking, ‘That will never be me.’

Use your strength. Use your resources. Platform women and girls. Protect them, support them, influence them and inspire them. Be the woman you needed to look up to as a girl.

Radical feminists are hated for two reasons:

  1. We unapologetically centre women and girls in our feminism, and we have no interest in bending to the pressure of patriarchal values or norms
  2. We are women

That’s pretty much it. People will come up with many different bullshit reasons why we are such disgusting women, but every one of them smacks of the same shit thrown at our first wave and second wave sisters. Stop feeding into it. See it for what it is. It’s recycled misogyny from 100 years ago because they can’t think of anything else to say or do to us.

This is about collectively and individually reframing us as the old, haggard, witches, bitches, mad, hysterical, evil, childless lesbians who hate men and want them all to die. They have nothing else left. They personally attack us because they have nothing else.

This is what happens when women attempt to do something for each other – men are so entitled and so accustomed to being centred, that they cannot handle being sidelined for a bit whilst we focus on the oppression of women and girls. See it as nothing more than a tantrum. Whataboutery in all its pathetic beige, beardy, boring, repetitive ‘glory’.

Women can hate us too. I see them. I see them often. The ‘egalitarians’ who hate feminism. The ‘feminists’ who tell us to go kill ourselves, die in a fire or call for our resignations. The women who internalise misogyny, use it against themselves whilst attacking other women for the oppression they are subjected to. The women who rush to the aid of the NAMALT crew. It really is incredulous that those women would use all of the rights, powers, voices and platforms that they have because radical feminists gave it to them over the last 100 years – to bully and abuse radical feminists. Irony doesn’t even touch the sides of that one.

The deeper irony being, that we will all keep fighting for their rights, even if they hate us. Even if those women say they don’t need feminism. Even if they say they hate feminism. Even if they say they don’t want those rights. Even if we disagree with them. We have been protecting women and girls (even the ones we don’t like) for decades.

I know how hard it is right now. I see so many of you struggling, giving up, getting tired and being abused. I see you trying to thicken your skin to face another day talking about the most basic shit, because you know you will have another day of abuse and threats. I see society get more and more misogynistic every day. I watch as some of the world’s biggest abusers and misogynists run our countries, royalty and governments.

My sisters, you are the force that the world needs right now. Every time you take a stand, you do something brilliant. You are a raging fire.

Women’s anger is pathologised because it is so powerful. We do not use our power to commit millions of murders and rapes each year. We do not use our power for worldwide warfare and genocide. We do not use it to dick-measure with our nuclear weapons. We do not use it to exploit developing countries. We use it to change the world. We use it to challenge the system. We use it to support other women. We use it to relentlessly defend our human rights. We use it to write essays and blogs that start debates and conversations. We set up conferences and groups. We create charities and grassroots projects.

We are the powerhouse that the world ignores but always expects us to be there to look after the kids and clean up after the men.

I want to remind you that the shit being thrown at us is disgusting, violent and abusive because it has a purpose: to silence and intimidate the most powerful female voices we have.

What people seem to forget is that within our radical feminism, we are made up of some of the strongest women in the world. We are refugees and asylum seekers, we are single mothers, we are trafficking survivors, we are women fighting cancer, we are women who have been beaten, raped, abused, strangled, tortured, imprisoned and discriminated against. We are ex-sex workers and women who have escaped prostitution. We are lesbians. We are activists, we are lawyers, we are academics, we are police officers, we are social workers, we are politicians, we are writers and performers, we are business owners and consumers. We are politically and economically active. We are voters. We have all lived through shit that people cannot even begin to imagine. We are living, breathing and dying in this feminism.

They cannot extinguish the fire we have set alight. The only reason they seek to weaken us, is because they recognise our power.

Now, you need to recognise your power, too.

Get back up, focus on your feminism and your love of women and girls, and get back to work. There is so much to do. Do not allow the accusations of hatred and abuse blur your vision. We know we don’t hate minority groups. We know we do not engage in transphobia. We know we don’t abuse and hate those who are different to us. We know we do not align with or support right wing, racist, homophobic groups who proclaim to be feminists and radical thinkers. These accusations are set ups. Deliberate conflations to encourage the hatred of feminists.

Radical feminism is the liberation of women and girls from the global oppression that is the patriarchy. Gender role stereotypes have oppressed and harmed us for so long. We have been minimised, ignored, gaslit, abused, attacked and silenced for so long. Yet, we are still here running the rape centres, the shelters, the helplines, the support groups, the women’s services, the households, the families, the communities and the female-led companies.

But we will keep going.

Millions of women and girls rely upon the work we do, whether we do it silently, covertly or publicly and loudly.

In sisterhood,

Dr Jessica Taylor

Psychologist

VictimFocus 

Email: Jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Website: www.victimfocus.org.uk

Tweet: @DrJessTaylor

Fbook: www.facebook.com/JessicaForenPsych

To all the women in relationships with men, wondering if they are lesbians

I’ve never been one to shy away from a topic, or to hide a part of myself. Or so I told myself.

I feel strongly that to be a leader of any kind, we must be transparent and authentic. That means talking about when you are successful – and when you fail. It means talking about when you are certain – and when you are uncertain.

It means being brave and being vulnerable. It means telling your truth so that others can find their truth.

It’s in this spirit that I write this blog about coming out as lesbian later on in life, and how many women have written to me since I came out. Women have asked me hundreds of questions about their own sexuality, and it seems that my choice to be with a woman has sparked something in themselves.

It’s left some women questioning themselves, their own sexuality and their marriages. This appears to be extremely common, with a Cosmo poll finding that 92% of women have questioned their sexuality.

I wanted to create this blog to answer some common questions – but they are answered from my own opinion and experiences. I do not position myself as an expert in sexuality or in lesbianism here. There are much better and more experienced advocates and voices on this than me.

I have however, tried to use my expertise in psychology, women’s oppression, trauma and relationships to answer some of these questions.

My experience

Last year, I left my marriage to a man because I was very unhappy and because I had slowly realised I was lesbian. I had realised I was attracted to girls when I was 11 years old and had messed around with girls for most of my teen years, however, I was also living in abuse and trauma for most of those years, and never got the chance to explore how I felt about those girls. The girls I did see or spent time with sort of felt like illicit secrets that I could never tell anyone about. Whereas everyone normalised the male abuse and ‘relationships’ with older boys and men. Over time, I think I just normalised the abuse, the attention from men and whilst I longed for girls, I never told anyone. I had never met a lesbian, I had no female role models who were bisexual or lesbian. It was way before social media. I never even thought to google it. I was too busy surviving every day, taking drugs and drinking.

Fast forward 17 years, I was 28, I had two children, married to a man who hated me, I was miserable, I was ill, I was stressed and I couldn’t ever feel true happiness. I threw myself into work and studying, I still didn’t know why I never felt fulfilled. It didn’t matter what I achieved in life, I never felt whole. I was still aware that I was attracted to women, but I had never processed it. That was, until I realised I had fallen in love with my best friend, and she had spontaneously told me she had fallen in love with me. We then went through what I can only describe as hell on earth to redefine our own lives, leave male partners, explore what we were supposed to do, talk for hours on end about what we wanted to do and how to find who we were.

We had to reframe so much of what we thought we knew about ourselves, and that’s an ongoing process. Thankfully, we were very close friends who had spoken in depth about many different topics for years, so it’s been fairly easy to navigate these complex feelings and experiences together. We’ve had the benefit of leaning on lesbians around us who have guided us and supported us when we’ve struggled.

We never really did the whole ‘coming out as gay’ thing. We just decided to be open about being in our relationship. I think some people thought we were joking at first, because we were friends. People realised fairly quickly that we weren’t joking.

We moved in together, something we longed to do and had often ‘joked’ about. In January this year we proposed to each other having commissioned rings for each other without the other one knowing.

Generally, people have been supportive. We’ve been subjected to a lot of online abuse and there have been some people around us who have outed themselves as homophobes but overall, we both think this is the best decision we ever made.

However, since then, many women have contacted me privately to tell me that they are lesbian too, and stuck in a heterosexual marriage or relationship. I am writing this blog for them. I want to answer some of the most common questions women have asked me in the last year.

Aren’t we supposed to be born gay or lesbian?

This is contested. There is no scientific consensus around this – and thousands of people realise they are gay, lesbian or bisexual later on in life. A recent large scale study reported in the Scientific American found that there was no single cause or gene for sexual orientation.

Sexuality is better viewed as individual and personal to you, rather than being down to a gene, or a part of your brain, or the way you were born, or purely socially constructed. It’s probably like many human issues – a mixture of genes, experience, socialisation and individual difference.

If you are a woman wondering why your sexuality might have changed over time, please don’t worry or feel scared. You also don’t have to be sure about your sexuality at any point in your life. There are no rules you have to follow. You might not ever want to label who you are. Realising that you are lesbian might really help to process your thoughts, experiences and feelings.

However, if you have noticed that you are now much more attracted to women than men, and you are starting to feel trapped in heterosexuality, you need to explore those feelings and listen to yourself.

What if I just don’t fancy men anymore because I was raped/abused and I need to find the right guy?

We’ve been asked this one a lot. At the end of the day, sexuality is about who you are attracted to. No matter what you think the reason might be, you don’t need to justify your sexual orientation.

Plenty of women are abused by men and their sexuality doesn’t change. However, some women are abused by men and then decide either that they never want sexual contact with men again, or that they find they are more attracted to women over time.

This again, is a contentious issue – mainly because people worry that if we acknowledge this change in sexuality can exist, abusers and oppressors will use it to claim we can change the sexuality of gay and lesbian people with conversion therapy.

This is a real danger, and I can see why people therefore deny that you can become gay or lesbian later on in life, but by denying it, we only invalidate thousands of real people and their real experiences.

The reality here, however hard it is to swallow, is that lots of women who have been abused, raped, trafficked, sold, harmed and oppressed will be more attracted to other women than they ever will be to men.

However, there are also many lesbians who have been lesbian for as long as they can remember (whether they have ever been abused by a man or not) and have never been attracted to men. It doesn’t appear to me that being raped or abused by men is a causal factor in sexuality.

Your trauma is important, but it’s not necessarily central to your sexuality. If it was, over a third of all women would be lesbian – because over a third of all women have been abused by a man.

I know in my case, I was attracted to girls by 11 years old, but my life took a very different journey and I was never able to explore that safely, so I didn’t. I repressed it (badly) for 17 years before I allowed myself the safe space to process how I really felt. Which leads to the next question that women have been asking me…

Why have I always fancied women but not connected the dots til now?

I think this one is about sexualisation and objectification of women, compulsory heterosexuality and misogyny.

Lots of women are sexually attracted to other women, but we also live in a society that deliberately objectifies and sexualises women and girls – so it’s easy to think that rather than being lesbian, you’re actually just ‘admiring her’ or ‘want to be like her’.

It’s also common for women to objectify and dehumanise sexualised women in porn and media – the impact is not limited to men and boys.

Because of this constant stream of sexualised images and portrayals of women, it might be harder for women to realise that they are actually sexually attracted to women because they are lesbian, rather than just ‘liking’ the images they see.

You might ask yourself, ‘Am I truly sexually attracted to women, or do I just objectify them?’

This level of critical thinking is extremely important and reflective, but it’s a bit harsh on yourself. This is a standard not applied to men, who are encouraged and allowed to objectify and sexualise women. If you’re attracted to women, you’re attracted to women. Straight people are not attracted to people of the same sex, no matter what. If you’re a woman who is sexually attracted to other women, you are not straight.

The same society that sexualises women also maintains thats heterosexuality is the norm, and that women and girls are supposed to want attention from men. We are all socialised this way, and women are often mocked, humiliated, abused for, and even measured by, their attractiveness to men and whether men want to sleep with them.

The world expects women to want men, expects girls to want boys – and socialisation is a very strong norm. It’s amazing how much young lesbians go through to be themselves and to be attracted to other girls whilst ignoring the noise of the world telling them that they are supposed to like boys.

This is even more prominent for young butch lesbians who are not only not conforming to heterosexuality but also rejecting femininity which is forced on to girls from birth.

There are a great many reasons why you might have fancied women and girls all your life but never realised that you’re lesbian (or bisexual). Because of the homophobia and misogyny in our society, it’s common for women who fancy women to repress their feelings or minimise them. Like me, you might have never been in a safe enough space (mentally or physically) to process your real sexual orientation, and repressing it might have been the only thing your brain could do for you.

Add in the amount of performative lesbian snogs that celebrities do and how lesbianism is repeatedly sold as a male porn fantasy and you can see how confusing it might be for some women to realise they are lesbian and that their sexual attraction to women is real and nothing to be scared or ashamed of.

Why do I feel jealous of lesbian couples?

If this is you, pay attention to this feeling. I’ve spoken to several women who are in relationships with men who feel this way and are starting to question why they get this pang of jealousy or longing when they see lesbian couples.

There is a real difference between looking at a lesbian couple and thinking, ‘Ah, they look lovely together and so happy’ and thinking ‘Why can’t I have that? I want that with a woman.’

If you feel jealousy, longing, upset or trapped when you look at lesbian couples, you might want to consider why that is.

Do lesbian couples represent something you feel is missing from your own life?

Do you feel trapped in your own relationship with a man?

Do you wish you were them?

Do you wish you had the opportunity to be with a woman?

Do you see yourself with a woman when you picture your ideal life?

Pay attention to those feelings, they are very important. Talk to someone you can trust about this.

Should I leave my marriage to a man and come out as lesbian this late in life?

This is a very personal decision and something you need to spend time considering. Mainly because to make this decision, you have to accept a degree of ‘selfishness’. Of course, you are not actually selfish when you realise you are lesbian and married to man whom you might love and respect but you are not interested in at all – but it will feel like selfishness.

This is because women and girls are socialised to put everything and everyone above their own needs and desires. I have spoken to lesbians who left male partners and who had children, who felt that they were turning everyone else’s lives upside down ‘just so they could be lesbian’.

That’s society talking. That’s feminine socialisation talking.

It is okay for you to want more from your life. If you have realised that you are lesbian, you can’t live a lie for the rest of your life just to please others and keep them comfortable.

Whilst it might mean you live out the rest of your days with a comfortable family life, you will live a half-life where you continue to lie to yourself and to everyone around you.

Long term, that’s not healthy for you and it’s not fair on you as a human, to have to live in such a state of denial for such a long time.

The other side of this is that if you respect and love your partner, and you have realised you are lesbian, he might deserve to know this. If he’s a decent guy who has loved and supported you (never hurt, abused, controlled, oppressed, cheated on you) then he deserves to know that you’re not attracted to him, that you are lesbian and that you don’t want to be with him anymore.

It means that he can pursue a relationship with someone who makes him happy and so can you.

If however, he’s an abusive arsehole, I couldn’t give a shit about him. All I would care about is you being away from abuse, being happy, being safe and being able to live as a lesbian.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore your feelings hoping that they will go away, or that you can pretend they don’t happen.

Lord knows I ended up so ill doing this to myself for years. Almost all of my health problems have disappeared since being able to live as a lesbian, and I can’t believe how much damage I was doing to myself by repressing who I was.

I love the man I’m with, but I don’t fancy him at all. I love him like a best friend or brother. I fancy women. What do I do?

The issue here is that some women will be in loving, caring, safe relationships with men they trust and respect – but they don’t fancy them at all. And they aren’t ‘in love’ with them like they would be with a woman.

If this is you, you might be feeling really conflicted – and this is understandable.

However, there is something really important to say here: it’s not healthy to keep forcing yourself to be intimate with a man when you know you are lesbian.

I’ve recently spoken to a lot of women who are in relationships with men, have realised they are lesbian and are either avoiding intimate contact all together, or they are having sexual contact with their boyfriend or husband that they really don’t want.

If you don’t fancy men at all, and you’re attracted to women, you might be realising that you’ve had a lot of sex over the years that you really didn’t want or enjoy.

If you think of other things, try to distract yourself, try to get it over with as quickly as possible, or sex with your male partner makes you feel uncomfortable or even disgusted, you might want to take some time to consider how much harm you are doing to yourself by forcing or expecting yourself to ‘perform’ heterosexuality when you aren’t sexually attracted to him.

This is another example of where you need to put yourself no matter how it feels. It’s not good for any lesbian woman to keep pretending she’s straight. However, this is much easier said than done for thousands of lesbian women in cultures, communities and religions that would ostracise, harm or even kill them for leaving a marriage to a man to come out as lesbian.

But what about coming out as lesbian after I’ve had children with a man?

This one is an interesting question and is largely related to everything else I have said. It is not uncommon for women to realise they are lesbian in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and even later on in life. On that basis, lots of us will have already had pregnancies or had babies. Some of us might have toddlers or small children. Some of us might even have adult children by then.

This doesn’t make you less of a lesbian. It doesn’t mean you can’t be lesbian because you have had children and have had sex with men (consensual or abusive).

If your sexuality is now that you are solely attracted to other women, and you are no longer attracted to men at all, then you are lesbian.

From speaking to plenty of women, there are also those who got pregnant with abusive or coercive men, or had babies very young, and had never had the chance to process their own sexuality in a safe way. This means that lots of women who have had children eventually realise they are not even attracted to men, have been attracted to women for years, but have already had children.

This is more common than you think, so please don’t feel alone if this is you.

Final thoughts

I am already accused of trying to ‘turn straight women lesbian’ every day on the internet so I am well aware of the abuse I will probably get for writing this. However, I know I searched for information like this in my mid twenties and found very little. I know that other women are writing to me, DMing me and asking me these questions every week.

I know that me coming out and being so much happier with a woman has sparked something in many women who follow me.

I want you to know that life is so much healthier and happier now that I am able to be who I have always been. I won’t pretend this has been easy, and the abuse for being lesbian is horrible.

I’m still getting used to the weird ways men treat lesbians – somewhere between sexual objectification and outright hatred.

However, I am the calmest, healthiest, happiest and clearest I’ve ever been. I feel whole, which is something I have never felt before. I often say to people that I’ve felt like I’ve been running on a treadmill for years, and suddenly, the running has stopped and I can breathe again.

What I will say is that if you are searching for this kind of information because you find yourself attracted to women, there is a part of you that already knows you are probably lesbian.

This isn’t anything to be scared of. Being a lesbian is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and thousands of other women who find so much happiness living with, and loving other women.

Take some time to explore how you feel and use this handy checklist if you are still questioning yourself:

1. Do you notice women before you notice men?

2. When you watch a film, are you more attracted to the female character than the male character?

3. Do you prefer to see or watch sexual materials with women than men?

4. Have you been attracted to or had a crush on a girl or woman you know?

5. Have you been having sex with men in which you just ‘bare it’ or ‘wait til he’s done’?

6. Have you thought about women when you have masturbated or had sex?

7. Have you sought out materials about being lesbian or bisexual?

8. Can you picture yourself having sex with or having a relationship with another woman? How does it feel?

9. How would you feel if a beautiful woman told you she was attracted to you?

10. Do you want to have sex with women?

Whatever your answers, if you have found this blog because you are questioning whether you are lesbian, consider talking to someone you really trust. Talking it through with someone you trust, or even talking it through with other lesbians might help you process your own feelings.

Dr Jessica Taylor

Tweet: @DrJessTaylor

Facebook: Facebook.com/JessicaForenPsych

Email: jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

20 signs your boyfriend or husband is a misogynist

Featured

10th April 2020

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

The thing about lockdown is that it will be causing reflection and in some cases, forcing some very uncomfortable thinking to take place.

You might be missing loved ones, but you might also be starting to realise that you are in a relationship with a misogynist. This blog is to help women and girls think about whether they are in a relationship with a misogynist and consider the impact it may be having on you.

Before I give you the signs to look out for, let me explain what I mean by ‘misogynist’ or ‘misogyny’.

Misogyny is officially defined in dictionaries as:

‘The hatred of women including prejudice and contempt for women and girls. Misogyny can also include the belief that females are inferior humans to males.’

There has been a concerted effort to minimise and delegitimize the concept and language of ‘misogyny’.

When we discuss the reality and impact of misogyny, we are now met with accusations that misogyny is a myth dreamt up by feminist and ‘social justice warriors’.

The word ‘misogyny’ comes from two words. ‘Misos’ meaning hatred and ‘gune’ meaning woman. In the mid-17th century, it began to be used as ‘misogyny’ to mean the hatred of women. 400 years later, the definition has not changed, and we continue to discuss the global phenomenon linked to sexism – the hatred of females.

To people who have never considered this before, the concept of people hating 51% of the global population probably seems unlikely or farfetched. However, as my new book will and many other books about violence against women and girls already have shown, there are thousands of examples of the constant, enduring ways we hate, harm, control, abuse and kill women and girls all over the world and throughout history.

Misogyny is displayed in so many direct and indirect ways. Sometimes they are obvious, and sometimes they are hidden in seemingly benevolent messages and beliefs about women, men and social roles.

Misogyny has existed in several forms for thousands of years. Aristotle wrote that women were ‘inferior, incomplete, deformed versions of men’ (Freeland, 1994). Ancient Greek mythology contains many examples of misogyny, in which stories are told that the world was a peaceful and balanced place until Gods created women. However, later Greek literature generally considered misogyny to be a disease, as it contradicted all natural and social aims and norms to hate women and girls.

Second wave feminists tend to argue that misogyny is both the cause and the result of patriarchal control.

If you notice any of the following in your relationship or in the man you are with, you are living with a misogynist or someone who hold misogynistic views.

He tends to make comments about women being incapable, stupid or weak

He might make comments directly, indirectly or as ‘jokes’. He might like posts, watch shows or listen to speakers who consistently talk shit about women and girls. He might suggest that women are shit drivers, are too weak to perform certain tasks, are incapable of leadership etc.

He’s sees female equality as some tokenistic ‘woke’ bullshit

He makes comments about female world leaders, CEOs or female sports stars that suggest he believes they are only there because we have to play along with equality and pretend that women can do things as well as men.

He expresses a real distaste or anger towards female politicians and leaders

He might suggest they only got to where they are because they’ve slept with men or because of what they look like. He might talk about female leaders and politicians dress, body shape, face, appearance and behaviour in a way that is not relevant to him in male leaders and politicians

He doesn’t support or like you working or earning decent money

He is grumpy, annoyed, distant or offensive about your money. It might be that you’ve recently got a new job, had a pay rise or been promoted. It might be that you’ve gone back to work after having children and now have your own income source that he no longer controls. He has no interest in the things you are saving for and he doesn’t value anything you have paid for. In contrast, anything he is saving for or has paid for is the most amazing and kindest most generous thing ever to happen to anyone.

He uses phrases like ‘don’t be such a woman’ or ‘like a little bitch’ or ‘he’s a pussy’

The badge of the misogynist – his constant use of female as an insult. Every time he uses these phrases and phrases like it, what he’s really saying is that there is nothing more offensive than being female. Pussy is an insult because it’s female. Bitch is an insult because it’s female. ‘Don’t be a woman’ is an insult because he’s suggesting that being a woman is something to be ashamed of.

He expects you to be his mother and his housekeeper

Yeah. You’re supposed to look after him, mother him, cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry for him, keep his diary for him, remember his mother’s birthday for him, remind him of your own birthday, sort all the bills, write all the Christmas cards, advise him (though he rarely takes your advice), listen to him moan and so on and so forth. Your role is basically his constant servant, to fulfil his needs in every way possible at all times.

Sort of like a mother. Who he wants to shag.

Freud would have a field day. Wait? Didn’t Freud…?

He wants sex when he wants it, on his terms, how he wants it

Sex with him is sort of like an obligation, when you don’t want it, he gets angry with you. He has sex the way he wants, sex is not about your pleasure or about what you want. You rarely orgasm or you fake it so he feels fulfilled because he couldn’t handle knowing he’s so bad in bed. He sometimes withholds intimacy as a punishment. He wakes you up in the night wanting sex. He doesn’t take no for an answer. He might talk you into it when you don’t really want it. He might think he’s the most amazing guy in bed ever – and make sex all about his performance rather than your experience.

(NB – if any of these are true for you, this is sexual abuse and rape, and he’s not just a misogynist.)

If he does any ‘woman’s work’ he wants some sort of medal for it

He prides himself on hoovering once or cleaning the kitchen that weekend. But you didn’t hear the last of it for months.

He doesn’t really like or want to do any housework or childcare because he suggests to you that’s it’s your job, and he has important man things to do, like work and play on the Xbox. If he does help around the house and look after the kids, he wants constant praise and thanks for it. If you forget to thank him one hundred times a week, you are told you are ungrateful.

Alternatively, he does quite a lot of housework but reminds you of how good he is for doing stuff you ‘should’ be doing. He might do this in a subtle manner or literally tell you that he’s a good man because he does housework/childcare.

He puts you down

About anything. Your friends. Your hobbies. Your skills. Your interests. Your talents. Your appearance. Your family. Your accent. Your ideas. Your studies. Your opinions. Your dreams. Anything. He’s doing that because he’s weak as fuck and he wants you to feel as weak as him. He can’t stand that you are an independent human.

All his exes are ‘psychos’

Red flag alert. If all his exes are ‘psycho liars’ – you’re in danger. If every word he says about his exes is to convince you that they are all mad as shit and made his life hell, he’s trying to discredit them for some reason. He wants you to believe they are all crazy because he’s a misogynist who thinks angry, upset women are all psycho. He wants you to hate them, but why?

Think about it. Why would he want you to hate a stranger? And if his exes are angry and hurt by him, find out why. Not from him.

He’s like Jekyll and Hyde

One of the things you might notice is that he’s like two different people. He’s one person to you but a complete actor to everyone else. He speaks to you and treats you in ways he would never treat his friends. You might also notice he’s like this with his mother. He might be lovely to her face but absolutely vile behind her back. Or he might be absolutely vile to his mother whilst telling everyone what an amazing mother he has. Watch out for this one.

He literally believes he is a gift to women

The thing is with men who hate women, is that they also want to be desired by women. They think they are the best you will ever get, they might even tell you that. They might tell you they could leave you and get another woman very quickly whereas you would end up alone because no one will want you. He describes himself as the perfect partner and often lists all the amazing qualities about himself. He makes you feel like he is the only man who will ever look twice at you – but that women are crawling all over him and you’re lucky to have him.

He engages in benevolent sexism but dresses it up as respect for women

Red flag for a misogynist – they dress up their sexism by making it sound like concern or respect for women. Examples include ‘I’ll get that door for you’ or ‘women shouldn’t be carrying heavy items’ or ‘the army is no place for a lady’ or ‘women shouldn’t be exposed to lad culture’. He’s saying you’re not his equal. Women are less than him.

He doesn’t like you being praised or celebrated

Watch out for this one. Does he get moody or annoyed when people are happy for you or telling you how great you are? When someone thanks you or supports you, does he say they are ‘up your ass’ or ‘probably want something from you’? Does he get angry if others tell you you have talent or skill?

You might notice that he claims to be proud of you but it feels shallow or fake. That’s because it is.

He takes your ideas and passes them off as his own

Of course he does. He’s a misogynist. He can’t bear the idea of you thinking something before him or better than him.

He only helps with the kids in front of people

Ugh. This one is so disgusting. The way he leaves you to cope with the kids or baby for hours on your own until his parents show up and then he’s superdad. When they leave he’s back to ordering you around. He knows what he’s doing. He’s keeping up appearances. The way he calls it ‘helping with the kids’ like he’s doing you a favour.

He will get annoyed when you talk about misogyny and sexism because he doesn’t think it really exists anymore

No explanation needed here. He’s a misogynist.

He hates feminism and thinks women’s rights are a joke

Any man who hates feminism is a red flag for misogyny. What man who loves and respects other humans would not want equal rights for women and the end of oppression of women? If he doesn’t want that, there’s something wrong with him. He claims men are more oppressed than women and that feminism is man-hate. He thinks feminists are all disgusting, ugly, spinsters or lesbians. He’s a misogynist.

He may try to play you off against other women

He wants you to be insecure – he wants you in direct competition with other women or his exes. Worse, you might even feel that you’re in competition with his mother. It might be that he tells you other women are better than you. It might be more subtle than that. Maybe sometimes he brings up how amazing he thinks other women are whilst treating you like you’re stupid and worthless.

The last point is that he may actually learn over time not to show any of these behaviours or views. Despite this, he might still be violent and abusive towards you.

He might attack you, abuse you, force you to have sex or gaslight you but then go back to being ‘perfect’ for a while. Do not under any circumstances believe this bullshit persona. His violence is not accidental. The way he swiftly reverts to being ‘perfect’ and apologises profusely, is a tactic.

If after reading this, you think your boyfriend or husband is a misogynist, the best thing to do is to leave. I don’t say this lightly and I know how this will come across.

You can’t live with someone who hates you, puts you down and doesn’t believe you are his equal.

Don’t spend your life trying to prove yourself to a misogynist. You’ll never be good enough and he’ll make sure you know it. Don’t spend your life trying to raise children with a man like that either. The quicker (and safer) you and the children can get out, the better. Children, whether boys or girls, do not need a misogynist as a role model.

Finally, remember that his beliefs and values about women are not a reflection on you. You can’t change views like that and none of this is your fault.

But for your own sanity, talk to someone you trust and try to get out. If this article has raised an alarm for you, tell someone.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor

Tweet @DrJessTaylor

Email: Jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

My new book ‘Why Women are Blamed for Everything’ is out on 27th April 2020

Pre order: https://victimfocus-resources.com/products/why-women-are-blamed-for-everything-exploring-victim-blaming-of-women-subjected-to-violence-and-trauma-by-dr-jessica-eaton

Let’s talk about sex… and gender ideology

Dr Jessica Taylor

23 Feb 2020

I have been meaning to write about this for months. There is no doubt that it has become dangerous for women to write or speak about their views of gender, but that wasn’t what delayed this post.

What delayed this post was the sheer amount of information I would need to convey in this article to do the topic justice.

I am going to try to cover some main points relating to my stance on gender ideology. As a psychologist, an academic researcher, a lesbian and a woman who has worked in sexual and domestic violence with women and girls for over a decade, I have many perspectives and interests in this conversation.

Before I start, I would like to take the opportunity to state that I do not support any groups who mock, abuse or humiliate trans people. I refuse to support ‘feminists’ who are very clearly transphobic in its real sense, and use the guise of feminism to mock trans people and gender theory. However, I am certainly gender critical (in its real sense).

My main points will be:

1. The concept of gender is being wrongly discussed and defined which has confused millions of people

2. Telling children and adults that they are born in the wrong body is abusive and biologically impossible

3. You can’t challenge the gender role binary by upholding the gender role binary

4. Biological sex is real, important and remains a protected characteristic in law

5. Gender ideology has some repressive and homophobic ideas within it

6. Issues around gender present serious dilemmas for safeguarding

7. Gender ideology, like any other ideology, does not have to be accepted or supported by anyone else

The concept of gender is being wrongly discussed and defined which has confused millions of people

The word ‘sex’ has been used since the 15th century to mean the binary biological categories of mammals based on genetics and sex characteristics.

The WHO (2020) defines gender as ‘Gender refers to the roles, behaviours, activities, attributes and opportunities that any society considers appropriate for girls and boys, and women and men. Gender interacts with, but is different from, the binary categories of biological sex.’

My view is that there is no such thing as ‘gender’. I don’t believe gender is innate or biologically predisposed. I don’t believe it exists at all. As a radical feminist, I believe that the only way for all adults and children to be free from gender roles and gender is to eliminate it completely.

The word ‘gender’ has Latin and french origins. It meant ‘type’ or ‘kind’.

The term gender role was first used 1955 to mean ‘all those things that a person says or does to disclose himself or herself as having the status of boy or man, girl or woman.’

Stereotypes, basically.

In the 1960s and 1970s, second wave feminists such as Betty Friedan wrote about women’s gender roles being used to keep them in the kitchen and as slaves to men at home. Her book ‘The Feminine Mystique’ about the feminine gender role stereotypes was an extremely influential book for women who felt oppressed in the gender role expected of them.

During the 1970s, academic journals started to use ‘learned sex roles’ interchangeably with ‘innate gender roles’. However, by the 1980s the academic consensus was that sex was innate but gender roles were learned. From then onwards, gender (or gender roles) have been known to be socially constructed norms based on notions of masculinity and femininity.

The concept of ‘gender’ as we know it now actually comes from the phrase/concept ‘gender role stereotypes’ which was first written about and criticised in the 60s by second wave feminists. Gender role stereotypes were originally defined as a set of behaviours and characteristics that were socially constructed to relate to the roles of men and women. Women were described with and defined by a set of these ‘rules’ and so were men.

Women were feminine, quiet, pretty, submissive, content, polite, domesticated, kind, natural caregivers with no need for a career, education, opinion or ambition. They wore dresses and skirts, they wore make up, had long hair, wore high heels and existed to be looked at and adored by men. The gender role stereotype prescribed that women were heterosexual and wanted to be wives and mothers.

Men were masculine, strong, loud, dominant, aggressive, stoic, firm, goal-oriented with job roles, responsibilities, educations, opinions, the right to vote and the opportunities to progress. They wore trousers and suits, grew facial hair, never wore make up and existed to make money and protect their family. The gender role stereotype prescribed that men were heterosexual and wanted lots of sex with lots of women before eventually finding a wife and becoming a father to children (usually sons were desired) to continue their heir line.

These are gender role stereotypes. Anyone falling outside of those gender roles would be seen as weird, ill, mad or even possessed by demons – for a very long time. Women were routinely sectioned and tortured for being lesbian. Women who didn’t want to marry could be sent to asylums. Gay men could be tortured and killed. Women who didn’t conform to gender role stereotypes could be burned at the stake or sent for psychiatric treatment to make her more feminine and submissive to match the gender role she was pigeon-holed into.

The point of the critical discussion around gender roles was to argue that males and females could look, present, experience and explore life in many different ways without it being a disorder or an abnormality or a condition or a problem. For example, a girl could be masculine presenting, interested in things that society had constructed as ‘male’ or ‘masculine’ and it still doesn’t mean she’s a man or a boy – she’s a girl who loves stuff and wants stuff and experiences stuff that the world had told her is ‘man/boy’ stuff.

More recently, we have conflated biological sex with these gender roles. In academia, this started to happen in the 90s and 00s in certain disciplines. Instead of talking about gender roles and gender stereotypes, we are led to believe that gender is actually an expression of an innate identity or biological/neurochemical reality.

It’s as if no one can see how ultimately damaging this will be to society at large. Gender roles (now just shortened to ‘gender’ or extended to ‘gender identity’) are a set of sexist, misogynistic, homophobic social norms that are placed on humans to make them ‘fit’ into pre-agreed binary categories.

We have stopped talking about this definition of gender and instead been forced to accept a new definition of gender. A definition that many of us do not subscribe to.

Telling children and adults that they are born in the wrong body is abusive and biologically impossible

As someone who has worked with children and adults for over a decade, this narrative deeply worries me.

I don’t believe anyone can be ‘born into the wrong body’ and there is no scientific basis for this assertion. I note that no one has answered the question of where the ‘right’ body went during the gestation process or where the ‘wrong’ brain went as the baby developed inside of the female body. It is biologically impossible for a human female body to construct foetuses which contain ‘the wrong brain’ or ‘the wrong body’.

There is no such thing as a ‘wrong’ body or brain. We can definitely feel dysphoric, we can disassociate, we can become disconnected from our bodies – but we are never physically made out of the wrong body parts or brain parts. We are whole. We might not fit into the binary – but we are all whole people. Our bodies are not wrong, society is wrong.

What I do believe is that humans exist on a massive spectrum and society tries to fit them into feminine girls or masculine boys – most of us actually sit somewhere inbetween.

Until I was around 11 years old, I lived ‘like a boy’ and looked ‘like a boy’. I had short hair, I played on the boys football team, I only had boy mates, I refused anything pink, feminine, girly or maternal. I loved my brothers toys. I never wanted to be a mum. I was mistaken for a boy for years. People used to think my mum had two sons.

People used to say to her, in front of me: ‘oh boys will be boys!’ When me and my brother argued or play fought. My little sister was the most feminine, maternal, girly and cute little girl I knew. There was no mistaking that we were very different. She used to love playing with dolls and babies. I just didn’t get it. I’d much prefer playing with my brother’s cool toy that shot darts across the room.

I realised I was attracted to girls by 12 years old but thought it was a bit weird, ignored it and never told anyone. I had boyfriends and I think I did fancy them but not in the way I fancied the girls.

I hated my body and I hated my breasts. I used to slick all my hair back after a shower and wonder if it would be better if I was just born a boy. I used to wonder what my name could be if I was a boy. I never ever told anyone about this. By 13 I was well into puberty and had 30F breasts I could do nothing about. I hated dresses and skirts. I didn’t wear makeup and I didn’t care about learning to do hair or nails or anything (still don’t).

However, I definitely remember being sucked into ‘performing femininity’ because of comments from boys and men in my life. I definitely remember starting to self-sexualise and see myself as some sort of object/entertainment for men and boys.

I found feminism at 21 and learned that it was completely okay for me not to conform to notions of femininity. It was the first time that I realised it was normal to be a woman but not to conform. I loved learning about the way gender role norms expect women to speak, look, act, walk, exist in a certain way and suddenly lots of things started making sense to me. I realised that lots of the ways I felt about my body and myself were being pushed on to me by societal gender roles. This information was so liberating for me.

It wasn’t until I was 27 that I started to question if I was gay. I realised I was married to a man but I wasn’t attracted to him and I really just didn’t want to be around or with men. I started to dress more like how I wanted. Stopped trying to fit in. Stopped trying to conform. Found radfem and lesbian networks. Most of my friends are lesbian women, butch women and gender non conforming women. I hadn’t ever realised that I seemed to click much more with these women – they say you attract your clan. It seemed I did.

Last year I left my marriage to my husband and told my best friend I was in love with her. I have been openly lesbian for only about 9 months. In reality, it was much longer. Decades longer.

I often think that if I was born a decade later, I would be one of those girls being told I might be trans and I could live as a boy and bind my breasts and take hormones and so on.

I disagree with the entire concept of telling children or adults that just because they don’t conform to masculinity or femininity, or that they are gay or lesbian or gender non-conforming – they must be trans. They must be ‘born in the wrong body’.

Why can’t they just be male or female but with their own personality and look and style and ideas and beliefs?

You can’t challenge the gender role binary by upholding the gender role binary

One of the parts of this debate that makes the least sense is the concept of challenging binary notions of gender roles… by transing between two notions of gender roles.

Surely, the way to challenge the way society forces us into oppressive gender role stereotypes is to not conform to any of them.

Be the femme gay guy. Be the butch lesbian. Be the bisexual person who is completely ambiguous. Be femme one day and butch the next. Be whoever and whatever you feel. Present how you like when you like. Be a het guy who likes make up and dressing up. Be a het woman who hates all things feminine.

These are the ways to break the gender binary. Transcend it. Make gender irrelevant – that’s the thesis of radical feminism. Smash the patriarchy. Dismantle gender.

These aren’t just t-shirt slogans – they are fundamental aims of radical feminism.

However, we still have a gender binary. Even where people claim it is a spectrum, it really isn’t being talked about or perceived as a spectrum.

Why does a boy who doesn’t conform to masculine ideals need to trans to a girl? Why does a girl who hates femininity and feels more comfortable with masculine gender roles need to trans to be a boy?

Doesn’t that just support the binary? Doesn’t that just support the notion that you can either be masculine or feminine – but you can’t exist in between these categories?

‘If you don’t fit in one, you must be the other’ is literally a binary.

Society created gender roles of masculinity and femininity. And we force them on humans from birth. Not conforming to them doesn’t make us trans, it makes us human.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with girls or boys who don’t feel their ‘gender’ – I think the world is wrong. I think they should be allowed to be who they are without us telling them they must be a boy in a girls body or a girl in a boys body. Why should we medicate and mutilate them for not conforming to gender norms we have been trying to dismantle for decades?

Biological sex is real, important and remains a protected characteristic in law

It’s a very strange experience to watch the world of academia, wider society and the press try to perform the most incredible mental and linguistic gymnastics to pretend that sex is socially constructed the way gender roles are.

‘Sex observed at birth’?

‘Assigned male at birth?’

‘Cissexist’?

‘Cisgender’?

All these new words and phrases that are completely meaningless. Biological sex exists. If it didn’t, why do people even need hormone replacement therapies and hormone blockers?

If biological sex didn’t exist, why do all trans women start out as men before they identify as women? Why do they seek the same surgeries and the same medications? Why aren’t there any women who trans to become trans women? Sex has to exist for the transition to make sense.

Why do trans men need to bind female breast tissue but trans women seek breast augmentation? Why do trans women seek female hormones? Why do some trans people seek to have their biological genitals removed or changed? If sex was socially constructed, none of these things would need to happen for someone to transition to their identified gender. They could just do it. No surgery or hormones would be required if sex was socially constructed.

If biological sex is socially constructed, why do trans men need to take testosterone (male hormone) to cause changes to the body, whilst trans women need to take oestrogen (female hormone) to cause changes to the body?

Surely this demonstrates a biological basis of sex? If the correct sex hormones for each of the two biological sexes are used in transition processes, then surely this shows that biological sex exists and is not a social construct based in language and observations?

The reality is, sex is a biological, genetic, immutable fact. Gender roles are socially, historically and culturally specific. They are slightly different depending on time period, where you are in the world and what community you are in. Gender roles even change with social class. They are therefore not innate or biological in nature.

Whilst we are told ‘gender’ is a protected characteristic in the Equality Act 2010, this is not actually quite right. Sex is the protected characteristic in EA2010. The other protected characteristic is ‘gender reassignment’ or ‘transsexual people’. Both of which are considered by some to be outdated language.

However, this is important because it differentiates biological sex and gender reassignment. The law rightly protects trans people from being discriminated against by employers, institutions, education settings, businesses etc.

However, the same is true on the basis of biological sex. The EA2010 sets out the rights for males and females to have single sex spaces such as wards, toilets, prisons, hospitals, refuges, mental health provisions, education settings etc.

It is important to understand that biological sex is a real, factual, objective category for mammals. There are significant differences between human males and human females that must not be ignored.

For example:

The leading cause of death in males under 35 is suicide. This is not the same for females. Males are more likely to die by suicide than females. This is actually more likely to be linked to the way we socialise males into the masculine gender role which can be quite harmful to their own mental health and general well-being.

1 in 3 females will be raped or attempted to be raped by males in their lifespan. This is not the same for males. The statistic for men is around 1 in 20. This is not based on reporting to the police or convictions – it is based on anonymous self-reporting and therefore cannot be simply explained by saying that males report less.

The most common cancer in females is breast cancer, but the most common cancer in males is lung cancer (Cancer Research, 2020). This is not socially constructed. This is a sex difference. Breast cancer does occur in males, but it is extremely rare in contrast to female breast cancer.

The leading cause of death in males is heart disease whilst the leading cause of death of females in dementia (Public Health England, 2017). This is a recent sex difference finding – as the leading cause of death in both males and females used to be heart disease. However, heart disease in females has fallen whilst dementia in females has risen. This is not socially constructed, this is a sex difference.

Females are at risk from female genital mutilation in many different countries in the world. Males are not at risk from FGM. This should not really be a contentious point but I know a number of incredible activists working in FGM who have been called transphobic for saying that FGM is only done to females.

Males commit 97-99% of all global crime according to FBI global crime statistics (2017). Females are hugely underrepresented in crime, except for fraud and financial crimes in which they tend to commit around the same amount of crimes as males.

Males are the most incarcerated sex in the world, making up over 98% of the prison population. Offender management and offender rehabilitation research and interventions have therefore been based on male offending and male socialisation. This is important because we are now beginning to find that interventions that have been developed and tested with males in prison do not work with females. Conversely, we know that interventions and therapies that work with females have little to no effect with males. This one is more complicated, because it is likely to be due to the interplay between biological sex differences and gender role stereotype and socialisation differences.

Both historically and presently, females are the only sex to get pregnant or ever give birth. This is important because blood changes when females become pregnant and carry babies. Lots of medical research has found that males cannot receive a blood transfusion from females who have had a baby, because blood from females who have been pregnant have a different immune system response to males. Research from a 10 year study showed that males who received blood from ever-pregnant females were 1.5 times more likely to die from the transfusion (Middleburg, 2017).

Biological sex is real. Reproductive sex is real. Everyone knows which sex to go to when they want a surrogate mother for a baby. There are currently zero surrogacy agencies exploiting male bodies. There’s a reason for that. No one is going to pay for a male in a developing country to carry their baby.

Even in our own privileged countries, trans people and pro-trans activists who want to have babies after transition still know which process to follow to have that baby. They know that they either need to preserve their ovum, keep their uterus, have IVF or commission a surrogate. These are all exclusively female issues. Trans men who want to have a baby may still be able to do so because they have a uterus and ovaries. Trans women who want to have a baby would need a female partner or a female surrogate mother. Biological sex is inescapable when it comes to reproduction. It is interesting to see that even people who claim biological sex is a spectrum or that biological sex is actually just socially constructed or ‘observed’ – still know how to make a baby.

These are just a few examples of sex differences off the top of my head.

Sex differences are apparent in literally every medical, psychological, criminological, sociological, developmental and neurological discipline.

Therefore, sex differences remain extremely important.

What happens when a transwoman is in a serious accident and needs a blood transfusion but has had all of their medical records changed to say they are female? What if the transfusion kills them?

What happens when a transman needs an urgent X-ray or operation and their documents all say they are ‘male’ – so no one checks to see if they could be pregnant before the procedure?

In my view, it is absolutely acceptable to talk about people wanting to present as feminine or masculine without claiming that biological sex doesn’t exist. People feel dysphoric when their sex doesn’t ‘match’ their gender roles – but that doesn’t mean their sex is wrong, it means our socially constructed notions of gender are too restrictive and oppressive to be useful anymore.

Gender ideology has some repressive and homophobic ideas within it

One of the concerns that is often raised about believing that gender role stereotypes are actually innate feelings of ‘gender’ – and that biological sex is offensive and irrelevant, is what this means for gay males and lesbian females.

If sex means nothing and should be deconstructed, what does the word ‘homosexual’ even mean?

If children who are gay, lesbian or gender non-conforming are being told they are actually the opposite sex but trapped in the wrong body and are actually straight – what does this mean for gay rights and the perception of gay people?

Well, I can tell you what it means. It means homophobia can get a huge second wind under the guise of gender progression. Almost like palatable, socially acceptable, modern homophobia all dressed up as something kind and positive.

Case in point: Iran

Iran has the second highest numbers of transwomen in the whole world. Unlikely finding in a conservative Muslim country? Not really.

Iran has adopted the belief that being trans is better than being a gay guy. Instead of being a gay man, he can trans to be a het woman. Problem solved. Gay is an ‘illness’ that needs to be cured by transition in Iran.

Being gay in Iran is still punishable by death – whereas transsexuality was made legal in 1987. This means that Iranian activists such as Shadi Amen are now starting to speak out about the way the government is encouraging men to trans to women in order to ‘cure them’.

Whilst this direct approach is not yet being taken in the UK, the underlying ideology does exist. We know that many children who express gender dysphoria will go on to be gay or lesbian adults. The danger here is that we are essentially seeing a new wave of conversion therapy of gay and non-conforming kids.

To me, this does not look progressive. This does not look like a step forward for humans.

The second part of homophobia within the gender ideology is the argument that lesbian same-sex attracted females should date males who identify as transwomen.

I am being deliberately specific in my language here because I am not seeing the same pressure on gay males to have sex with transmen. And I sure as hell can’t see the pressure on het males to have sex with transwomen.

The pressure sits solely with females, mainly lesbians but also het females who are being coerced into accepting their male partners who come out as trans. This is misogyny in action.

A pressure on same-sex attracted people to have sex with someone of the opposite sex who says they identify as a man or woman – is homophobic. It’s not only homophobic, but it really does challenge our notions of informed consent.

No one is entitled to sex with anyone else, no one has a right to sex.

So therefore, everyone has a right to be HUGELY picky about who they have consensual sex with. You literally have no right to sex with anyone who doesn’t want sex with you. It doesn’t matter even if they say something absolutely ridiculous like ‘I’m not attracted to people with blonde hair’ or ‘I would never date a guy who voted republican’ or even ‘I am just not attracted to short men’.

It doesn’t matter, because it’s their right to choose who they have sex with and when they have sex and how they have sex.

This right is extended to lesbians. Lesbians do not have to accept or date or have sex with males who identify as transwomen. Just like lesbians do not have to have sex with other lesbians they don’t fancy – but they certainly do not have to have sex with males. Even males who have transitioned. No one can ever make them do that and it would be homophobic to infer otherwise.

This is why there are entire activist groups and movements about lesbian erasure and the way lesbians are being silenced and removed from conversations and events. Groups like ‘Get the L Out’ are considered ‘hate groups’ for talking about the way lesbians are being erased.

They are considered to be lying or exaggerating – or accused of being plain old hateful.

But in fact, they are raising extremely important points in radical feminism, in lesbian rights and in human rights.

If biological sex is ignored, gender roles become enshrined in law as ‘real’ and ‘innate’ and lesbians are seen as hateful bigots for not having sex with males who say they are women – lesbianism ceases to exist linguistically and politically. Whilst actual lesbianism (females who are same sex attracted) will continue forever, it is homophobic and dangerous to keep suggesting that lesbian women should give over more and more space to males.

By definition, males cannot be lesbians. To suggest they can is homophobia.

There are other groups who support het women whose husbands of many years identify as transwomen and are then expected to support that process or even stay in a relationship with the father of their children whilst he rejects decades of his own life (and her life, and their kids lives) and instead begins to call himself by a new name, dresses in feminine clothing and seeks surgery.

Most people would agree that the woman does not need to accept, support or stay with the male who decides to transition to be a transwoman. However, lots of wives in this position have been accused of being transphobic, bigoted and hateful if they do not stay with the husband and become a faux ‘lesbian’ couple, referring to her husband as ‘she’ and pretending to the outside world that she is same-sex attracted. Either way, the het female in this situation cannot win.

Note how this part of the blog is not about the erasure of gay males or het males – because this isn’t happening (yet).

Issues around gender present serious dilemmas for safeguarding

Some of the safeguarding issues we need to consider here include some rather contentious topics. Just because they are contentious does not mean they are untouchable or not up for discussion.

The first is the link between gender dysphoria and trauma from child abuse.

Having worked in this field for over a decade now, I can tell you that questioning your sexuality and identity after rape and abuse is very common and normal. We’ve always worked with children and adults who experience this trauma response – it is nothing new to those of us doing this work.

It is fairly common for sexually abused girls to start to reject everything female and feminine about themselves, hate their breasts, hate their vulva, wish they were a boy, start harming parts of their bodies.

Equally, it is fairly common for sexually abused boys to start to question their sexuality, reject their own bodies, hate sexual arousal, wish they were a girl and start self harming.

A couple of years ago, I spoke out about the amount of UK social workers who had been contacting me and talking to me about children on their caseload who begin identifying as trans after being abused, exploited, trafficked and raped. Social workers I have spoken to are concerned that the ‘affirm, affirm, affirm’ approach to gender is stopping them from being able to work through the dysphoria with children who have been subjected to life changing abuse. It is absolutely vital that we acknowledge that gender and body dysphoria is a coping mechanism and normal trauma response to sexual abuse.

This does not mean that all trans people were sexually abused, of course.

But it does mean that children who start to hate their bodies and talk about wanting to be a boy or girl need support and compassion. We also need to check why this is happening and what it might mean. Further, this means that we cannot simply ‘affirm’ a gender identity of an abused or traumatised child who might be naturally responding to serious abuse they have been subjected to.

Children being transed by their parents is now happening at an earlier and earlier age, claiming that children fully understand the concepts of sex and gender – when most adults don’t even understand sex and gender.

Parents and practitioners argue that the child understands that their gender doesn’t match their sex and that they wish to transition, take puberty blockers and medically transition. I reject this notion completely.

Not many people have studied the concepts of gender roles or where the terms come from. Some people can’t even correctly discuss the differences between sex and gender without conflating them. I do not accept that children can do this and then make life changing medical decisions.

I believe this will eventually come full circle and we will be presented with thousands of adults who underwent medication, surgery and social transition by (sometimes) well-meaning adults – who then come back and question us about why we allowed them to do that at such a young age.

I believe we will face thousands of law suits and investigations into the medical transitioning of children and adolescents in the decades to come, where we have left those humans infertile, ill, injured and scarred.

Actually, this is already happening within the detransitioner movement.

Children should never be transed, encouraged to bind or use packers, to take medication or to have surgery – and yet more and more children are being referred for treatment in the UK under the NHS and many more are being ‘treated’ privately.

As someone who works heavily in the abuse and grooming of children, I also tried to speak out about the potential for sex offenders to groom trans kids online a couple of years ago. Instead of anyone taking that safeguarding risk seriously, I was subjected to a number of vexatious complaints. Thankfully, I wasn’t merely making these cases up as they claimed and it was easy to back up. Complaints were not upheld and I was okay.

However, the cases were real. Social workers were holding UK cases in which kids who identified as trans were going online, seeking support and being groomed by sex offenders who were sexually exploiting and abusing them. In all of the cases I was made aware of, the abusers were men who identified as transwomen.

I can’t go into too much detail because the cases are so specific, but they included the abduction of a trans child who met transwomen online in a support group. The transwomen groomed the child to believe their parents hated them and would never accept them, convinced them their parents were transphobes and then trafficked the child hundreds of miles where they raped them and kept them there for days.

Another case of a trans child who was groomed on the internet by older transwomen was being given wigs, make up and money for images and videos of sexual acts.

When I tried to talk about this, I was immediately shut down and accused of making up these real cases. The reality here is that males make up 97% of all sex offenders. Therefore, it is more likely that transwomen (males) will sexually offend against children than transmen (females) would. There is no evidence to suggest that males who identify as women offend in any different ways to males who do not identify as a different gender.

Sex offenders can be anyone, this includes trans people. This might make everyone uncomfortable but it’s true. People accused me of using the same old argument as ‘gay men are paedophiles’. However, I was talking about real cases held in the UK – and I was talking about them for a reason.

My reason was that in both of those cases, the social workers were being limited as to what they could and couldn’t say or do. This was because they were being told by authorities that there were fears about being seen as ‘transphobic’ if they spoke about or reported on cases where transwomen had been grooming trans kids online.

It reminded me very much of the way we all gingerly tip toed around Pakistani sex offenders abusing children because the police claimed they didn’t want to be seen as ‘racist’.

Just like most Pakistani men are not sex offenders, most trans people are not sex offenders. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be talking about these cases. In fact, the only common denominator in sex offending and domestic abuse is male offenders. Biological sex is the underpinning factor. Maleness. That’s why we call it male violence.

I know that if this blog reaches as many people as it usually does, there will be hundreds, maybe thousands of social workers, psychologists, therapists and doctors thinking about their own cases of children they are working with. I know there already many professionals in the UK who are questioning how best to support children who are exploring their identity and sexuality – without necessarily affirming anything, directing them anywhere or suggesting they are trans or born in the wrong body.

I would argue that in studies of trans adults and trans kids, there is significant trauma history and abuse history. This cannot be ignored and needs to be discussed.

Gender ideology, like any other ideology, does not have to be accepted or supported by anyone

My final point is fairly frank.

Ideologies exist, theories exist, perspectives exist.

We are not required to believe them, adopt them, accept them or conform to them.

I do not and will not respect racist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic people or theories.

To an extent, we are not even required to respect them. For example, I do not and will not respect or support the perspective that paedophilia is a normal sexual orientation and that children can consent to sex. This is a common narrative in my field at the moment and it scares me to death.

Specifically, gender roles and gender identity are just theories and ideologies. We do not need to change the entire way we live, speak, write and legislate because we are being told to accept an ideology.

I think we’ve got the balance right with religions as ideologies. Religious people are protected in law, they cannot be discriminated against for their beliefs and they have rights to their own spaces. However, no one else has to believe their religion, accept their god, pray, speak about their religion, support their religion or change their language to validate their religion.

Millions of religious people live their lives knowing that millions of other religious and atheist people don’t accept or believe or validate their ideologies.

When religious ideologies attempt to force their ideologies on others through law and government, we call that oppressive totalitarianism. We actually go to war over that sort of stuff. We legislate against governments forcing ideologies on to people.

I find it interesting that we are not noticing the similarities in ideological totalitarianism here.

There are ways to protect trans people from harm, oppression, discrimination and abuse without forcing entire populations to accept gender theory and gender identity ideology.

I would never accept the persecution, oppression, abuse or harm of people with different ideologies and religions – just like I would never accept the persecution, oppression, abuse or harm of trans people (or people who believe gender ideology and gender theory).

If we can do it with multiple world religions that often conflict, we can definitely do it with gender ideology.

No one should be forced to change their language and thoughts to conform to a theorised ideology that isn’t even fully accepted in academia, let alone the vast complex world.

We can do this without oppressing and abusing trans people. We have to find a way through this raging debate that repositions gender as a theory and not as a reality that everyone else must validate.

Written by Dr Jessica Taylor